Sometimes we're born into the wrong family **long**

[nop169]

LauraJean, again you inspire me. I appreciate the fact that you understood what I was saying even though it was not written completely - I appreciate that you instinctively understood.
On the point you bring up of not being "good" enough - I also felt that way for years & years, for I was the one who got between them when he beat her & took the abuse to save her. I was the one who did the chores. I was the one who had to "prove" he was worthy of her love.... it was just so sad that a child who cannot understand the currents that buffet him are not from his actions or who he is. It was never enough... because they did not want me BUT DID NOT WANT TO LET ME GO because I could destroy the illusion. My self respect, identity & self worth were completely destroyed before I left home & it took years to get over it (well actually I am never completely over it - it is a daily struggle) to see a man rather than a beaten 13 y.o. boy with blood running down his face when I look in the mirror. It is tough because we do not see what others see when they look at us. But with time, loving support from our spouses & friends - we adjust.
I have learned to love freely, to give wholeheartedly, to embrace the pain & hold onto joy. I created my own family with my wife & 3 adopted kids & from loving supportive friends (who may not totally understand but are supportive & forgive me if I relapse occaisionally into a withdrawn, suspicious man). I stopped taking the blame for other's choices & I refuse to allow them to dictate the relationship. I am not against a family healing - but to heal they must first admit & then take responsibility for their actions. I do not want them to get on their knees & beg but they must acknowledge and change. If not - then the family will forever remain broken - but it is not my fault nor is it my responsibility to knit us all back together - I have tried to do that in the past.
Of 4 children - all boys - the oldest continues the cycle with his family & is an alcoholic. Then me with my own deep rooted emotional turmoil. A 35 year old who has been married twice, has a drug addiction & 5 children with multiple women. The baby at 26 has drug & alcohol dependency issues. I am the only one who has stayed married in a loving healthy relationship. I am the only one who gives all for his kids & tries to give them a well balanced life. I am the only one who has bought his own land & built a home. The others live like trash, party hard, do not care what their kids are exposed to & blame everyone else for their choices. How can the parents not claim responsibility when all of their children have these issues? It is so obvious to not only me but now, even to others who denied it occured when I was younger. Although I do not HATE them I also do not want a relationship with these issues unresolved. Truely I wish that they would acknowledge & heal. Such wasted lives that could have been so much more if they would simply let go of the rags of silence & blame & denial that they clutch around them so tightly.
I am far from perfect & do not wish anyone reading this to think that I am or claim to be. I also am not judging them harshly - for if you knew of it all - you would judge them even harsher. But if nothing else - I learned to let it go, to search my heart & soul & to forgive. But I will never forget nor allow them to continue their destructive ways on me or my family. I have learned to ignore what others think of me. I have learned "to thine own self be true". I have learned that I am only accountable for my life & my actions. I have learned to be human means being humane. And I continue to learn from others who also share their similar journey with us. ANd for that connection I am truely thankful.

 

[3goodeggs]

Laura jean,
How do I save this thread? Do I copy and paste each post?
I will need to read all of this again, over and over long after the thread gets locked or it dies away.

 

[Laurajean]

Quote:
Yep, I instinctively understand yes, although you worded it just fine to begin with. So true about them needing to maintain "the illusion". My mother would point out pictures of me and her when I was little, talking about my pretty dress or what we did that day, and I'd be looking at the same photograph thinking, "I remember that day. You got massively drunk and we almost hit a tree on the way home. Then you passed out and I never did eat". Things like that. She has this perfect picture in her head that she was a great mother and I was like a little trophy. Only I wasn't treated nicely when others weren't around. Sometimes I think about relatives and when we would visit, and I think "How did they not notice how massively drunk she always was, or how much she ignored me? Or how underweight I was from never eating? Why weren't they worried?" But most of them were too busy cracking one open with her and ignoring their own kids to notice how neglected I was, sitting nearby, watching, worrying, counting her drinks. And I like you held things together. I did all the worrying that she never did. While she was passed out on the floor I would frantically clean up around her before my father got home. And then, almost magically, she would wake up from her stupor just in time to freshen her hair and act normal for my father's arrival....

