Sometimes we're born into the wrong family **long**

[debilorrah]

Quote:
Because we're us, and you're you. We were actually all born to be individuals, with individual choices. I may choose to post something you may not. Is that sad? Maybe to you. The only thing I see that's sad in this picture is that some of us were raised with such guilt and shame that it takes a message board to talk to someone else who might hopefully understand, because our own families who are supposed to love us and understand don't. You say "not to down anyone" but then go ahead and post how sad it is that we are sharing our feelings on this board. It's absolutely meant to "down" us, you could not possibly have any other intention or you would have moved on quietly. Fortunately, our bonding and relating of this very serious issue to us will stand out more than your petty remark that clearly comes from a position that doesn't understand or want to understand what we are going through, so why even read or post on this thread? Also, you got your words mixed up there. We aren't "talking bad about family", we're "talking about bad family". Big difference. Now why don't you go look in the mirror and think about what issues you might have that would drive you to post such an insensitive thing on a thread that's otherwise filled with bonding and healing? What you find might be sad.

Sorry you feel I was trying to down someone here ,that was not My intent and I feel you took it wrong .Read My post however you want to I am ok with that .I didnt get My words mixed up at all.I have always thought it very sad that a person feels the need to post negative things about their family in an open forum,that being said does not mean I do Not feel for a person who is dealing with such issues.My hope would be for the said person to have real happiness in thier lives and leave the past in the past.It makes one a whole lot healthier person mentally as well as physically and after all isnt that what is most important?
What I said was not an attack ,hopefully someone will understand that.
Peace be with you all.And God Bless.

Sometimes people need to vent because their families are HORRID! If you find it insensitive for us to post about people that do their best to ruin our lives, I think you may have more issues than we do.

just sayin.

 

[Momagain1]

Quote:
I got the gist of what you are saying, and thanks for the support. Sometimes it's difficult to understand what others in different situations are going though, but not being judgmental is appreciated. One thing I just wanted to say is about the sentence I put in bold. I do not hate my mother. Despite everything I've said here about the reality of who my mother is, no, I don't hate her. I do resent her, I am hurt by her, etc., but "hate" isn't even in my vocabulary, truly. And as far as sadness? Well, I certainly would have lived the rest of my life in sadness had I continued contact with my mother. Absolutely sure of that. The first 30-something years with her in it were very sad. I finally opted for happiness. In my case, choosing happiness meant a life without my toxic mother in it. Since she refused to change, grow, learn, I had to. But I just didn't want it to come across that I "hate" my mother, I don't. My life is just happier without her constantly infiltrating it with dysfunction and all the horrible destructive feelings that come from that dysfunction. I absolutely want happiness for everyone here, whether or not cutting out a parent is the necessary course of action, or whether a relationship can be healed. Doesn't matter how you come to a place of being happy, as long as you do.

I didnt specificallymean you meant you hated anyone...just as in a general statement...its hard to
have words/meaning come across in written form...

GOOD for you choosing life w/o toxic ppl in it..its hard..I had to do the same with a member of my family..
I myself, choose to keep certain family members at a distance..because they destroy my own family from the inside/out when
they are around...its hard....

but i agree..as long as you come to a place of happiness..that is what we should all strive for...

 

[Laurajean]

Quote:
Because we're us, and you're you. We were actually all born to be individuals, with individual choices. I may choose to post something you may not. Is that sad? Maybe to you. The only thing I see that's sad in this picture is that some of us were raised with such guilt and shame that it takes a message board to talk to someone else who might hopefully understand, because our own families who are supposed to love us and understand don't. You say "not to down anyone" but then go ahead and post how sad it is that we are sharing our feelings on this board. It's absolutely meant to "down" us, you could not possibly have any other intention or you would have moved on quietly. Fortunately, our bonding and relating of this very serious issue to us will stand out more than your petty remark that clearly comes from a position that doesn't understand or want to understand what we are going through, so why even read or post on this thread? Also, you got your words mixed up there. We aren't "talking bad about family", we're "talking about bad family". Big difference. Now why don't you go look in the mirror and think about what issues you might have that would drive you to post such an insensitive thing on a thread that's otherwise filled with bonding and healing? What you find might be sad.

Sorry you feel I was trying to down someone here ,that was not My intent and I feel you took it wrong .Read My post however you want to I am ok with that .I didnt get My words mixed up at all.I have always thought it very sad that a person feels the need to post negative things about their family in an open forum,that being said does not mean I do Not feel for a person who is dealing with such issues.My hope would be for the said person to have real happiness in thier lives and leave the past in the past.It makes one a whole lot healthier person mentally as well as physically and after all isnt that what is most important?
What I said was not an attack ,hopefully someone will understand that.
Peace be with you all.And God Bless.

