Daughter broke up with boyfriend and I'm the one depressed!

[harv681]

My daughter recently broke up with her boyfriend of one year (they are both 24). We all embraced him as a member of the family, and he was welcomed to holiday dinners and vacations. The whole extended family was impressed by his wit, intelligence, and gentle nature. I saw how he adored my daughter, and she seemed crazy about him as well. I thought he was going to be "the one," but in the past month, my daughter hinted she was feeling overwhelmed and pressured for a committment she was not ready for. I advised her to speak with him and tell him how she felt, that perhaps they would both benefit from taking a few steps back. She broke it off entirely, and in speaking with her she feels she made the right decision. As a mother, I am of course supportive of her, but at the same time, I know he was devastated and my heart aches for him. I am so sad! Has anyone else experienced this?

 

[Spookwriter]

This thread brought me a smile when I really needed
one. Kinda hits home. Just backwards.

My wife, she wasn't my first girl friend. She's my best girl
and I like her a lot.

But way back in high school, I had me a real pretty little
girl friend. Little blond girl. Not much taller than a good smurf.
I liked her a bunch. Liked her three beautiful sisters. And I really
liked her parents. I mean I REALLY liked her parents.

This was one of those familys that had an impact on my life.

Jeannie and I ...we grew up, went our separate ways. Life happens.
As an adult, I've never seen her. Make it a point not to...avoid temptation
and all that.

I've talked to her one time on the telephone, when her father passed
away. (making sure my wife was in the room)

But my wife didn't say a word when I paid for Jeannie's fathers funeral.
I didn't attend the funeral. Knowing the funeral director, he bent the rules
a bit for me.

My dear wife has never once said a thing to me...I stop by and check on
"mom" now and then. If she needs a little something, I give her a little
something. If she needs me, all she has to do is call. To the best of my
knowledge, her daughter doesn't have my phone number.

But mom does.

So this thread made me smile...that girl had some parents.



..........................


This was something I had posted way back in the thread. Can I add
a little something to it? Sort of finish the story.

As some of you may know, I buried my wife last month. As sad, and
as hard as it was, this family was there for me. The mother and the
girls. And their husbands.

And we're somewhere between family and friends.

I call her Mom...wouldn't dare call her by her given name.

We've stayed in touch. I mean my whole life. No, I'm not
chasing a memory. Yes, I know where Jeannie's at. Always knew.
Always knew when she came home. And avoided that.

She's not the issue here.

Her family became my family a long time ago. Just the way it
is. Always been. My wife never complained, or tried to stop it.
She understood I loved them on a different level. Never said a
word when I went to see Mom.

Never said a word when I went to the cemetery to visit his grave.
Because he was my family.

Way down deep in my heart. Family

No we're not family like lets all go the family reunion.

We're family because we've chosen to be. I've been a part of
her family for a long time.

Me and Jeannie...not so much. A line I dare not cross. Didn't then
and I won't now. Smart enough to know better. We've always
known where each others at.

Sometimes family isn't about being married.


When my wife passed away, some of my first calls were to my
brothers. That sounds right? My brothers. Except two of my
brothers are colored. I didn't say that to be racist. Two of my
closest best friends happen to be colored guys. Close as brothers.
Viewed as brothers, loved as brothers.

We just call it family.


Spook...who loves his whole family. No matter how he got them.

 

[sourland]

Went through a similar situation with both my son and daughter. In both instances the other person broke up with my kids and the grieving affected both them and my wife and me. End result: daughter met another guy and is rapidly approaching her 20th anniversary, son met a sweet girl and they are rapidly approaching their 17th anniversary. Things work out, and the pain of loss will lessen.

 

[Spookwriter]

This thread brought me a smile when I really needed
one. Kinda hits home. Just backwards.

My wife, she wasn't my first girl friend. She's my best girl
and I like her a lot.

But way back in high school, I had me a real pretty little
girl friend. Little blond girl. Not much taller than a good smurf.
I liked her a bunch. Liked her three beautiful sisters. And I really
liked her parents. I mean I REALLY liked her parents.

This was one of those familys that had an impact on my life.

Jeannie and I ...we grew up, went our separate ways. Life happens.
As an adult, I've never seen her. Make it a point not to...avoid temptation
and all that.

I've talked to her one time on the telephone, when her father passed
away. (making sure my wife was in the room)

But my wife didn't say a word when I paid for Jeannie's fathers funeral.
I didn't attend the funeral. Knowing the funeral director, he bent the rules
a bit for me.

My dear wife has never once said a thing to me...I stop by and check on
"mom" now and then. If she needs a little something, I give her a little
something. If she needs me, all she has to do is call. To the best of my
knowledge, her daughter doesn't have my phone number.