Quote:
Yes, all of this. My brother is a dead beat dad and petty criminal. And he's six years older than me! He hasn't paid child support in years, or ever actually, his own teenage daughter is now pregnant, he doesn't hold a job, he's a massive alcoholic, his teeth are rotted out, and he's a thief who has stolen things from us and everyone around us. And he's a pathological liar, and I mean that quite literally. Yet my mother, amazingly, BRAGS about him to her long distance siblings! Talks about how wonderful he is, how HE is the only one of her kids who takes care of her, etc. And they all live far away and believe it! I'M the one who is good, I'M the one who doesn't do drugs, or steal, and I'm the one who always took care of my mother when my brother was off traveling with the Carnival (and yes I mean that literally too). Yet I'm the one she says "there's something wrong with". Yep, I'm different all right, I'm FUNCTIONAL. Crazy me.....


Quote:
"Let Go". I learned that phrase when I was in my young teens and used to visit the high school drug abuse counselor. Not for any drug abuse on my part, but to talk about my mother with SOMEONE. She used to talk about "detaching" and "letting go". Over and over again, I would say "Okay, I get what this is, but HOW? HOW do I do this?" She never really had an answer for that. I finally realized that in order to let go, I had to literally let go, and cut off communication. Had my mother EVER even admitted any wrong doing, perhaps things would be different. But she's never accepted ANY responsibility, outright tells me I am making things up or remembering things wrong, etc. Like my whole childhood was my imagination. I was the one who was sober, I'd think if anyone in my family would remember it accurately, it *might* be me. And that is the very reason I'm not in touch. I could possibly get over and move on and heal WITH her if she was willing to accept even some responsibility in it. Even a half-sincere apology. But there's none of that. Pure denial AND she continues to lie about me to her family. I hear things through the grapevine that she says I did, and I think, "My god, she's still sitting there making stuff up about me. I haven't been in touch with her in eight years, and she hasn't changed a bit.

So, yes, I finally detached, I just never expected it would be literally. Well, that's not entirely true, I DID suspect it would end up this way, but had always hoped for that magical moment when she'd decide to change. When I think of all the hours, days and years I've wasted trying to get through to her, it burns me. But now I can focus on getting through to me. At least I listen.

 

[Laurajean]

Quote:
Yeah, I need to copy this too. Back when my old "Small Town" thread got closed, I asked the mods how to save a thread. They said that short of copying the text of each page, pasting it onto my pc and saving it that way, there was no other way. So that's what I did. I just highlighted it all copied, inserted into Microsoft Word, and saved it. It's actually pretty funny now and then to go back and read that thread. It was a pain in the butt and takes a while, but with something like this it's worthwhile. I plan to do it. The avatars, etc. show up, but you can either delete them or just leave them.

OH: But you don't have to copy each POST. You can hold the left mouse button down and just highlight all the way to the bottom of the page and do it that way. Then go page by page. I don't know how you have your settings, but I changed mine to show the maximum posts per page, so I only show two long pages. It's easier to copy that way too.

 

[kla37]

It sounds like you have a second chance at a loving family with your in-laws.

 

[3goodeggs]

Quote:
Yeah, I need to copy this too. Back when my old "Small Town" thread got closed, I asked the mods how to save a thread. They said that short of copying the text of each page, pasting it onto my pc and saving it that way, there was no other way. So that's what I did. I just highlighted it all copied, inserted into Microsoft Word, and saved it. It's actually pretty funny now and then to go back and read that thread. It was a pain in the butt and takes a while, but with something like this it's worthwhile. I plan to do it. The avatars, etc. show up, but you can either delete them or just leave them.

OH: But you don't have to copy each POST. You can hold the left mouse button down and just highlight all the way to the bottom of the page and do it that way. Then go page by page. I don't know how you have your settings, but I changed mine to show the maximum posts per page, so I only show two long pages. It's easier to copy that way too.

I had to do it post by post because i do not have enough memory to do a page at a time.
My son's computer should have the 'umph' though.
I will just copy and paste as I go. It does not give the names- I just type 'reply" and OP. so i can keep some focus.
Maybe we should start our own survivors blog.

