> A Gift for the Wife
>
> Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
>
> Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
> his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
>
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
> sparked my interest.
>
> The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
> something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
> 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.
>
> The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no
> long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
> to retreat to safety....??
>
> WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
> home.
>
> I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
> Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
> button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd
> get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the
> prongs.
>
> AWESOME!!!
>
> Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
> on the face of her microwave.
>
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
> it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
>
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
> (trusting little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking
> that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
> target.
>
> I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
> second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,
> if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
> against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
> advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank
> top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my
> nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another.
>
> The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
> your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
> and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would
> purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
> water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
> batteries.
>
> All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
> long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
> AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no
> possible way!'
>
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
> best...
>
> I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
> side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second
> burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
> decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
> touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...
>
> HOLY MOTHER OF GOD .. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT
> THE....!!!
>
> I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up
> in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
> over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
> fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
> on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
> my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!
>
> The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging
> to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an
> attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
> living room.
>
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
> note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you
> zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
> from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three
> second burst would be considered conservative!
>
> A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
> that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
> surveyed the landscape.
>
> My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
> recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
> originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
> twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
> bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
>
> Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for
> sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above
> my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my
> testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
>
> P.S... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift
> and now regularly threatens me with it!
>
> If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!
>
> ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS
>
> Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
>
> Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
> his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
>
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
> sparked my interest.
>
> The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
> something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
> 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.
>
> The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no
> long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
> to retreat to safety....??
>
> WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
> home.
>
> I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
> Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
> button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd
> get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the
> prongs.
>
> AWESOME!!!
>
> Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
> on the face of her microwave.
>
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
> it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
>
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
> (trusting little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking
> that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
> target.
>
> I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
> second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,
> if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
> against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
> advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank
> top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my
> nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another.
>
> The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
> your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
> and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would
> purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
> water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
> batteries.
>
> All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
> long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
> AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no
> possible way!'
>
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
> best...
>
> I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
> side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second
> burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
> decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
> touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...
>
> HOLY MOTHER OF GOD .. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT
> THE....!!!
>
> I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up
> in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
> over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
> fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
> on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
> my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!
>
> The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging
> to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an
> attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
> living room.
>
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
> note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you
> zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
> from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three
> second burst would be considered conservative!
>
> A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
> that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
> surveyed the landscape.
>
> My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
> recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
> originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
> twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
> bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
>
> Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for
> sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above
> my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my
> testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
>
> P.S... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift
> and now regularly threatens me with it!
>
> If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!
>
> ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS
