Marriage, Blended-Family, Special-Needs Kids, Farming (UPDATE)

[Rhett&SarahsMom]

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[MyKidLuvsGreenEgz]

Again, thanks for the responses.

I have thought long and hard through the night. I definitely disagree with the therapist ... we are NOT separated no matter what she says. (As in marriage-type separation, prelude to divorced.) And it does appear that the therapist is one-sided. Hubby hasn't mentioned the therapy session so this morning I suggested that we take some time this weekend to discuss some of our issues. He agreed. I'm gonna make a list, send the kid to a friend's house or have him put in a movie, and Hubby and I will discuss our issues, including his thoughts on the therapy session, calmly. Hopefully.

There's no way I'll waste my time and money going back to the same therapist. Depending on the outcome of our weekend calm discussion, I'll request a different therapist (kaiser insurance) ... one skilled with blended families, conflict resolution, and special-needs children.

Our goals for the farmette were to grow and raise most of what we consume. We never thought we could make lots of money on it, but hope to make a little selling extra produce or craft gourds. I'm willing to give up the goats and most of the chickens to lighten my load but he's really ticked that I'm considering selling the goats since he can only drink goat's milk. Thing is ... I do all the work and he drinks the rewards. Well, he AND my kid.

Until recently I had very high expectations for my son and his schooling and life plans. I was blind to the fact that he still uses his fingers to add and subtract. He'll never do more than just basic math, if that. So, now that he's been diagnosed with all of these things, I absolutely have lowered my expectations, temporarily. We need a better grasp on what he's capable of and merge his skills with his desires. At that point, I'll raise my expectations again. But yeah, HUbby's are extremely high.

My son's behaviors and problems have gotten worse since we got married 4 years ago. Until a couple of years ago, he never even mentioned suicide or that he wasn't fit to live on this planet. He did try to run away when he was about 7 years old but it lasted until I drove by and offered him a ride to the ice cream shoppe which is where I was going (NOT). Anyway, now that we have gotten diagnosed (this past March), his therapists and doctors have explained that he will probably never be able to live on his own: either living with us until we die or in a group home. He has simple-partial seizures (spacing out with dejavu aftereffects) and Tonic-Clonic (grand-mal convulsing seizures).

I've asked WHY certain expectations are important to Hubby. Either he has no real reason, changes the subject, or explains it using his own dysfunctional family. His father was mentally cruel and his mother is (still) a wimp. He's not used to a strong independent woman who can think for herself and make quick decisions, prioritizes and allows the child to be happy instead of tearing him down "to build him up". I had a mentally unbalanced mother but I've worked through it and hope I don't make my parenting decisions based on what she did or didn't do. I've also asked for us to go to a parenting class but for some reason, he doesn't feel like he needs it.

Trying to not keep tally but when I'm working my butt off, even on weekends, and he's still sleeping ... yeah, how can I NOT keep count? Or when he mentions everything he's done around here to a friend, only it's stuff that I"VE done ... I realize it's not right but it's human nature.

Hubby's job is statistics. Computer work. 8 hours a day in a different town. Not exhausting. He's home Friday evening thru Sunday afternoon. Plus holidays. This week he's been home in the evenings because of our new goat babies.

Intimacy: to him, intimacy means sex. I've tried to explain that most romantic thing he could do is something without being asked, like housework or livestock care or spending quality / non-arguing time with my kid. THAT would be amazing and beyond wonderful. He doesn't get that grabbing my boobs every time he passes by me does the exact opposite of turning me on.

Do I love him? Yes.

About the "chores" things ... I have a posterboard in the kitchen to help my son map his foods (he is on a special diet). Perhaps if I put up a posterboard beside it with sticky-notes of all of the things that need to be done during the weekend (including play games with the kid, play with the goat babies, etc)? Move them to a "done" section as they get done?

My kid is up now. Another seizure-free morning. Time to get busy!

Thanks again. And thanks to those who've PMd or e-mailed me.