Unfortunately, it is not the past that we are discussing. It's how our dysfunctional parents are CURRENTLY affecting our lives. It's still a very real and current pain for many of us. The OP's parents are CURRENTLY doing things that make her feel unloved. That's not the past. Even if it was just the past, if someone needs to talk about it, if they take comfort in others relating to that, why is that wrong? I think we need to take every opportunity in life to try and achieve happiness and healing, not "stuff it because it's the past". That's not healing, that's shoving it down. That's dangerous and harmful to our health and well being. And yes, you DID get your words mixed up. You said "talking bad about family". My point in changing it to "talking about bad family" was to illustrate that those who act like family, those who love us and show it, aren't being talked bad about. We are discussing the members of "family" that don't even count as family, because they have destroyed our lives. That's not "talking bad" about them, that's speaking the truth as we know it. This is exactly the kind of shame that I was surrounded with my whole life, people like yourself, however well meaning, saying things like "it's the past, just get over it" or "it's not nice to say bad things about family", etc. With all due respect, it's ridiculous to shame people for sharing feelings that they obviously feel the need to share! Why not just look at it like, "Well, these folks are apparently benefiting from this discussion, so what's it to me? Do you know what I mean? This is healing for us. We were stifled our entire lives, it's OKAY for us now, as free adults to discuss that pain. We aren't sitting around gossiping for the cruel fun of it, no one is naming names, we are having a very serious discussion about alcoholic parents and the affects it's had on us as their adult children. It's not "badmouthing", it's "sharing and healing". I see by your second post you have good intentions, but please try to understand that telling us to "leave the past in the past" is horribly insulting for those of us who are still going through it or still trying to make peace with it. It's shaming us, whether you realize it or not. I mean that sincerely.

 

[Laurajean]

Quote:
Because we're us, and you're you. We were actually all born to be individuals, with individual choices. I may choose to post something you may not. Is that sad? Maybe to you. The only thing I see that's sad in this picture is that some of us were raised with such guilt and shame that it takes a message board to talk to someone else who might hopefully understand, because our own families who are supposed to love us and understand don't. You say "not to down anyone" but then go ahead and post how sad it is that we are sharing our feelings on this board. It's absolutely meant to "down" us, you could not possibly have any other intention or you would have moved on quietly. Fortunately, our bonding and relating of this very serious issue to us will stand out more than your petty remark that clearly comes from a position that doesn't understand or want to understand what we are going through, so why even read or post on this thread? Also, you got your words mixed up there. We aren't "talking bad about family", we're "talking about bad family". Big difference. Now why don't you go look in the mirror and think about what issues you might have that would drive you to post such an insensitive thing on a thread that's otherwise filled with bonding and healing? What you find might be sad.

Just wanted to add, how is talking on this board different than say, an Alanon meeting, where you talk about how to heal and be whole and discuss in a group setting your families? Or are you against things like that too? I just can't understand why anyone would judge a group of people discussing family problems, relating, finding relief knowing we aren't alone, and trying to be happy in life. Why is that so sad? I just don't get it.

VERY well said. Laura, you always manage to say things much more eloquently than I have the ability to.

Thanks Debi. And you know why? Because while my mother was drunk and passed out my entire childhood, and my father was busy working and escaping it all, I had the option to go get into trouble and become a bad person, or sit in my room and WRITE, which was safe and healing. And that's what I've always done, is WRITE. It's the one thing I know. Guess I have my mother to thank for that!

 

[debilorrah]

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VERY well said. Laura, you always manage to say things much more eloquently than I have the ability to.

Thanks Debi. And you know why? Because while my mother was drunk and passed out my entire childhood, and my father was busy working and escaping it all, I had the option to go get into trouble and become a bad person, or sit in my room and WRITE, which was safe and healing. And that's what I've always done, is WRITE. It's the one thing I know. Guess I have my mother to thank for that!

You chose the RIGHT way. I didn't. I drugged myself from 12-19 years of age. Thankfully I landed in a decent rehab, one that was 3 years instead of 30 days.... 2 years IN HOUSE and 1 year out-patient therapy. Phoenix House. Google them. They saved my life.

 

[Laurajean]

Quote:
Thanks Debi. And you know why? Because while my mother was drunk and passed out my entire childhood, and my father was busy working and escaping it all, I had the option to go get into trouble and become a bad person, or sit in my room and WRITE, which was safe and healing. And that's what I've always done, is WRITE. It's the one thing I know. Guess I have my mother to thank for that!

