Did I handle this wrong? :(

[UrbanMama]

I need to add some

I am so proud of you! Just a heads up...your sister is extremely intelligent. Use that to challenge her. In this situation, bribery is totally cool! Good luck

 

[Bex]

BayCityBabe, I believed that it was my "place" last night as I was being asked to give her *my* money, that my fiance and I do not have a lot of, but I was willing to give her some. I am not like my Mom.. I don't think she should be given money willy nilly no matter how she acts.. Since it was my money, I feel like it was okay for me to set limits on how she could get it and how she could loose it.

The reason I took the cell phone? My fiance's money helps pay the bill. He puts money into the household and it all goes out for bills - Our cells, my sister's cell, electricity, groceries, etc. Sure, my Mom pays a lot of it too, but my Mom had also suggested taking the phone away from her many times she just didn't have the guts to do it, IMO.

I have tried and tried to be her "friend" and sister. There are times after her and my Mom have faught that I sit her down and ask her "Why?" or the whole "How do you feel now? Better?" I have tried giving her advice on how to deal with the hard things that she may deal with when it comes to home or at school. Problem is she doesn't care to listen.. She can understand what I am saying one minute and say she's sorry and do better, and 5 minutes later she is having another tantrum because Mom hasn't fixed her food and brought it to her, or because Mom isn't saying something the way she wants it said. (Yes, she has tantrums over wanting to CONTROL what my Mom SAYS.)

I wasn't fighting with her. I stayed calm, I didn't yell, which is one of my Mom's problems. I kept repeating what I expected of her, and what the consequences would be if she didn't do those things. So she understood completely what was going to happen. She even said it was "Moms fault" that she didn't get the money. I tried explaining to her that only she is responsible for her actions - no one else is to blame that she farted around and didn't do what I asked her to do. (After all, what 12 year old do you have to argue with to get a shower???)

I think my Mom may be catching on a little.. At least for now. She swears that my sister is not getting the phone back for at least a week, except she'll get it on Friday when she goes to the dinner theater and then she is to give it back. Mom also says she's not allowed to go to friends.. We'll see how long that lasts.

I do know that last night as mom saw Sarah "breaking down" and doing what she was supposed to (she'd cry, then stomp her feet, and then do the Math Problem) my mom would look at me and grin.. Like "Wow."

I really want my mom to step up and be a Mom. I think deep down my sister wants that, too.

 

[purr]

I think your doing a great job.And I think you have a right to expect respect.You live there too
I can't imagine a 12 year old taking a tantrum.Try videotaping that and tell her your going to put it on U-tube.Don't though just tell her you are.
If I were you I would have this conversation with her
If you strike MY mother again.I'm taking everything you hold dear and destroying it.
She needs to remember that that woman she is abusing is your mother too and your not going to stand for it.
If it was me I'd just lay her out flat but that's probably not the right thing to do.
My grandson is 6 and he used to take tantrums in the store.I would laugh at him ask if he was
He doesn't do it anymore and he was 3 at the time.
She would not only not have a cell phone, she would not have anything.does she need a ride for that dance cause I wouldn't be driving her.
You have showed much more restraint than I would have.

 

[EliteTempleton]

You handled it very way, and I thank you for doing so!

 

[Bex]

Quote:
No, it's something for her Chorus class, though it is not required. It is something "extra" for them to do. My mom will have to take her dress to her after school, though, and pick her up afterwards. If it was me, I would get the $60 back and not allow her to go, but that is not up to me.

 

[BayCityBabe]

Sorry if I offended you. Not my intent. You have been put in a terrible position. I guess I didn't understand the cell phone thing, because I am a parent and I can address such matters straight on: "Hand over your phone.", "Go to your room", etc. I wouldn't disable my kid's car; I'd ask him for the keys...
I am sure, as many have noted, that this will be a huge learning experience for you and will only serve to make you a good parent when you choose to start a family.
Hang in there!

 

[Hangin Wit My Peeps]

You did perfect. Your a great person to try and help your sister like you do AND your mom. It's inexcusable behavior on her part and she should NOT be allowed to get away with any of the things you have said she does. The only way she is going to get anywhere in life and be able to survive on her own is for your mom to put her foot down with her. Otherwise she will be in BIG trouble as she gets older. Your doing a great job!

 

[cjeanean]

That's exactly what you needed to do!!! Mom has given up, and can't see past what this little manipulative brat is doing. My sister is the EXACT same way, she has been pregnant twice, once at 16 and once at 17, miscarried both times, is completely obssessed with her boyfriend to the point of bawling her eyes out for days at a time when she can't see him, and my mom lets it happen. If it was me I would have her locked up till she had a major attitude readjustment!!!! I love what you did, and only wish my mom had given up to the point of letting me do the same thing! Your sis needs to learn discipline and that she can't get away with everything. She HAS to, otherwise she's gonna be exactly like u were. She probably learned from some of what she saw u do (unless she wasn't old enough to see it, I know my sister saw me and decided to try the exact same thing), but the fact is we made stupid mistakes, and I know I'm lucky to be alive, and I don't want her to have to go through the same things. She doesn't know what she's setting herself up for yet, but we do know, cause we lived it. Someone's gotta smack some sense into her, and if Mom can't do it then you can. You're in a position to make a difference, so DO IT AND DON'T GIVE UP!!!!

Congratulations, and I commend you for caring!!!

Christina

ETA: I absolutely LOVE the idea of putting a vid on youtube!!! I would videotape it, then tell her what I'm gonna do. If she doesn't shape up I would do it but make it private, that way you can show her the cpu with the vid loading and playing although no one else can see it. Tell her you'll delete it when she shapes up. As far as the pics and stuff she was drawing I think she's doing it for attention. She obviously wasn't keeping it hidden, she did it in a way that you could see. I know when I was self mutilating I didn't want anyone to know, and no one would find out unless I wanted them to. I think she believes it'll scare you, and that's why she's doing it.

 

[ChooksChick]

Bravo.

If she doesn't find solid boundaries, she'll be insecure AND a household bully.

Put your foot down and don't move it. She'll come around.

 

[jnjross]

DH has always said it's in her name (my sis) well i think he going to "see, i told you so", all day