Any other childless chicken moms out there?

[jamiebartlett]

Hiya! I thought I would chime in here - in the wee hours of the morning waiting fr the kids to wake up!

it's the only sane hour I have!

I chose to not have kids biologically because I know I don't have the paitence for it! I come from parents who couldnt stop saying "oops". You get the picture right? I had 3 different moms growing up, and a Dad who I absolutely LOVE, but know he shouldn't have been a Dad. His cars, life, and at times drugs and alcohol were far more important. So all of this has had an impact on me. I spent YEARS taking care of him, taking care of other people - now I just want to do what I want to do. My parents still ask "when are you and Harvey going to have kdis". I just shrug, maybe someday. Frankly, if never I think i'd be happy - but I still get the occasional twinge when I'm out ad about and see a mother with her baby. Then, I think about all those babies that die or end up with brain damange from shaken baby syndrome and know - most of those parents, didn't think they'd ever do something like that. Having kids is a big decision to make - for some it's second nature, and for some it's a challenge each step of the way.

Doctor Goose, I do foster care, when you apply and get approved, a case manager will make note of what type of kid you would be interested in. Example: We only take level one kids, and those older than 6 years old and no history of emotional disorders , with the exception of emotional issues that come from being in foster care. In the 3 years we have had 8 kids, and my animals are still fine! The kid you were describing is a level 3, and usually end up in group homes or therapuetic foster homes where the foster parents are actually PAID as if it was their job, instead of a ::cough:: measley stipend. If you have more questoins - send me an email or message, i'd be happyt o answer them!

Before anyone wonders, if I don't want kids - why do I want to do foster care? There are more foster kids than there are foster homes, I have set up a certain amount of time i'm willing to do this, by the age of 40, I plan to be done. I felt called to help these kdis make it through tough times before they are reunited with their families or unfortunately adopted. Why have kids, if there are plenty that need temporary homes..

OK, im off my soap box!!

 

[speckledhen]

There is an old book called "The Baby Trap" by Ellen Peck. I lost my copy somewhere along the line, but it addresses alot of things. And selfish is a ridiculous word to use to strongarm others into having children. Implies they are lacking character just because they know their limits. Baloney. Motherhood isn't an old Disney movie. It's hard and gutwrenching and heartbreaking and although I did get mild satisfaction seeing my sons do well in alot of areas, especially when they were small, I could have lived without that. Not because of monetary gain or "gee, I coulda had alot more without kids!", but the emotionally gutwrenching parts are still painful memories I'd rather not have. So, people need to quit talking about all the ethereal mysteries of motherhood and just get real. My sons graduated college and have been out in the world for years, one I'm proud of, one I used to be proud of, but now have no idea who that alien is. Unconditional love? Yes, I love them both and they know it, but I dont especially like them from time to time nor always condone what they do. So, do not have children just to get the pressure off. They may not take care of you when you're old, in fact, I wouldn't for one minute expect them to nor can I see them being able to do that. Stick to your guns and do what's right for YOU. Period.

 

[Buff Hooligans]

Thank you for beginning this thread. Sometimes us kid-free people feel like freaks for bucking tradition.

I am 46, happily married and childfree by choice with no regrets. I've known since I was a teen that I didn't want to reproduce. I had a nice childhood and family, no traumas, etc. My mom always said it's different when kids are your own, like that other poster mentioned. But if you aren't interested in giant St. Bernard dogs, for instance, why go out and get four of them?

It's not like I have a big career or high-flying lifestyle. I have a little home, two boring jobs and chickens. I would rather take care of and love people and animals already on this earth than to make a "mini-me". Call it selfish, but I call it "right for me".

 

[Buff Hooligans]

PS: Speckled Hen, you sure are a font of wisdom in many ways for this Forum. Your comments on this thread help me.

 

[newchickowner]

This is very interesting reading. I have both in my family. My mother is the second child of four and the only one who had children, myself and my sister. My aunt, my mom's older sister (whom I spent tons of time with as a child and ended up living with her for a couple of years when I turned 18) never had children and we've discussed this subject plenty over the years. She would always say that she never wanted kids, she liked them once they could eat, potty, and wash all by theirselves. But she really enjoyed children after that because "they can do fun stuff with you". She has been a leader of a huge 4-H club for 20 years now. Yes, she has the ability to be a great mother, running a huge horse farm with dogs, cats, chickens etc. Spending hours a day just taking care of her pets (they are her children).

My mother on the other hand just couldn't wait for my sister and I to marry and give her grandchildren. She got her wish in 2000, though not the fairy tale she was hoping for. My sister got involved with a worthless you know what and SURPRISE! got pregnant. My sister is one of those people that if God had stricken her barren He would have done the world a favor - not to blame the child here in any way, they are innocent vicitims of circumstance. Well, to condense the story, my mother and father desperately tried to help her and her hubby (that she did marry- unfortunately) but after giving birth to two girls, her "UPSTANDING" hubby abandoned her and her girls when the youngest was just two months old. Without bad-mouthing my sister too much here, things when to the crapper even worse after that. Put it this way, my parents and I desperately tried to help her in any and all ways we could without getting the authorities involved. But my mother took life insurance policies out for the girls for fear of needing them. Well, the authorities did get involved and I am now the adopted mother of her girls. My sister managed to "get back together" for a fling with the father of the girls in 2004, and SURPRISE!!! Pregnant again!!!! I'm now in the process of adopting my boy who's 2yrs. old. All in all my sister has been pregnant 5 times, birthed 3, aborted 2 (which is against my beliefs in her case- but that's a whole other threaded discussion I ain't starting!!!