You chose the RIGHT way. I didn't. I drugged myself from 12-19 years of age. Thankfully I landed in a decent rehab, one that was 3 years instead of 30 days.... 2 years IN HOUSE and 1 year out-patient therapy. Phoenix House. Google them. They saved my life.

You know, after I posted that I thought of your past, and cringed. I certainly hope you didn't take offense to that (although I know you didn't). I did get in my share of trouble, but it was petty, and thankfully, I never did get into drugs. A good thing too, because I come from a long line of alcoholics, so it would be a slippery slope. But yes, my way of dealing with the pain was to just sit in my room, alone and write. I still have some of my diaries from my childhood. Poems where I try giving my parents psychological advice, etc.

It wasn't the childhood I would have hoped for myself or for anyone, and neither was yours. Thankfully, we made the best of our lives and turned out pretty okay!

 

[debilorrah]

Quote:
You chose the RIGHT way. I didn't. I drugged myself from 12-19 years of age. Thankfully I landed in a decent rehab, one that was 3 years instead of 30 days.... 2 years IN HOUSE and 1 year out-patient therapy. Phoenix House. Google them. They saved my life.

You know, after I posted that I thought of your past, and cringed. I certainly hope you didn't take offense to that (although I know you didn't). I did get in my share of trouble, but it was petty, and thankfully, I never did get into drugs. A good thing too, because I come from a long line of alcoholics, so it would be a slippery slope. But yes, my way of dealing with the pain was to just sit in my room, alone and write. I still have some of my diaries from my childhood. Poems where I try giving my parents psychological advice, etc.

It wasn't the childhood I would have hoped for myself or for anyone, and neither was yours. Thankfully, we made the best of our lives and turned out pretty okay!

The beauty of all this pain is that we NOW have good lives, even though I am still in the transition phase with my mother, I am still strong in who I am. Never cringe!!!! I cannot take offense at a person that handled their pain better than I, in fact I applaud you! I seriously wish I had taken that course. I am soooo thankful for Ken in my life as well. We were meant to be here.

 

[Laurajean]

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You know, after I posted that I thought of your past, and cringed. I certainly hope you didn't take offense to that (although I know you didn't). I did get in my share of trouble, but it was petty, and thankfully, I never did get into drugs. A good thing too, because I come from a long line of alcoholics, so it would be a slippery slope. But yes, my way of dealing with the pain was to just sit in my room, alone and write. I still have some of my diaries from my childhood. Poems where I try giving my parents psychological advice, etc.

It wasn't the childhood I would have hoped for myself or for anyone, and neither was yours. Thankfully, we made the best of our lives and turned out pretty okay!

The beauty of all this pain is that we NOW have good lives, even though I am still in the transition phase with my mother, I am still strong in who I am. Never cringe!!!! I cannot take offense at a person that handled their pain better than I, in fact I applaud you! I seriously wish I had taken that course. I am soooo thankful for Ken in my life as well. We were meant to be here.

Well, along with all that alone time and writing was years of very deep Depression, so I can't say who was the better off. But you are right, NOW we have good lives and for me at least, I am to thank for that. I opted to give myself a good life despite my mother's best attempts to pass down the dysfunction. I don't mean that literally of course, I know she didn't TRY to be dysfunctional, it's just all she knows. I'm just glad I broke the chain. Unfortunately, I never had kids out of the very great fear that I would ruin them. I didn't want to accidentally pass down the kind of pain my mother brought to me, even thought I *think* I know better. It's not technically too late, but I don't see it happening. I'm still so busy working on myself. One never knows what life has in store however....

 

[kara_leigh]

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I'm very glad for you that your life is so perfect. If it's not, then I am glad that you have someone there that you can talk to when things go wrong. I DO NOT. You should have just moved on. As for the bolded part, I am VERY insulted. I am NOT a liar.

I'm glad that everyone else in my thread has been supportive.

 

[kara_leigh]

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Thank you. Everyone has actually been great. I haven't received any PMs, so far anyway. So far there has only been one post that wasn't supportive. I feel very comfortable here, and seem to have found a lot of kindred spirits.

I know you didn't mean for it to be, but I wanted to say that I actually do love my parents and sister VERY much. That is what makes this so hard. I want my mom to be that world's best mom, someone to support me and who I can run to with my problems. I want my sister to be my best friend that I do everything with and who I talk to all the time and can tell all my secrets. I'm crushed that it isn't that way. I'm coming to terms with that though.