Marriage, Blended-Family, Special-Needs Kids, Farming (UPDATE)

[Laurajean]

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I don't have kids, so maybe I have no business even answering this question, but I think my child would come before anyone or anything else. I'd like to think I wouldn't act that way on a daily basis however. In other words, I wouldn't pamper and cater to my child and ignore my husband or act in ways that make him feel second best. As long my husband was contributing, loving toward me and my child, I would try to treat them both equally. But if it came down to it and my husband said "Pick one, it's me or the kid". I wouldn't hesitate to show him the door.



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I don't know if he should be automatically expected to be a 50% co-parent, per say, it depends on the situation. If my husband has no parenting experience as you mentioned, then no, quite honestly I don't think I would WANT him to take on that much responsibility until he learned how to co-parent. Once he caught on to the family dynamic, then sure. But a lot depends on how my child felt toward my husband and vise versa, and how my husband handled the parenting role. Once everyone was comfortable with each other and the family roles, then yes, I would want him to act like the step father that he now is.



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"Separation", as in how? Separation as in "we're maritally separated", no. Separation as in we spend a lot of time physically apart? Well of course.


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If my husband was working hard all week, then yes, I think it would be okay for him to relax over the weekend within reason. If he was literally sitting around with beer staring at the TV, that would get on my nerves. But neither would I expect him to get out there and take care of all the farm duties either, if he's working hard all week. I think a lot of this (for me, at least) is also, what do YOU do, work-wise? If your job is to stay home and run the farm, well, those are part of your work duties, not his. I'd hope he would *help*, but I wouldn't expect him to come home on the weekends and work the farm, no. Especially if he married into that already being your duties. If I got married tomorrow, I would not expect my working husband to take care of my chickens. I would like it if he helped if I needed it, but I would not *expect* it. I had those chickens before him, so it only seems fair that I would maintain the bulk of that responsibility, within reason.



Quote:
Not sure how to answer this one, it sounds a bit technical. When I was married, I never had a "chore list" for two grown adults, and neither did we have any big discussions about 'who would do what'. We pretty much traded off on things. There were some things he always did, such as mow the lawn or do the trash, as there were some things I always did such as clean the house or do the yard work. Then other things we just switched back and forth with, like doing the dishes or feeding the animals. If one was really tired, the other would do it, and vise versa. I've never had any specific guidelines on who does what. That sounds more like a parent-child relationship to me, having a chore list. I would think if you're both adults, you simply share duties.

 

[Laurajean]

I have WHAT in my yard? :

These questions you post are all about the symptoms, not the illness.

People need to approach marriage not as a 50/50 venture but as a 100%/100% venture. Chores are things you do to love your family, not burdens to be "shared" equally. Everyone loves each other to the best of their ability that day. Some days are easier. Some days are harder.

If somebody is keeping tabs or a tally of who is doing what, we're already in trouble.

Stick to "I feel when you" statements.




The sex issue is a serious one for most couples. Women suffer through a significant loss of desire and men take the loss of interest very personally. The only solution here is intense and honest communication as well as some compromises. Good Luck.

I agree.​

 

[MyKidLuvsGreenEgz]

Wow! Lots of input and lots to think about.

Yep, I probably am angry and am taking it out in the bedroom (besides the hormone thing that's been out of whack since about 2000 due to medical reasons). We probably should have negotiated and discussed all of this before we got married, but I guess we thought we were so compatible about everything else that it never occurred to me that parenting was a place where we didn't see eye to eye.

To clear up a few things:

-we got this place together about a year ago. It's only about 2 acres, and doesn't provide income for us. We do sell enough eggs to pay for the feed tho. Before we bought it, we discussed how much more energy, time and money having farm animals would take, and we both agreed it would be worth it and we'd do our part. But even when he's here, I have to remind him that the animals need feeding or need hay, or the propane should be checked. Yeah, I guess I could just go ahead and do everything, but who gives ME a break? I don't get to rest on weekends either.

-therapist last night insisted we're separated even tho we talk on the phone 3-4+ times a day. When I disagreed, she proceeded to blast me with it several times before our hour was up.

-we both have income, although mine is smaller. My son gets a small disability monthly amount.

