Tiny's story-Chapter one

[tinychicky]

i've decided to test my chicken story writing abilities. i'll post a new chapter every week (mostly as an incentive to type it up

) please share if you have any feedback or if there's anything i should add, change, or take away! here's the first chapter...
Chapter One- The Hatching

A heart; a tiny web of veins inside a wall of pure calcium. That’s how she started. And now, twenty-one days later, there was more. Dark and warm, wet and cramped was her room. She wanted out! A gentle whirring, one that had accompanied her since her ears had formed, was becoming increasingly irritating. Slowly, using her muscles, knowingly for the first time, she pushed, kicking out hard. Nothing gave. The tiny sharp point on her beak, her egg tooth, set to tap, tap, tapping on the membrane of the shell. A tear, a crack; tiny and subtle. The effort was too much. The chick gave in and slept. After a while (she could not have said how long, for it had no word) she was stronger. She shifted and pressed her small scaled feet to the shell again. Harder, harder she pushed. And her ever encasing wall faltered and broke.
Explosively she kicked and pushed and pulled herself out of the now shattered cell that had for so long, since the first spark of awareness appeared in her, kept her prisoner. White. The color surrounded her in only a larger prison. Exhausted she lay, wet and cold, and fell asleep again. She woke to the same whirring noise that had bothered her in the egg, along with the high-pitched and frightened cheeping of other chicks. And there was air. She had been too weary to notice before. But, oh, wonderful clear air! It was tainted only by slight wet and cold and by the endless loud noises! The noises, she realized, were coming from her own slightly parted beak. Her voice, enriched by new oxygen (that sweet, clean, beautiful oxygen) was loud and demanding.
Warmer, fluffier now she got up and walked. For the first time she propelled herself forward without any outside help and walked. Stumbling slightly, she joined the mob of young chickens that scampered and parted in waves around her. The multitude of color was nearly overwhelming. Chicks of every hue circled the large brown box. Brown? Brown? Brown! The other box had been white! What had happened? How did she get from the white box to the here? Had she been moved as she slept? The idea was too much for her small mind to ponder over and so she gave up and began to trail after a large black and white chick.
That’s when she became conscious of something. An entirely new sensation she’d taken no notice of previously. Something… She didn’t know. But when the cockerel she was following reached a large container of crumbs, she simply copied his example and ducked her head to snatch up the tidbits inside of it. She swallowed compulsively and waited for more because the tiny scraps were so good. Then, when she realized none was forthcoming, she dipped her beak in once again. And again, and again, and again until her crop bulged. So that was it. She’d been hungry!
The same happened with the clear liquid in a nearby large white and red bottle. The fluid was similar to the albumen she had drunk while in the shell, only thinner and clearer and colder. She immersed her beak in the water, as she’d heard it called, and tipped back her head to swallow. She didn’t pause until she’d downed as much as she could hold.
Later, she looked around for the large black and white male. After a while she spotted him resting in a heap of other chicks and went to join in. As she rested her head on her back and settled deeper into the soft, crunchy shavings that coated the floor, a great shudder shook the box, the only world she was yet aware of. The box quivered again, and that world tipped.

 

[tinychicky]

oh, btw, this is based on the chickens in my flock although not all of it is entirly true.

 

[Whispering Winds]

Did you change names to protect the innocent?

Just kidding, its very good! I could actually "feel" that chick hatching!

 

[tinychicky]

well, since i havn't mentioned any names yet....

 

[ChOOkens]

Marvellous!

Quote:
I love how you add depth to that last line, you capture that aspect that a chick, when born, only sees the world as the incubator.
The box tipped = the world tipped. I wish I could write like that and have those ideas!
Just a small suggestion, you could possibly space out your writing with more paragraphs because it looks like a big chunk and a bit unorganised. But that's just what I personally prefer.
Good work!

 

[tinychicky]

Quote:
okay, i'll do that

 

[tinychicky]

here's the next two chapters:
Chapter 2- The Tall Ones

The world tipped and swayed and waved as a ship on a stormy sea. The brown box was being lifted higher, higher, higher. Not dropping in altitude it was stabilized. Then the tall ones came. Huge and mighty, they towered over the cowering chicks. One of the enormous appendages of the creature reached down, down. Up went the big black and white chick, now not so large now, in comparison to the giants. And he disappeared.
More went. Two little grays, a few brown and tans, more black and some white. They all went away. And then she was being picked up. Higher than before, she was lifted to the beakless face of the being’s enormous presence.
She struggled and kicked and tore furiously at the rough skin supporting her, but to no avail. All she could do as she was lifted and examined was peep loudly. Then she was set down again in a different box with all the chicks who had gone before. Suddenly the box was covered, and the world went dark.

Chapter 3- The Naming

It seemed hours later when the bumping finally ceased and the box sat still. She had long since tired of fear and was now thoroughly resigned to her fate. Leaning against the large black and white chicks, a Silkie, he’d said his breed was, she sighed. A little gray pullet with a soft face glanced sideways at her. “I’m a Self Blue Belgian Bearded D’Uccle”, she chirruped, peering through her puffy gray muffs “What breed are you called?”
She hesitated for a moment, looking the friendly but talkative chick up and down. Such a long breed for such a small chick. She twisted her head to look over her shoulder at her own black and white mottled fuzz, then down at her feathered feet, and finally back at the blue-gray chick.
“You look a bit like I do” the chick prompted. It was true. She could just see her own muffs and beard in her peripheral vision, and she noticed, glancing down at the other chick’s feet, that they were feathered like her own.
“I suppose I’m a Black Mottled Belgian D’Uccle…” she trailed off, uncertainly, then: “but I’m so much smaller than you.”
“oh.” Said the other chick. “Well that could be your name then, I guess.”
“What? She asked, unsure. “What’s a name?”
“It’s what other chickens call you. Do you have a name already? It certainly would be confusing if you had two names…” she trailed off, deep in thought.
“What exactly did you think my name should be?” she asked, breaking the other chick out of her reverie.
“Oh, that’s easy. We’ll call you Tiny”
“Tiny.” She repeated. She quite liked the name. It seemed to roll right off of her tongue and out her beak. Tiny would be s good name.
Then, remembering the other chick who was staring at her, burgundy eyes skeptical, Tiny said “I would love to be called Tiny! What do other chickens call you?”
Relieved, the other chick replied “I’m called Wobblefoot”

 

[Chicken1"]

i love it !!!!! absoloutley brilliant

keep going and soon it will be the new adventures of barbera x x

 

[ChOOkens]

Please go on! I enjoy reading this.

And good work with spacing out your writing, it looks neater now.