 

[I have WHAT in my yard?]

This may not be what BYC was for, but I think this is what the internet is for. An open forum of people safely hidden behind their anonymity opening old wounds and pouring on sunshine and love to help them heal. Awesome stuff.

There are TONS of us out here.

Anyone else remember sitting in the back seat of a car being driven by a drunk parent hoping that when the accident finally happens you would be lucky enough to be killed instantly?? Oh the happy memories! Anyone who drinks and drives with kids who thinks the kids don't know they are in danger is kidding themselves. We knew.......

 

[kara_leigh]

I have WHAT in my yard? :

This may not be what BYC was for, but I think this is what the internet is for. An open forum of people safely hidden behind their anonymity opening old wounds and pouring on sunshine and love to help them heal. Awesome stuff.

There are TONS of us out here.

Anyone else remember sitting in the back seat of a car being driven by a drunk parent hoping that when the accident finally happens you would be lucky enough to be killed instantly?? Oh the happy memories! Anyone who drinks and drives with kids who thinks the kids don't know they are in danger is kidding themselves. We knew.......

Oh yes. When I was around 11 or 12 years old my parents got REALLY drunk (like stumbling just to walk drunk) at my uncle's wedding. I actually BEGGED and PLEADED with my other aunt and uncle to drive me home so I didn't have to ride with them. I was scared to death. No one helped me. I got into BIG trouble for asking for help. On our way home, my dad accused me of wanting to have sex with my male cousin who is a year older than I am. (I loved my cousin and looked up to him, but not in that way of course). I just sat curled up in the fetal position with my eyes closed the entire way home.

I don't know why no one ever helped me, even though a lot of people knew what went on in our house. One of my friends in high school, his parents offered to take me in if I wanted to, but I was too scared. I wasn't the greatest student in high school, I got into some trouble for skipping classes. My counselors knew what my family life was like, and I think one of my teachers did try to help in his own way. He talked to my counselors, and they agreed not to tell my parents about any of my problems as long as I went to Saturday school and didn't skip of them. No one helped in a real way, though.​

 

[Laurajean]

I have WHAT in my yard? :

This may not be what BYC was for, but I think this is what the internet is for. An open forum of people safely hidden behind their anonymity opening old wounds and pouring on sunshine and love to help them heal. Awesome stuff.

There are TONS of us out here.

Anyone else remember sitting in the back seat of a car being driven by a drunk parent hoping that when the accident finally happens you would be lucky enough to be killed instantly?? Oh the happy memories! Anyone who drinks and drives with kids who thinks the kids don't know they are in danger is kidding themselves. We knew.......

A few years ago, before some intensive counseling on this very topic, I wouldn't even be able to post this, but here's one very bad memory on the topic that stands out to me. My mother drove drunk all the time. She was drunk almost every day of my childhood, not "drinking" but DRUNK. I dreaded trips to the store and would be tense the entire time as she drove to town, weaving all over the back roads. Ironically, I would beg her to let me stay home and she would say it wasn't SAFE to be home alone. Can you imagine? So anyway, this one day we had to pick up my father at work. My mother was very drunk and told me to get in the car. I said no. There was just NO way she could drive, she was a mess. I begged and pleaded her not to drive. She got angry and grabbed me by the arm and twisted it, forcing me into the car. This was not the first time I had been scared of her drinking and driving, but this was the first time I put up a fight. But I was small and I lost. I put my seatbelt on even though my family never used seatbelts back then. So off she goes down the road. She knew she was really drunk, because she turned off the main road and onto a back road that she always took to town when she was drunk, because there was apparently less chance of police on that road. After she turns down that road, and we are only a few miles into our drive, she is weaving all over the place, bad, and swerving ALL the way over into the other lane and actually continuing on in the wrong lane. I was crying and begging her, "stop, stop, please Ma, stop" and she sshhed me and told me to be quiet. I realized I was actually just distracting her more, so I stifled my tears and tried not to cry out.