-since my son is special needs, specifically the autism and with the constant threat of his suicide or running away, I think it's a "pick your battles" type of situation. Hubby thinks son should be corrected about everything he does wrong from the way he dusts (do it better, pick things up, etc) to how he walks (stop shuffling your feet). I say just be glad he dusts at all, and concentrate on things like how to have a conversation looking at people in the eye, or preventing the next meltdown, suicide threat or seizure.

I'm gonna have to go back and re-read everything you wonderful people took the time to write. But the radon-mitigating-man is expected soon and I still have eggs to collect, and goat babies to check on. THANK YOU AGAIN!

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Well, I have to say, I think everyone who responded here agreed with you and not your therapist on the "separation" issue. And many of us have husbands who are gone for periods of time. What would be interesting is your husband's take on it, and how closely it does or does not match yours. A therapist should not be one-sided, and it sounds like he/she is. Just because a therapist says something does not mean it is right. Might want to find a different therapist who will be unbiased.

Sounds like you and he need to have a serious discussion about the farm--whether it is still an endeavor you both want to continue--at least at its current level. You need to ask him what his goals for the farm are, and how he sees himself participating in it.

You need to attend a parenting class together that is specifically focused on blending families. It is possible that your expectations of your son are too low as well as his being too high. Even when you do not agree, talking about it helps. And it may be that there are some battles that are important to him that aren't to you--maybe ask why? I expect that if you understand WHY he has certain expectations, you will better understand why they are important to him.

 

[HeatherLynn]

I have WHAT in my yard? :

These questions you post are all about the symptoms, not the illness.

People need to approach marriage not as a 50/50 venture but as a 100%/100% venture. Chores are things you do to love your family, not burdens to be "shared" equally. Everyone loves each other to the best of their ability that day. Some days are easier. Some days are harder.

If somebody is keeping tabs or a tally of who is doing what, we're already in trouble.

Stick to "I feel when you" statements.




The sex issue is a serious one for most couples. Women suffer through a significant loss of desire and men take the loss of interest very personally. The only solution here is intense and honest communication as well as some compromises. Good Luck.

I agree with everything she said. Questions 1 I would say that I have to balance that. You cannot ignore anyones "needs". I put emphasis on need though. Sometimes we put our children before our spouse when its not necessary. We have a commitment to both and have to work at a relationship with both. Questions 2 I would say yes. Except we don't parent 50% either of us. We are the parents, not parent 75% and parent 25%. Its a team effort and everyone is expected to give it everything they got. Questions 3 and 4 I would say no BUT there needs to be some consideration to what type of work he does. My nephew is a truck driver. In order to support his family and still get time home with them he pushes himself to the very edge of exhaustion. He has to have some time down. Usually he gets a nice long sleep and then makes time to pitch in but first he has to get past that initial collapse. The last 2 are open for discussion. In our house we agreed that I am the chore list maker. It lets him know what he needs to get done and he does not have to guess what I had in mind for the day. He knows exactly what I wanted to get done and he can just grab whatever chore he wants off the list and throw himself in to it. I am home 100% of the time so I know what most needs to be done and the order I want it done in. But again that was because we talked that out and agreed. The last one I have not gone through but I have had times because of babies and exhaustion. We talked it out. A marriage will suffer without intimacy. There is no avoiding that. So you need to have an open, honest discussion and come up with workable solutions.​

 

[I have WHAT in my yard?]

Just a thought, not to stir more problems, but not all therapists are good. If your therapist is going somewhere with insisting that your separated she needs to get to it quick. If she really thinks his being away for work counts as being "separated" make sure you and she have the same understanding of what the word means. To most of us, it means choosing to be apart because the relationship isn't working. Leaving for work does not mean that, it means choosing to be apart in order to support each other financially. And it requires more support, not less. If you and your husband and the therapist cannot agree on the reason for your separations, you may need a new therapist, not a new husband.

 

[punk-a-doodle]

Question: who's needs are number one in your family: your spouse or your child(ren).
This isn't specific enough for me to feel I can really answer, but the families I see that are really close share what they have, the good and the bad. Kids tend to be more dependent on others, so that has to be taken into account as far as actual needs go. And when parents *always* get to do what they want, then that is unbalanced, just as always catering to the kids is. I genuinely hope (even though I think one parent did not) that my parents loved each other more than us kids. Kids grow up, and with the exception of people who always need intensive care, leave to have lives of their own. I do not think it is healthy for a parent to base their identity entirely around their child, and hope my own parents knew that it was each other that they would be living life with once the kids grew up.

