I have been with my husband Keith for 11 years this year. When we met in 1999 I was 15 years old with a family that put the D in dysfunctional. Keith's family gathered me up into their arms and hearts and welcomed me as one of their own from the very beginning. Keith's Grandparents have always been an inspiration to me. In a time when such a high rate of marriages fail (I was a child of divorce myself) it is intensely refreshing to see a couple who have stood the test of time. It confirms it, TRUE LOVE DOES EXSIST AND CAN BE HAD!
Meme and Pepe are the epitome of the American Dream. Two young people once upon a time met, fell in love and married. Bought a little land and built a house. Had 2 babies who have grown into beautiful women inside and out, and made their house a home. Married more years than I can count, 7 Grandchildren, 14 Great Grandchildren. More in love now than they were when they met. They would often look around and marvel at the large family that two people created in love. They are just the picture I think we all see in our heads when we think of growing old with the one you love surrounded by their family.
This is the old wrinkled couple I see in my head, sitting in rocking chairs on a old country porch, you know the one! Holding hands and watching their Great Grandchilden playing in the grass...
My husband was SO very lucky to grow up with these two extraordinary people as his grandparents. I am blessed to have been welcomed into this family and my God when I think that pretty soon I won't get to sit in their living room and hang on Pepe's every word as he tells me some story (for the 12th time) about when he was younger, my throat closes up... I've tried to memorize every story but it won't be the same! I love them so...
I look out my picture office window right now as a thunder storm rolls over very fast and it fits my mood as I write this post. My sister in law has just called to tell me that today Grandpa will go into Hospice.
You see, they found Cancer in Grandpa a couple of months back. An X-ray for a cold revealed spots in the lungs. Upon further investigation it was discovered that he is in stage four Cancer and the lung spots were just newly forming things, spread from other areas. He was okay for a little while, his normal self. You couldn't tell he was sick. We joked about it. But deep down I knew, I've seen this thing rear it's ugly head. l lost my own Grandfather to Lung Cancer about 8 years ago. His was discovered ironically also after a chest X-ray, after he thought he had broken a rib while shoveling snow. He was fine at first too. Then all of a sudden he was wasting away and gone.
Apparently Grandpa is becoming delirious. His mind is elsewhere. He knows who people are, but he is off in LaLa land, working, swimming, driving, all sorts of things. Hospice says that he is getting ready to go, he is saying things that the patients say when they are ready to leave this world, he is asking for the car keys, he wants to leave, talking about seeing people who are already gone, etc. Everyday for the last 4 days he has gotten worse. Yesterday he agreed to go into Hospice when prior he wanted nothing to do with it. Tomorrow we will visit him for what could be the last time.
The world is preparing to say goodbye to an amazing man. It shouldn't be sad really, he has seen and done all of the things he wanted to.
We should be celebrating, so many people don't get to stay with the love of their lives, see exotic places, have a good job for a long time, etc. What a life they made together!
Starting out as most of us do, with barely two nickels to rub together, they worked hard and made a living; never rich but they did alright!
I personally don't handle death well, I am exceedingly sensitive. But no one would ever know that because I am a master at holding in my feelings with a vice grip like strength.
I need to be strong for my Keith who will need me at this time, and for my children. I cannot go off in a sobbing frenzy like I am inside. I'll have my time later when I'm alone.
Just like when Keith's Dad died right after our son died in 2004-2005. This won't be hard like that though, those deaths were hard because we felt robbed. Our baby and his father weren't supposed to die. They still had time we were sure. It was sudden and the wounds were raw and jagged.
The death of Grandpa will be different. It won't hurt because of the physical act of him leaving the world. Of course we will miss him and long to see him, hear his voice, etc. But his death will hurt more because it signifies the end of a phase, the end of a life with Grandma and us. In his death and in seeing Grandma lose Grandpa we are all seeing ourselves and our husbands and wives, imagining the loss of our "better half". The solid knowledge we have that this is how life and love work and that we will all grow old and pass on. It's a tough reality to swallow.
I find my thoughts turning to wonder as I think of him in Heaven or something like it, I wonder if he will see my baby that I'm sure is up there somewhere. My son will have another wonderful man to care for him in Heaven with Keith Sr. until I get there and can once again hold him in my arms.
As I think of this, very suddenly the clouds part for just a moment and the sun shines in through my window...
Thank you for reading. I just had to talk to someone...