But mom does.

So this thread made me smile...that girl had some parents.

 

[harv681]

I suppose I should just butt out. I feel like I lost a family member. I really thought he would be my son-in-law. *sigh* She's dated so many jerks, and I thought, "Finally! A nice guy!"

 

[dewey]

I would trust my child's decision on the split and proceed with only whatever my daughter was comfortable with.

 

[Mtn Laurel]

I've been there. It was a little different situation but the end result was that I felt like I'd lost a son and had no way to find any closure. I moped for weeks.

My daughter had been with a young marine for 3 years. We'd all been with him through training and one tour of Iraq. Letters, packages, emails, worry, etc. We were there with his parents the day he came home from Iraq and when he and my daughter finally embraced, my husband cried so hard he had to walk away. The young man ate dinner at our home at least 5 nights a week. He was with us for all holidays and had his own Christmas stocking. He was family. We fully expected them to marry.

About six months after returning from Iraq, I noticed him acting rather quiet, making excuses for where he was and why he was late. He and my daughter never went out anymore, they just hung out at the house. Having been divorced before, I saw what was coming but my daughter was clueless. I tried to question her - tried to alert her - but she was still blindsided. One day he didn't show up for dinner and the next morning he CALLED HER and broke up with her after 3 years. On the phone! My heart broke for her and my own heart broke.

It ended up being for the best as he was cheating on my daughter. The real blow was when my daughter found out that he'd cheated with her best friend. So, she lost her boyfriend and her best friend - or someone who said they were her best friend - all at the same time.

As mad as I am at him for the way he treated my daughter - as glad as I am that they didn't marry - I'd still love to put my arms around him and give him a hug. Then I think I'd clobber him!

 

[punk-a-doodle]

I have been with my husband for ten rich and incredibly rewarding years. We've challenged each other, grown and supported one another, and understand the other more than we sometimes understand ourselves. When we're apart, I sometimes catch myself grinning like an idiot just from thinking of him. My parents do not approve of my husband, and have actively tried to break us up in the past. They constantly pushed their number one and two choices of men at me up until those choices married other people. One was the son of a man holding what they viewed as prestige, whom I briefly dated in high school (number two was the same...except I didn't even know him). That relationship ended for a reason. Yet, those marvelous imaginary babies, prestigious dinner parties, and ideals of what a son-in-law should be danced around quite vividly in their heads. What didn't seem to be vividly dancing around was any concept of what I actually wanted myself.

If I had ended up unmarried, that would have been a far happier existence than being married to someone I did not love. The words, "I just want what is best for you" still make me break out in a cold sweat.

Getting attached to someone a child is dating is great...so long as that is recognized as a separate relationship. That is to say, your relationship with them...not the relationship your son/daughter has with them.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

When a parent becomes extremely attached to their child's boy/girlfriend, it puts a lot of pressure on the child. Dating is about learning to have and maintain a relationship, and also about finding out what you as an individual want and need in a partner. Being pressured by outside sources (parents, friends, etc.) never does anything good.

 

[bdcraw]

at463,

I can relate to all the feelings you've described. I felt the same way after my daughter's break-up. Funny how she, and I believe, he, seemed to handle it so much better. But they knew there were problems and I had NO issues with the relationship!. You're situation is sadder since her boyfriend seems to be taking it so hard. That would break my heart too. I tried to explain to my daughter that after 4 yrs it was not unlike losing a son. I knew he would be all right but I also knew I was going to miss him deeply and what I thought they had and the future grandchildren that I hoped they have one day. They certainly talked about all those things. My daughter and ex are a little older than yours but I do understand the feeling of grief. You're having to let go of so many things at once.

What I can tell you, as I've stated on this site before, is that it does get better. I thought it would take me years to stop feeling so sad, but since the break-up this past summer, I've managed to find my footing and feel happy again and look toward the future. It helps that my daughter is so happy and she assures me that her ex is too. I will always care about him and wish nothing but a lifetime of happiness for him. I will miss his family as well. I'm sure he and my daughter will both find someone special again when they are ready, as I know your daughter and her ex boyfriend will as well. They have youth on their side and this heartbreak will help them gain experience and fortitude in life.

It may help to propel your thoughts to some time in the future when both young people have moved on and dated and perhaps even found that person they want to spend their lives with. They will probably both have achieved a number of accomplishments in that time and you will be looking back on this difficult time with only a sigh and a smile and a personal understanding that unwanted changes in our lives do indeed lead to better things. Good luck and know this....You Are Not Going Mad!!