I love my Mother- BUT...

[BowChickaBowMow]

I haven't read all the posts... but did read Hawke's and that was a great perspective to hear.. but want to add my own...

Not all pack rats (or hoarders) are holding onto memories.... (kids projects... photos.. etc.) alot of them are holding onto EVERYTIHNG.. and they can't seem to throw them out.

When DH and I first were married, we moved into his grandma's house... she was in a nursinghome and they didn't want to sell the house, but didn't want it to sit empty and have to pay bills on it. So we moved in, and paid the bills.

In order for us to move, it had to be cleaned out.

In the basement.. there were piles and piles and bags and bags of junk. His grandparents didn't cook... it was McDonald's or Banquet frozen dinners. So every box of every frozen dinner was down there.. and the trays too.... every McDonald's take out bag.. nicely folded. Thousands of cream and sugars (they always grabbed extra's to have at home.. just didn't know when enough was enough) Every newspaper stacked up high. It was dirty and dangerous. It took weeks to clean out, w/ lot's of help. At least 50 bags lined up along the front yard for the garbage truck EVERY week.

Sadly.... oh so sadly... DH's mother is the same exact way. Her house is the same. They moved into their retirement home only a few years ago.. and it took many months to move b/c of all her junk. She did get rid of all the garbage stuff prior to the move (b/c her husband would just throw stuff out when she was not looking) but her nice newly built home is getting stuffed to the max. The nice finished basement is completely full.. you can only walk around a teeny little trail to get around. (the basement is bigger than our house) The upstairs will be at that point soon. I don't look forward to the day we have to clean up that mess. It's not memories, it's an illness, and she refuses to get help with it.

 

[Mom 2em All]

I thought I would give you all the update-

When my mom came home, she saw one stupid cardboard tube type thing-a-ma-jig in the trash can and she said "Did you clean out my basement?"

Time it took for Moms basement to become overfull, and to the point it was at:
40 years

Time it took me to clean the basement:
3 full days at least 10 hours each day

Time it took her to discover it:
0.003 seconds- not even in the house from vacation yet

And soo, I told her I had..and we went downstairs. She was NOT happy, not at all. She didnt say much. She did say,"How do you know what was trash? Maybe it was important to me?"
(Hawke, you had valid points)
AND I assured her that I did NOT throw out anything that could have been even remotely a memory, or important. I showed her the box of receipts. I showed her my deceased stepfather memorabilia (which she snatched out of my hands-even though I found them buried under junk),
I showed her the toys, neatly in a giant box. I showed her the gazillion dishes- and she picked up a couple and said, "Well, this can be thrown out."

I told her that even things that looked like garbage and were ridiculous *mop with only a couple strands to it* I didnt dare get rid of- for fear that it held a purpose. (Turns out that mop did, perfect size for getting cobwebs out of the corner...also for blocking drain on one side of the double sink while plunging the other sink)

She didnt disown me- and I still get to have Thanksgiving dinner with her- however, she hasnt said much to me about it. When I was over there last week, she handed me a couple things of my own- that I recognized from the basement- and asked me if I wanted them. I also saw one of the books she is currently reading- happens to be one out of a giant box full in the basement, that I put together).

So, while it didn't really go over smoothly, it could have been a whole lot worse. And I feel better, knowing that I at least cleared out an area that she can fill back up again, and that there are less centipedes and creepy mold down there. Even if she never says "Thank you."

 

[DuckLady]

I am all choked up reading through this.

When my Mom died 6 years ago, we spent countless hours going thorugh her stuff. Boxes and boxes and rooms and filing cabinets. We had dumpsters, Salvation Army, Am-Vets all over picking stuff up.


We planted my husband in front of the shredder and shredded bills and cancelled checks, each cancelled check stapled to the bill it paid. From the fifties on to the present time. We saved a years worth just in case and the rest were shredded. We tossed old Christmas cards, old letters. The anger in me built up and in a way I have been angry with her ever since, even though I miss her terribly and cannot talk about her without tearing up.

We were exhausted from caring for her, travelling back and forth from our homes (my sister and I both lived out of state). I had just had major surgery and was no where near recovered.