At that point a car came up behind us. It didn't take long before he could obviously see she was drunk, I am not exaggerating when I say she was ALL over the road, even going into the shoulder and as I said, the opposite lane. So I see my mother glance nervously into the rear view mirror and I look back and see the man in the car behind us is flashing his head lights repeatedly. Then he starts honking and pulling up very close, and I can hear him yelling "Pull over! Pull over!" I started crying again, and was very scared and said "Ma, you gotta pull over, the man behind us is mad!" and she tried to keep driving, in fact, she sped up which really scared me even more. As if she was going to "lose him". Eventually she just gave up, and pulled over. That man jumped out of his car so fast I couldn't believe it and stormed up to the driver's side. It was summer and the window was rolled down, and he reached RIGHT into the car and yanked the keys out of the ignition and screamed, I mean screamed in my mother's face "Whattya trying to do, kill your little girl!?!?!?" And then he didn't even give her time to answer before walking up the driveway of a nearby house, knocking and calling the police. I was scared to death. On one hand I was SO relieved he got her to stop driving, but on the other hand I was little and didn't know what was going to happen, it was horribly frightening. I remember waiting in the car, silent. My mother sat there with her face in one hand, out of embarrassment I assume. Or out of annoyance perhaps.

The police eventually pulled up. I didn't hear the conversation, but they put her in one car, no hand cuffs or anything, and another cop came to me and said I was going for a ride downtown with him. We arrived downtown and I just remember sitting there while the Sheriff called my father at work and said he needed to pick us up, that my mother was drunk and couldn't drive. My father got a ride to the station with a co-worker, came in and picked us up and we drove home. They did not arrest my mother or charge her with anything. Just a slap on the wrist and called my father. Interestingly, I don't remember anything about the ride home, if my father was mad, or how mad, if they argued, I don't remember. Yet I remember the rest VIVIDLY. I can still close my eyes and see the leaves, backlit by the summer sun, that grew over the edges of that road above us. I remember we were in a 1976 Comet, that was this horrendous peach color. I remember my hands sweating and thinking it was weird that my hands were sweating. I remember the smell of the police officer's cologne was too strong on the drive to the station. It's all so clear and vivid.

I've always wanted put a public notice in the newspaper of that town, saying thank you to the stranger who made my mother pull over that day. Thank you for potentially and very likely saving my life. I don't know who he was, or if he lived in that town, or even if he's still alive now. I'm not even sure of the date. I just know I probably owe being alive to him.

That's the scariest car ride of my life, that's for sure, but it's really only one of so many incidents. I'm not even going into the time she ran over the neighbors Beagle who lived up the road, and DIDN'T STOP because she knew he was drunk. The dog died. Or the time she backed out of our own driveway drunk, and ran over and killed OUR dog, who was old and deaf. We always had to check for her, because she couldn't hear. And then there was the time that I was at a friends house and my mother and my brother showed up in the pickup truck together to pick me up HOURS late, angering my friends parents, and they were both hammered. I got in and realized how drunk they were and started yelling at my mother (I was older now, 14). Finally my brother slurred "Just let Laura drive if she's so smart", and my mother, instigated by my brother pulled over and handed me the keys. I was 14. I wasn't even old enough for a driver's permit yet, I had NO clue how to drive. Well, a clue perhaps, but no practice. I was terrified as I drove about 15 miles per hour at night, with my brother blaring the music and the two of them yelling at me to go faster. I drove from the border of NH into Maine, about 25 miles on the back roads, absolutely terrified, but thinking that if I got in trouble it would be better than my mother driving us into a tree. The stories go on and on, as I'm sure they do with you folks. Very bad memories. NOW those things are in the past, so I don't speak of them much, except that the conversation made me think of it. Guess one memory turned out to be a few, sorry. Thanks for listening.​

 

[kara_leigh]

My dad got pulled over one night while we were driving (I was really young, so I don't remember where we were going) and he was arrested for driving drunk. My mother was drunk also so they wouldn't let her drive, so we all had to go to the police station and one of their friends came to pick us up. I was SOOO embarrassed. My mother was also always drunk, 24/7. Growing up like that, with that fear and embarrassment, was the main reason why I told my husband he needed to stop drinking or I would take our son and leave. I didn't want my son to grow up like I did.