Question: when a spouse comes into a ready-made family, should that new spouse (who's never had any parenting or long-term relationship experience) be expected to step in and be a 50% co-parent?
I think it is important to show interest and be engaged with the child, but if 50% parenting is expected, I definitely would suggest that the expectation be covered before marriage. Parenting is a learning process, so I wouldn't expect things to be at the same speed or on the same page, so talking with each other about parenting strategies would be important.

Question: when a spouse is away from the home, for the job, 5 days out of 7, is that considered a separation?
As in, gone for five days solid, or still home for dinner? Sure, it's a physical separation, but does not have to be an emotional one.

Question: when you have a small farm with a garden, chickens and goats, and that spouse comes home on the weekend, is it ok for that spouse to expect 2 days of rest and relaxation and NOT do chores, maintenance or other farm-related things?
It sounds like you both wanted the farm. Why are things split the way they are? Are you both happy with him working to support the farm and you doing the upkeep of the farm? It sounds like that doesn't feel like a fair split to you, so that is going to be a huge point of contention until you guys find a compromise that works for the both of you.

Question: when there is more than one adult living on a farm/farmette, are the adults supposed to know what to do or is there a chore-list-maker? Shouldn't the adults just step up and do what needs to be done?
It depends. You both probably have different ideas about what needs to be done. If the mental chore list is yours or his alone, then no, there is no way for the other person to know what is expected or wanted. I'd sit down, and put together a list of what you both see as needing to be done. Then, split the chores until you are both content or have rotating chores. It's important to work out the upset over whether only one of you should be doing farm chores or not first.

Question for you women who have hit menopause: when you have no desire because there's no hormones going and your husband acts like a petulant child, do you say "no sex" or just do it to avoid the inevitable argument?
I am no where near menopause, but I have hormonal issues that put me in the opposite situation, where as my husband takes medication that puts him in your position. We were able to work out what works for us, but we still had to communicate to each other about it...often. I had my feelings hurt at first. It took patience, understanding, trust, and open communication to find actual peace with the situation. Intimacy is a huge part of most relationships, and people have to find out what works for them...and sometimes it doesn't work out. You shouldn't go to bed as a duty (that'd only make things much worse I'd imagine), but someone with a sexual drive may not be happy without either. The only way to find out is to be open with each other. And what you said is important. Find out how much is hormonal and how much is mental.

When the therapist insisted that you two were separated, did she mean not by physical distance, but by emotional distance? I know people who talk on the phone constantly, but judging by the tone and what they say...they are definitely what I would call not at peace with each other. Find a therapist that suits you both either way.

Good luck to all of you! If the relationship has something real and deep to it, I hope that you both can work everything out. If you guys love each other but have not found lasting happiness, I hope you both find it elsewhere and find happiness for each other in that. That's the great thing about spouses. Choice. If it feels forced, it's not worth it. <3

 

[hunterjumper999]

I have neither children, nor a 'typical ' marriage...

HOWEVER

My partner and I live on a 10 acre 'hobby' farm...

She doesn't enjoy the animals. Therefore I do not expect her to feed , care or otherwise deal with them. She likes the dogs, and will care for them and the cat when reminded. . . yes, this is an adult. BUT i'm so used to doing the animal chores that she just takes for granted that it may not always be done. Perhaps some of this is coming into play with your husband.

I am unwilling to give up my chickens... I have however given up my goats, and my breeding/showing pitbulls. This has removed a TREMENDOUS strain on myself, and our partnership.

My partner will come out and build pens, garden beds, mow the lawn ect ALL DAY LONG ... WHEN i ask. Don't forget to ask him to do the things you need done. I forget to ask sometimes and boy does resentment breed!