Although I knew each item meant something to her, it still angered me that she kept so much stuff. We found letters to and from my dad. We found letter from my father's playmate of the week after they separated saying awful things to her, while my mom was desperately trying to save her marriage. When she went on a trip she made exactly 4 copies of each picture when she had the film developed. . And saved them all. Why???? Every gift anyone ever gave her was saved. She never wanted to hurt someone's feelings. The gift was out on a table or something when the giver visited.

We found a box of those old booze bottles from airplane trips wrapped in spanish language newspapers from Spain Where my parents met and married and where I was born) dated late 1950's. The booze was dried up and all there was was a stain in the bottom of the bottle though they were still sealed.

And it went on and on. More stuff, more trash, more to go through. It got to where we were so tired, I am sure we tossed stuff that we should have kept, but the numbness and the sheer amount of stuff overwhelmed us.

So reading through this, especially Hawke's beautiful post, I think I have finally let go of the anger. Each item we threw away or shredded or donated or even kept meant one memory to my mother. I am now thinking she had a rich life to have so many things mean so much to her. I just hope at the end my life, when my heirs are going through my things, that they have more tolerance than I had and will realize that a life lived well doesn't mean wealth or riches, but it is in the memories we save and cherish.

**edited to add....the op was right in getting rid of health hazards. I would have done the same thing**

 

[Tuffoldhen]

My mother was the same way...would not let any of her children go through her house to clean away all the packed draws, boxes, desks or closest full to the rim with things from her and my fathers life...he had passed away 25 years before she finally did...

You know what, I wish I had her back right at this moment because those "things" that we had to take care of after her passing or thinking that we have to take care of now don't mean a diddle after they are gone...

She lived in "her" house the way she wanted and I wish I had her back now with all her memories/junk ...

 

[speckledhen]

My father, 87, has spent two years getting his house ready for my sister and I to sell when he's gone, trashing all sorts of things in his packed basement so we wont have to, etc. My mother died in 1999 and he remarried 4 years later. His wife has purchased a home of her own this year near her work place and he moved into it with her. Ever since, he's been at loose ends. Then he lost his leg and the wife's house is much better for him to get around in than his own. As soon as he is walking with his new prosthetic leg well, he plans to have a giant yard sale at the old house in preparation for putting it on the market. Although I certainly dont relish going through all his stacks of memories and junk and business records when he's gone (yes, he has always been a pack rat), I rather wish he would spend the rest of his life living instead of looking ahead to death. We'll deal with the 'stuff' when the time comes.

 

[SpottedCrow]

My husband's Aunt Van who lived out in Las Vegas, was featured on the 70's show Real People with John Davidson and Sarah Purcell...as the home you could only walk through following a clear trail...everything was everywhere...back then, obviously, it was a novelty...now it's everywhere...

Terry, I hearya! I went through my mother's things, my grandmother's things and my Great grandmother's things, because NOONE wanted to go through them...we took bags and bags of stuff out of old clothes...Like we were ever gonna wear a 60's Vintage long coulottes set with bell bottoms or the dress that she wore to her cousin's wedding and MY wedding and my Sister's wedding...Most of it went buhbye! This was before I knew about FreeCycle, so I gave things to her church, Salvation Army, Big Brothers and Big Sisters, anyone who would take it...

My grandfather was trying to get us to clean the house out when my mother's body was still in the bath tub. He had the nerve to give us her false teeth "Because someone might need them" EWWW!!!!

I hearya too Hawke...My great grandmother was full of stories and great ones at that, but she wasn't a hoarder either...She did keep some of the things that her PenPal from Bulgaria sent her...I have a bunch of doilies and a lovely sign that I hang on my front door that says, "my house is clean enough to be healthy and dirty enough to be happy."

I'm also a Flybaby which has helped a Mastadon sized Corprolite load...if I haven't worn something in a year, out it goes...if my son's outgrown something out that goes...I Freecycle and give to BB/BS...

It's made cleaning up the house so much easier too. Especially since my DH just had his hip done...he can get around and not trip on stuff...