Twisted Phrases
- Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
- The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it is still on my list.
- Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
- We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
- War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
- I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
- In filling out an application, where it says ,’In case of Emergency, Notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR’.
- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
- You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
- I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
- To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
- Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in the garage makes you a car.
- You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
- I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
- I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
- Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
- I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
- Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
- Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
- Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
And I was gonna say, “That’s bad if you get burned again, cause you’ve only got one butthole!”
