Daughter broke up with boyfriend and I'm the one depressed!

[Coffeeluvr]

Hi Angela,

I really feel for you. It sounds like you kind of adopted this kid. That's the level of attachment that occurs that no one can truly understand unless it happens to them. And there's nothing we can say to make it better.

What I can tell you is what I'm thankful I was able to do during the major drama phase of it (first 4 months):

1. When he texted me at the end of the first week, I made sure to not to judge him, or give advice on how to "fix" it. When he said he was going to miss us because he honestly loved us like family - I told him he always will be family.

2. I requested that he stay in contact with me/ us (I've never asked that of anyone in my life- and he knows that). He said he'd try.

3. When he called me (3 months post breakup, 3 weeks after he told my daughter he would contact her when he wanted to - she needed to stop) - I told him he can reach out to me at anytime.

4. I texted a brief happy birthday- got an immediate reply, but then left him alone.

So, I know that I've done what I can to keep the door open. And I've respected his need to move forward and let my daughter go (for now - I still hope).

His mom did the same for my daughter. My daughter assumed his parents were angry with her, but his mom made sure to tell her she loved her.

I saw him a few days after their senior ball (3 weeks post breakup). They went with different dates that night and my daughter was later told sad, awful stories about how drunk he got afterwards, and how he was loudly asking people how this could have happened. She was "his girl" and how could a new guy be doing this. Then he was all over his date (clueless girl from a different town he didn't really know). He went to my daughter's work the next morning to see if she was there. When she wasn't, he went back to his friend's house and got drunk all over again.

When I saw him at the gym a few days after that - he stood about 20 feet in front of me, looking above my head and appeared to be trying not to cry. He stood there for a good 30 seconds, then walked away.

I will always wonder if I should have walked over to him, but as a tough guy, I felt I should let him decide what he could handle. At the time, I hadn't heard about the post - ball fiasco yet.

So, all I can suggest, is to let him know that you're still there. And maybe see if your daughter can try to understand that your relationship with him is separate from hers.

Just try not to hide it too much or it may fester. Blog and write on here as much as you need to. It does help for some reason.

I visited my daughter at college last weekend. Irony is that she's extremely anxious/ exhausted/ missing the closeness of people who "really" know her. Still has Jr. Prom picture of her and her ex above her bed along with cheer pictures. And when she has come home the last few times, she immediately wears the pajamas he bought for her no matter what the temperature is. She always said he knew her completely and more than anybody else did.

I think she misses that...... How the tables have turned in a year........

I seriously wouldn't wish this on anybody.

Coffeeluvr

 

[connie1966]

So sad

 

[connie1966]

 

[Coffeeluvr]

Hi all-

My daughter's ex is back home from college. Probably only for a short time based on his tweets. Yesterday, I parked at the gym and about had a heart attack when I realized I was next to his car. Mine is new, so he isn't familiar with it. I haven't seen his parents there in over a year, so I assumed they cancelled their membership. I decided I was going to say hi if I saw him, but then we passed each other coming and going (far apart), so I didn't.

I saw him again today, we passed each other driving. Another adrenaline rush...

So, I'm very bummed that I didn't get to talk and catch up a little. But, it was really nice to see him back home again. It felt like my baby bird was back, but in a distant tree. I was also pleased that he didn't bring the new girlfriend home with him. Last time I actually saw him was 10 1/2 months ago (not that I'm counting ).

It's so weird- I have been really struggling with the depression, unable to maintain long term perspective and hope anymore. But, when I'm with my daughter, or when I saw her ex these last two days, I get that feeling of hope and optimism again. Maybe it's just realizing how much I still love both of them. I feel forgiveness.

And, somehow, I feel that if/ when he's ready to talk with her again, they will both feel it too.

I started with a new therapist whom I like a lot. She respects my instincts, and evaluates my feelings along with all the hormones that the brain releases when something severely emotional like this happens. I did start Zoloft on her recommendation. I can't tell if it helps, though, since my mood got jump-started by seeing my daughter's ex boyfriend.