 

[farmerlor]

My marriage comes first. People will be aghast but you have your children, you love them with all your heart, you teach them to be responsible and they're gone. You get to rent those little souls for about a minute. Your husband is the one who's going to be with you through all the changes for the next million years long, long after the kids are grown and gone and have families of their own. No, I'm not one of those pathetic women who think you have to have a man by your side to live. If something happened to Greg I'd be okay, I'd miss him, I'd never replace him and I'd be fine. Not to mention the very, very best thing you can give to your children is the model of a what a really fantastic relationship looks like.
As for the rest of it.....well, I'd have set up some kind of expectations about the child parenting before the marriage. I too married a man who'd never had children and never been involved with them but he stepped right in and helped support and discipline my child and he did it with consistency and love. My daughter only ever got positive reinforcement from him and she's all the better for his place in her life. Someone who doesn't want a part of your son's life is giving mixed messages and that's hurtful to your son. I can understand if he doesn't want to discipline especially if you have differences in the way you discipline but he still needs to be there for support, friendship and teaching.
If your husband married you when you lived on a farm by golly he knew that there was farming to be done and when he comes home he by golly better be ready to at least help out with things that he is able to do. I don't dig that "My Job, Your Job crap".

 

[X2Farm]

Question: who's needs are number one in your family: your spouse or your child(ren). My kids come first, but I try and keep my DH at a very close second. Its not always easy.

Question: when a spouse comes into a ready-made family, should that new spouse (who's never had any parenting or long-term relationship experience) be expected to step in and be a 50% co-parent? Possibly, I personally think it just depends on the situation and would require a sit down talk together about parenting responsibilities and how comfortable the new spouse feels regarding stepping in and helping to parent.

Question: when a spouse is away from the home, for the job, 5 days out of 7, is that considered a separation? Nope, not in my opinion.

Question: when you have a small farm with a garden, chickens and goats, and that spouse comes home on the weekend, is it ok for that spouse to expect 2 days of rest and relaxation and NOT do chores, maintenance or other farm-related things? IMO, nope. They should help out, at least some. We had this problem with my DH worked out of town 5-7 days a week. He would come home and want to sit and relax and not do anything. It was always frustrating for me, because the kids and I wanted to do things with Daddy and he just wanted to chill. We never found a middle ground, but we also didn't communicate about it either, and this all made our problems come to a head and while not the cause of the divorce, it aggrivated things enough to speed it along.. A very open, honest conversation is needed to get on the same page about things and feelings should be aired out. Sometimes its tough to hear it, but at least when its talked about, its known to both parties and yall can figure out where to go from there. But the biggest thing is not to get angry during these conversations. Just a regular conversation. Thats not to say it will resolve everything, because it won't. It'll always be a work in progress. DH and I couldn't communicate and it caused us to divorce. A year later, after some trials and tribulations apart, we remarried. Communication, open and honest is something we both have to work at, since its just easier to not say anything and ignore it at times.

Question: when there is more than one adult living on a farm/farmette, are the adults supposed to know what to do or is there a chore-list-maker? Shouldn't the adults just step up and do what needs to be done? We make a chore list, either mental or written out, so we know what we want to accomplish that day. Certain things are a "gimme" such as feeding/watering critters but sometimes other things need to be sorted through and responsibilities "delegated" to chore doers

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My answers are in bold. I didn't answer the very last question, as its not something I can discuss on a family friendly forum. Shoot me an email, if you'd like. I am no expert, but I gave my answers based on my experiences. I can understand how frusterated you feel.

 

[ChikeeMomma]

So sorry you are going through this!

Men and women are so very different! We think and feel so differently -- finding out how to navigate through our differences and try to understand (or at least listen to one another's feelings) is key. There is lots of good input on here from others.

I also wanted to suggest this book -- His Needs, Her Needs by Willard F. Harley, Jr. We are studying it in Sunday School, although it is not a "Christian" book. The hubby and I have found it informative. It talks about what needs are important to a man and what is important to a woman. It is eye opening. Best wishes and

!

 

[punk-a-doodle]

Chickeemomma: if the OP and her husband both subscribe to pre-60s standard US culture and thought, or conservative culture, then the book suggestion may work well. I personally would warn that relationships can work based on this, but that it definitely isn't for everyone. The suggestions contained would not sit well with many, and could be argued to be damaging (ie. Plastic surgery should be pusued by women if their husband wishes it), even many conservative people on that one. I just warn against such stereotyped thinking in any outlet of life if people are looking for happiness versus a perceived secure future. I still shake my head, for instance, that (male) psychologists denied for a long time that women could feel sexual pleasure...and that it took a male to debate that. Sometimes perceived cultural truths are very much a false projection. I do not mean this in a bragging way but in a matter of fact way when I say that my husband and I share a very deep and secure relationship. Neither of us is culturally conformist, and with those cultural standards removed, we think very much alike, and neither one thinks like a culturally defined male or female...but more just like people. So, sometimes getting away from that sort of thinking can actually be what forges a very natural and evenly give and take bond, or even just makes an individual more true to themselves. I definitely don't personally take a man telling me, not only what I think, but what my entire gender thinks well...but neither does my husband. But yes, if a more culturally defined relationship is wanted, that would be a pretty...darn good guide for that.