If you know the weekends are hard to get him to motivate and work because he's working hard all week providing a majority of the household income- then set up the chickens on friday so that you can try to connect with your husband and have to stop in and do a quick check rather than all out chores on sat/sun. I have feeders in every pen that feed my birds for 3-4 days. It helps a TON. I am sure the goats require more hands on care than a quick egg check but try to do it in a timely manner. he may be feeling neglected if you are busy when he is home.

it's all about balance.


on the topic of your son- he should have known going into the marriage that he was different and higher needs. He should have risen to the challenge of both becoming a husband AND a stepfather... if he is not up for it he's not up for it and you need to work that out. perhaps seeing a FAMILY therapist vs. a marital one as a group would help. Keep the husband/wife issues separate from the husband/son/mother issues if that is possible- at least in therapy. I think that while your son does have needs, you also need to explore (possibly with your own therapist, or with whomever you see as a family ) how much your son can comfortably be adapting and learning to take on. I am unfamiliar with some of the disorders mentioned but i'm assuming at some point he will be leaving your protective nest even tho not for several years

I do feel( as a child of blended families) that expecting a 14 yo to just start accepting him as a parent is going to be a battle that you may not win.


Bottom line- DO YOU LOVE THIS MAN, FOR ALL THAT HE IS... if you do its worth fixing. If you love him for the idea you had in your head of how it would be, then its not. this is a rhetorical question.... just think on it hard. people make things all complicated that really are not. you either accept your life or change it. ( and trust me, its taken me 3yrs but i just accepted mine!)

 

[punk-a-doodle]

-since my son is special needs, specifically the autism and with the constant threat of his suicide or running away, I think it's a "pick your battles" type of situation. Hubby thinks son should be corrected about everything he does wrong from the way he dusts (do it better, pick things up, etc) to how he walks (stop shuffling your feet). I say just be glad he dusts at all, and concentrate on things like how to have a conversation looking at people in the eye, or preventing the next meltdown, suicide threat or seizure.

Ack, my eyes skipped over this very important bit. Is your son seeing a personal therapist? I would suggest it strongly if he is not, though it sounds like he is, and better yet, one who specializes in autism and OCD in particular. It sounds like your husband needs some professional coaching in how to work with your son as well. Is he willing to do that? Because yes, constant nitpicking and overbearing/punative parenting can actually cause problems such as OCPD and anxiety disorders or rebellion to form in kids, so I definitely do not like to hear that happening with a kid who already has a host of very large obstacles to deal with. If your husband is there to support you, you may actually even be able to set up a guided program using the animals on your farm in animal assisted therapy to help with your son's autism. Horse programs especially are used for that reason, and they seem to potentially be very effective. The arriving seizure dog may also be great to utilize for this as well. I'm so sorry to hear about the suicidal tendencies. That is an extremely stressful situation to live with and to have to worry about, and then to add running away on top of that is even more. Are the seizures grand mals or complex seizures? Would you say he has gotten better, worse, or stayed the same behavior and attitude wise after your marriage? Also, do you live in a supportive community? Is this something you can reach out for their help in, or do you feel this would actually increase problems with your son? Even just having a community watch for kids prone to running away can be helpful, especially if the kid does not have good planning skills. Forums or support groups dedicated to helping parents share their stories and daily struggles about having special needs children may also be something to look into if you haven't. They are helpful to some, unhelpful to others. No matter where you find it, in your husband, you community, a therapist, I hope you also find support and understanding.​

 

[SourRoses]

I have to agree with the above statement on the child.
Yes, you're child should come first... and since hes special needs, he should come first no matter what!

If the autistic child is dusting.. for gosh sakes, let him dust however!

It might be surprising to some just how much damage a harsh influence can do to someone whos already vulnerable. And since your child is so vulnerable, I think your duty and responsibility as a parent goes beyond normal parenting and into protecting. He needs protection from the un-knowing actions and words of others.

I was just about to ask that same question too.. because it has me wondering. The childs suicide threats, attempts to run away, other symptoms.. would you say they have gotten worse since the marriage, started since the marriage?

Because, again, your child is vulnerable. He might not see any way out from his own emotions than to distance himself from hurt in whatever way possible.
And I can see that the influence he is exposed to sounds very hurtful.

Just because someone is in a place that they cant express their emotions normally... does not mean they dont feel all the same emotions, if not more, than a typical person. He needs protection and he needs professional help with coping, if he doesent have those already.
Just the same as the marriage counselor (who needs the boot, an attitude or preference should not be expressed by a professional), if your child isen't doing well with the counseling he is recieving, he may need a change.

As far as you and the husband... I'll only add, that if you don't feel comfortable doing something, you should not do it. It will only add resentment and other unsavories to your feelings... and I'm of the opinion that having such decisions pushed upon a person is more harmful and serious than the other feeling like they aren't desired.