) In short, I don't know if she ever wanted kids, but I (and my family) sure wish she'd have used her stinking brain before bringing children into this world (several times mind you) without considering them in any way. If you ask me, she was incredibly selfish!!!!

My personal decision has changed, granted I've always wanted at least 1 child of my own. But when I took the girls in 5 years ago, they were so animalistic and I (and the kids) went through such a tramatic experience that I decided that there was no way on God's green earth I was going to have kids. But in a years time, and with tons of patients, they finally because two beautiful little girls. I never went to public with them because of the way they behaved, but the first time we went out to eat I got a compliment on how well behaved my children were and I just beemed!!! I never get tired of hearing that. Raising the baby boy however has been a complete joy. I got him straight from the hospital at 1 day old. No issues what so ever!

Now I'm with my BF that was my best friend for 17 years (so he knows my sister and has known the kids since birth). We want a child, but there's no way we'd bring another child into our "situation" right now because it's a huge financial burden that we are just keeping our heads above water! I'm waiting on my boy's adoption to finalize before I go to school (because of all the court dates and all I have to go to) Until I get a degree and start making real money, I'm not having a child. That wouldn't be fair to anyone here.

Sorry my thread is so long - I've been through a lot these past several years, so my opinion is strong. I really admire those who decide not to have children because they feel they wouldn't be fair to the children they may bring into this world. I wish my sister had thought that way. I have sacrificed so much, my life, for these children. I feel bad when I think this, but I wish often that she would have been a good mother, I would still be a great Aunt, and I would have my degree, and a happy family of my own by now. Those thought are quickly put to ease though when my children hug me, tell me they love me, and the girls tell me they are happy they live with me cause they are safe now. This is my family now, conventional or not - who cares. I'm ok if I never have one, but if I do get the chance in the future, I will.

Ok, I'll stop rambling now.

 

[speckledhen]

PS: Speckled Hen, you sure are a font of wisdom in many ways for this Forum. Your comments on this thread help me.

I don't know that it's wisdom on my part. I just know what pressure I got as a teenager without even a dang boyfriend ,much less a husband, about this subject. My mother didnt understand me at all (she adopted me at age 38 after miscarriages) I know that I would not want to be the child of someone who was ambivalent about having me. Would you? Some are cut out for the part and some are not. I don't know that I was-you'd have to ask my older son. The younger one must have been living in a different household than I was because he hasn't made any sense of his life, past or present. See, that's the risk you take? That you can do just about everything right/ by the book and have it turn out badly in some way. It's a HUGE weight, being responsible for the life of another human being, but people pop out those babies with no thought whatsoever. In this world, the way it's become, that is an utter tragedy. And it isn't enough that every baby is wanted, the parents should know WHY they want it. After the baby's here, it's too late to realize you really didn't want this at all.
newchickowner, bless you for being there for your sister's kids. You should be commended.​

 

[newchickowner]

thank you so much! I totally agree with you. I don't know where my sister was when we were being raised, great parents, great childhood, but she hasn't made the least bit of effort to make her life worth anything in my opinion. Why would people bring children into this world like that? Poor babies!

My mother blames herself of course, thinking she went wrong somewhere. I've spent many hours telling her that she cannot control the decisions my sister has made, is making, and nothing she did or didn't do in parenting could have changed things in any way. She's slowly letting go of that, but I don't think she'll ever totally accept that reason.

It does seem like raising children is a gamble, you just never know. And HURRAY for those to give it some thought before proceeding!!!!!

 

[Agilityscots]

Quote:
YES! You've got that right...sometimes it is a little lonely.

I remember years ago, when I was working at the library and was in my mid-twenties (I'm 32 now), an older co-worker asked, "Do you mind if I ask why you don't want to have kids? I have a son and daughter-in-law who don't want kids so I'm curious." No one had ever been so forward before, and I decided to answer honestly. I told her that I was abused as a child and that I didn't want to replicate that. Her answer: "Are you sure you were abused?"

Thanks to Elaine, I no longer answer that question honestly. I tell people that I just don't want them, period.

Amy

 

[Agilityscots]

Quote:
I second that, Buff. We love SpeckledHen!

Amy

 

[MoonGoddess]

I have four kids, and I can tell you that motherhood is a double edged sword. Don't get me wrong I LOVE my kids more than toast, but my life has been infinitely more complicated because of being a mom. It's a constant uphill struggle and a constant drain on every resource I have, money, time, patience etc. Motherhood is NOT for everyone, and no one should EVER feel pressured to have kids if they have more doubts than desire to do so, because in my opinion that would just make it exponentially harder to cope. I basically have no life beyond my children. And though I know it won't ALWAYS be like this, I know I won't ever be 30-something again and by the time my youngest is 18, I will be *gulp* almost 50 years old. That means I will have spent 33 years of my life doing almost nothing but raising kids. As much as I love my babies and I would never want to NOT have them, -at times- that can seem a bit like a jail sentence...