So yes, definitely everyone should give such books a read (it's great to see things from as many angles as possible), but just following pigeonholed thinking can actually worsen problems or resentment.

 

[MyKidLuvsGreenEgz]

Kaiser required us to read "Fighting for your Marriage" before our therapy session. What a dry book but I got through about half. Hubby a little less. Not sure I have it in me to start another one before I finish this one but will look at our library online for that one. Thanks for suggestions.

We definitely don't fit into anyone's stereotype. Hubby has hair almost as long as mine (very long) and I prefer the comforts of home to shopping or whatever city women do.

Took a piece of posterboard and drew a line down the middle. Left = "to do" and right = "done". Wrote a bunch of sticky notes of lots of things that need to be done. Already moved 2 to the done side. I think Hubby will go for it.

Having two wonderful friends over tonight for dinner and to see our new goat babies and bring some carpet remnants. The carpet is my compromise with Hubby's pet peeve about Son's scuffling feet: putting carpet scraps all over where Son paces (autistic thing). Also sent out e-mails to friends and family asking them to help raise funds for Son's service dog. THAT goes on the DONE side too. Now I need to pay some bills (yeah, right) and clean the kitchen so things will be at least halfway presentable tonight.

Too bad I'm allergic to cleaning products. Well, almost everything. Doesn't matter. Needs to be done.

Where's that sticky note pad?

 

[Carols Clucks]

If you do have a problem with chemical cleaning products, there are a lot of non toxic household items that make good cleaning products, things line vinegar and baking soda

But my fav cleaning tool is my wagner power steamer, best $70 I spent and it is just plan old water that does most of my cleaning.

 

[ChikeeMomma]

Quote:
Are we speaking of the same book? It was just a suggestion -- I was not sure of the way she lives her life or what she believes. I found it to be for anyone and even though we are studying it in Sunday School, it is by no means a "Christian" based book. I honestly don't understand my hubby at times and he doesn't understand me. It really puts it out there on how men tend to look at things versus women. We are so different and that's okay! I was really, sincerely trying to put something out there that may be of interest. She looks at it if she likes. I hate to see people divorce if there is a chance for reconnection.

It speaks about anger, expectations, forcing (not physically, but emotionally) one party to do or feel a certain way, which are very harmful to your marriage. It was trying to bring the two people in the marriage back together. It is in no way a pre-60s standard type of book! I promise it is not a book of submission. I find it a book about becoming each other's best friend.

Mykidluvsgreenegz -- nothing but best wishes to you! I meant nothing but sincere/genuine help with my suggestion. Even though I don't know you, I do feel for you. A marriage is the hardest relationship in one's life. I hope you find what you are looking for.

 

[klen]

I haven't read all the replies, but this is my honest opinion

Question: who's needs are number one in your family: your spouse or your child(ren). I feel like the adults (parents) are the foundation of the family. No one person's needs come before anyone else's. If your child is having a hard time, both parents need to come together for the child and over all good of the family.

Question: when a spouse comes into a ready-made family, should that new spouse (who's never had any parenting or long-term relationship experience) be expected to step in and be a 50% co-parent? I don't have any real experience with this. But I think the child isn't going to respect the person coming into the family to hand out punishments. That is earned. I do think that both parents need to support each other. IE, mom can't undermine the step-dad or the child will learn to pit you against each other.

Question: when a spouse is away from the home, for the job, 5 days out of 7, is that considered a separation?

Question: when you have a small farm with a garden, chickens and goats, and that spouse comes home on the weekend, is it ok for that spouse to expect 2 days of rest and relaxation and NOT do chores, maintenance or other farm-related things? NO! I don't work as much as my husband does and everything around the house is still 50/50. No one person can run this house. Even the kids help out. If you live here, you help maintain it! I'm assuming he knew what kind of homestead you had walking into the relationship?

Question: when there is more than one adult living on a farm/farmette, are the adults supposed to know what to do or is there a chore-list-maker? Shouldn't the adults just step up and do what needs to be done? If one of the adults can't step up and take care of things that need to be done, then I guess you could make a chore list. but I reserve those for my kid. Some people need it spelled out for them. Sounds like there is a lack of communication.

Question for you women who have hit menopause: when you have no desire because there's no hormones going and your husband acts like a petulant child, do you say "no sex" or just do it to avoid the inevitable argument? Never use sex as a bartering tool. But I also believe that help around the house is a form of four play.