Friend Issues part Deux

[Ec_Prokta]

I have a good friend who I talk with about... Scratch that, all of our conversations deal with her life and how depressed she is and I talk her out of suicide 4 times a week. I'm honestly getting tired of talking to her about all of this, since this has been going on for about a year. She's nearly done with school, but she won't move out or see a doctor because she doesn't trust them. I've tried to give her all kinds of advice, but it doesn't seem to be sticking.

What do I do?

 

[eenie114]

I think patience and compassion are key here. You've been there, done that, haven't you?
Having been in your boat once or twice ("I could have SWORN I already answered that...!") try reminding her of what you have previously said. It's like the review method in schools. If she didn't initially dismiss your suggestions, it could be that they just aren't front and center enough in her mind for her to act on them.
Good luck.

 

[CityGirlintheCountry]

I had a friend like this when I was in high school/college. It was always about how horrible her life was and how miserable she was. Truthfully, I never really could see why her life was horrible. She had parents and siblings who loved her, a nice house to live in, plenty of food, nice clothes, etc. She just liked being dramatic and being the center of attention.

When we went off to college she lived down the hall from me in the dorm. The drama continued. She would complain about having to stay up all night taking care of her drunk, sick roommates and again about how miserable her life was. She would not listen to advice and just preferred to wallow in her misery. About my junior year she started playing the suicide card. It took me over a year to figure it out, but finally I realized she would toss out suicide when people stopped focusing on her. We had all been trained to "take suicidal threats seriously" and so we would drop everything and go pander to her. It made huge chunks of my college life hellish and miserable. I was in a very demanding major and was stressed all the time. There was never any sympathy or support in my direction. It was always in hers.

The summer after graduation I finally cut her off. I had recently been diagnosed with a very serious chronic illness and I felt absolutely miserable. She came to visit and instead of asking how I was and how she could help, the entire visit was about how horrid her life was. At that point I realized that she had never been a true friend. I said goodbye and walked away. I wish I had done it years earlier.

A true friendship is give and take. A true friendship means you truly listen to each other and help each other out. If you are the only one giving and you are the only one listening, then it isn't friendship. It's being used.

I can't tell you what to do with this friend, but people like that can suck the life right out of you. Sometimes, you have to just walk away. They aren't worth it and will never change. Next time she threatens suicide, call her parents or a teacher and report her. It is not your job to carry her emotionally. It is the job of the adults around you. Next time she complains tell her that you are sorry she is unhappy, but that you would like to talk about something else. Then change the subject. She will either get the point or she'll continue to be a drain and you will know what to do.

 

[cassie]

X2. Citygirl is right. Take her advice. I have been in a similar situation. More than once. A wise social worker I used to know told me you simpy cannot rescue someone who does not want to be rescued. I didn't want to believe her, but experience showed me she was right.
Your friend needs professional help. You are not equipped to give it to her. I suggest you tell her that point blank. This drama is an attention getting ploy on her part. You are not helping her or yourself by being a party to it. Don't make her problems yours. The best thing you can do for her and for yourself is to distance yourself.

 

[redhen]

Yep, call her parents,.. or the local police in her town.. tell them you have a friend thats threatening suicide..
And WHY you should do it??..
1: IF she is serious, her parents NEED to know. its simply the RIGHT thing to do. How would it feel if she did do it and you didnt do the right thing and tell her family what she was going to do? ..
2: If shes just being a drama queen, if you get her family or police involved, she will stop playing that game reeeeal quick..

 

[b.hromada]

Yep, call her parents,.. or the local police in her town.. tell them you have a friend thats threatening suicide..
And WHY you should do it??..
1: IF she is serious, her parents NEED to know. its simply the RIGHT thing to do. How would it feel if she did do it and you didnt do the right thing and tell her family what she was going to do? ..
2: If shes just being a drama queen, if you get her family or police involved, she will stop playing that game reeeeal quick..

x2 !

 

[DCasper]

I have suicidal thoughts and if I actually decide to go through with it, I will not tell anyone. If your friend is reaching out to you...it is actually that...she is reaching out to you...she has not made up her mind. Obviously she trust you and looks to you for help, don't let her down or she might go through with it. You are in for a dime...stay in for a dollar.

I wish that I had a friend to talk with. The VA and the Army have left me with nowhere to turn. If it wasn't for my wife...I would have checked out a long time ago. I am worth almost a million dollars dead...and almost penniless alive.

 

[bakerjw]

Depression is a dark monster that drags people into a very lonely place. When people get deep enough into depression that suicide becomes a viable alternative, they don't easily talk about it to anyone as it is such a deeply personal experience. People who do talk about it all the time are not serious but are looking for assurances of their insecurities. If I had a friend who constantly talked about suicide I'd tell them to get help or stop talking about it because I don't want to hear it. But there is a stigma associated with needing help with a mental illness as people look at you differently and oftentimes the drugs are worse than the symptoms.

 

[turney31]

Anytime, anyone tells you they are contemplating suicide, take them as 100% serious and call 911 to get them help. I didn't 25+ years ago and my best friend shot herself in the heart. SHE IS DEAD! It doesn't matter what we think her reasons are for saying it. Get people involved, NOW! This is something I have never recovered from and think of daily. She might be here today if I had taken her seriously. This has greatly affected my ability to have close friends. I would rather have a mad, alive friend than a dead painful memory of what if I had done the right thing and called.

 

[featherfinder]

Yep, call her parents,.. or the local police in her town.. tell them you have a friend thats threatening suicide..
And WHY you should do it??..
1: IF she is serious, her parents NEED to know. its simply the RIGHT thing to do. How would it feel if she did do it and you didnt do the right thing and tell her family what she was going to do? ..
2: If shes just being a drama queen, if you get her family or police involved, she will stop playing that game reeeeal quick..

X3


I had a friend once that would threaten suicide and he called me one night and I tried to talk him down. It didnt work. He hung up on my and shut his phone off. I called the police. We have something here called the Baker Act. Not sure if it is the same for you but it is a 48 hour sucide watch and evaluation for anyone who gets taken in for threatening suicide. After I did that he told his parents about everything and it was all for attention. He never did it again.
But then again another friend of mine was depressed and never threatened suicide or so anyone though and one day we found him dead with a gun in his hand. I think if you really want to go threw with it you dont tell people your plans.