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This is why you need a mediator; someone who doesn't have the baggage attached of being the daughter and also their means of financial support. Someone who can help you each to see the situation through each others eyes, and can help you find common ground.
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Family counciling or mediation is definitely in order.
You, the parents, set the overall bounds for your kids. In their own space, grandparents can slightly alter some of the rules that pertain to their space. For example, the grands might allow the kids to make a mess without...