I think their relationship was so much like a marriage, that my instincts to help them get started in their life together got triggered. Logically, they are too young, but the lesser evolved parts of my brain got busy. Once I accepted how serious they were, I inadvertently started seeing how things might unfold. He could see a future with her too, and could not understand why she said she didn't.

Honestly, I think she felt like she'd have to capitulate to whatever his plans were, and so she felt the need to aggressively declare her independence. I believe she is "keeping her mind open" (his request) by following him on Facebook and snapchat.

I really, really wish that I could talk with him and learn about his experiences and thoughts on college. We talked about it so much - -

I'd like to tell him that my daughter is now realizing to appreciate the simple things in life. But I wouldn't dare bring her name up unless he asked first.

I really am very, very thankful that I did see him at all while he was home. But I know that whenever a good thing like this happens - the emotional crash that follows will be truly awful.

I hope that if I do get a chance to say hi- he will be okay with it. My daughter always said he respected me a lot, and my husband thought I was his favorite parent...

Coffeeluvr

 

[connie1966]

Wow I would give anything to get a glimpse of him

I would probably breakdown crying if I saw him Especially being told he's is thinner now breaks my heart

 

[Coffeeluvr]

Hi Connie,

I do feel very blessed that I've gotten a few glimpses of him. I knew he was fine, but it feels good to see him.

Two days ago I saw him a 3rd time. He was on his motorcycle, so I couldn't see his face, but I know it was him. As he passed in front of me ( I was waiting to pull into traffic), he did a hard double take. So now he knows my new car.

I checked his Facebook- he and his girlfriend broke up this week. So that made me extremely happy. My fear was that he'd fallen in love again and would be spending the summer with her ( he had stated he wanted to live with my daughter - just for a little bit - a few years ago). Of course I was afraid that his new relationship was going to take him away permanently, and devalue what he had with my daughter.

My therapist thinks I should attempt to contact him since I miss him. Not to talk about my daughter at all, but to catch up with his life now and see if he wants to stay in touch.

I'd do it if I saw him in person, but I'm too chicken to text and feel weird about it. But, she thinks that as the adult - I should reach out.

I just don't think I can do that. Not unless it's a spur of the moment thing. Like if I pass him again on the road. Then maybe I could. But, I would hate to get an angry or negative response. I don't think my heart could take that.

So, I wait and I hope.

And I am very, very grateful for what I've gotten so far.

Coffeeluvr

 

[connie1966]

Wow it's so cool they broke up there's hope! Remember my x son in law blasted me when I contacted him? It really hurts! Remember there's that chance

 

[Sally66]

 

[Coffeeluvr]

So.....last night my husband informs me (as I'm falling asleep) that he has been texting my daughter's ex throughout the day. My husband reached out first. The ex said he misses us too and wants to catch up. They had guy banter back and forth throughout the day. Super cute...

He's working out of town right now- so we will meet on Sunday for lunch.

Insane coincidence, right?! Keep in mind, I rarely discuss this with my husband. He knows I have sad days, but I haven't mentioned the ex in 2 months.

It was such a great, amazing feeling to read the texts. I felt like the grinch with my heart now becoming 2 sizes too big.

And now I know he's going to be on the other side of the world this summer. I'll get the details at lunch.

My husband made my sure my daughter was ok with this. Which, of course, she was. She's still in school for a few more weeks.

Needless to say, my head spun all night and I barely slept. But, for once, in 14 months, it was for a positive reason. )

So, I hope this is the first step more in line with what I had expected. Yes, they are both very busy and exploring/ having adventures. I think if he will check in once in a while with updates, I'll be ok. It has driven me nuts this past year not to have known how and what he is doing, except via social media lurking.

I really hope this breaks the walls down a bit. I really think we will all feel better.

I married a truly great guy. Greatest Mothers' Day present ever!!

I feel very blessed,

Coffeeluvr

 

[connie1966]

Wow that's is so cool! What s coincidence for real I guess he missed him too! lrt me know how it goes !