Help Please - Death and No Memorial - I'm Upset

[Chicky Tocks]

My father in law passed away Saturday morning peacefully in his sleep. It was a very quick death. My mother in law and he had purchased a cremation package several years ago and already, by Monday morning this has been done. There was no memorial, no photo with his obituary, no viewing, no proper goodbye! My husband just informed me that his ashes will be scattered this evening over the river that he loved to fish. I am sooo uncomfortable with all of this. The wind is whipping three different directions and I cannot fathom scattering his ashes into this crazy wind and I am not beyond admitting that I am squeamish. I envision a beautiful, sunny and maybe even a little breezy day. This to me seems like my mother in law doesn't want to bring the remains home. Maybe she doesn't? Who am I to have any input at all? My husband says that this is their wishes. I'm more inclined to think that it's my mother in laws addled mind making snap decisions. I can say that her third son, who lives in California, is here in town and I do believe that she wants to do this while he's here. I'm just so uncomfortable. Can someone help me to understand this lack of proper goodbye?

RIP Pop. You will be missed.

 

[redux]

That is what both of my parents wanted too. They did not want a big fuss, memorial services, etc. They both had their ashes scattered in Long Island Sound. You don't really have to understand it, just accept it.

 

[HorseFeatherz NV]

Sorry I have no words just big warm

 

[texasgal]

The ceremonies we perform after death are just that .. ceremonies.

It sounds like you loved him.
You're going to miss him dearly.

Remember what you love about him.


I'm so sorry ..

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

You might want to check state laws. Arizona and Oregon law require a certain amount of time before a body can be cremated--seems like it was close to a week with Arizona when my FIL passed away; seems like it was several days with Oregon (MIL was there for the summer when she passed away).

Why not call your MIL and suggest waiting for a less windy, gusty day (check the weather forecast and have a day in mind), and to have a small memorial service as you spread the ashes. Say that you'll be happy to arrange a small reception for afterwards. Nothing big or fancy--just a gathering to honor his memory among those who loved him. Your MIL may well be in a state where making decisions is difficult emotionally at this time--now is the time for your husband and his siblings to step up and help her--she will want something to look back on that brings up fond remembrances, not just a painful experience.

 

[mom'sfolly]

Just because there hasn't been a memorial, doesn't mean that there won't be one. Your late FIL and those closest to him chose what they wanted for him at the time of his passing. Let this go, even if it is hard. Everyone mourns in different ways, even if you don't agree with the way the family has chosen to handle this, don't doubt that they are mourning. Objecting to the funeral choices will only cause bitterness. Everyone's emotions are probably running high, and the last thing any of them, including your husband, needs is someone questioning how they say good-bye. Your FIL made this decision when he was living, and his family are honoring his wishes and memory by proceeding in the way he planned.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

 

[debilorrah]

It may be what he wanted, however, I wish people would think of those left behind before the express these kinds of desires. While I don't want people spending money on my funeral, I do want those left behind to do what ever it is they feel they need to do to say goodbye in a way that gives them closure.

 

[1stepcloser]

First of all, I am very sorry for your loss. It must have been a horrible shock.

Please try to remember ceremonies after people pass are for the survivors. I understand your father's wishes...I also understand your need for closure. May I make a suggestion? Go out to eat with friends and loved ones, have his favorite meal, go around the table and share a beautiful or funny memory about your father...and vow to meet again the same time next year. It is a beautiful and positive way to honor someone's life, keep their memory alive and balance the need to mourn with those who mourn differently.

 

[Cindiloohoo]

A very close loved one of mine had the same sort of cremation, unceremonious and quick and I never got to say goodbye. I thought of this man as a father figure and was extremely close to him and called him daddy. It hurt me so much, and yes I was very uncomfortable with the whole thing as well. By the time I got home from Louisiana it was over and I was left with a lot of confusion. I thought of all the good times we had had together and how this was so unfair that I had to grieve alone and did not have anything to remember him by. That following Christmas after he passed in November I got the idea to make my own memorial to him. I painted a "Trail of Painted Ponies" blank sculpture incorporating his initials and named it after his to horses that we often rode together. It sits on my bookshelf to this day and every time I see it I remember the last time we rode. The cinch strap on my saddle broke as we were crossing the creek and in I went in January in a freezing cold creek two miles from the end of the trail. Daddy laughed for 2 solid miles and I thought several times he was going to fall off his own horse. Every time I see that I smile. Daddy is still with me, and THAT is what is the most important. Memorialize him yourself and don't say goodbye completely..he's still in your heart and in a sense in your life as a sweet memory. It is so hard when there is no definitive end and no chance to have anything resembling closure. However, it is what you make it, and I didn't want the remembrance of my daddy to bring about any pain or negative emotions. Find a way to make this personal and positive, you won't regret it. I'm sorry this is hard for you, you are not alone in your feelings.

for your loss of someone so special to you.

 

[Sunny the Hippie Chick]

Im so sorry for your loss..

My grandpa didnt want all that stuff when he passed either.
All he wanted was a party to celebrate his life. No mourning. No depressing colors like black. It was a regulay pot luck dinner with all his friends and family. He requested that no one cry (that was hard) and that every one had to have fun and tell good stories about his life. And the times that you spent with him.. Then when his ashs were returned. He wanted what family could be there to scatter them at his favorite hunting spot in the woods.. Many people didnt want it that way. But it was his wish.