Blending families.....how do you do it?

[Hoosiermomma]

I am hoping that there are at least a handful of you on here who can offer some advice on this topic. I am recently divorced and my 5 kids and I have moved in with my boyfriend and his two. The kids get along infamously almost like they have known each other for years . So far the transition has gone very smoothly but there have been some instances that have come up where I find myself wondering how on earth we are going to pull this off. The "why do we have to do this when they don't" comment, has been tossed around plenty already. We are planning on coming up with a list of 'house rules' and a chore list that will apply to everyone. I would love to hear other suggestions, ideas etc on how you have made your blended family work.

 

[The Chicken People]

One set of rules for every one to follow! We blended our family when my child was two and his were older! But in the end life is worth it! Good Luck!

 

[Cindiloohoo]

Truth is it doesn't work the same as a family that is born/raised together. There will be glitches everywhere you turn, you just have to be prepared for them and take them as they come. My step daughters do not think I treat them fairly, and that I treat my niece better than them. I have no bio children. I help raise my bio niece who is here most weekends. Truth is the niece is 6 and her punishments WILL BE less severe than for a 13 year old, but it is my steps perception of the difference that they see, and there is no convincing them otherwise. 6 year old WILL have less chores, less this, more attention, more hugs and sitting in my lap...etc. etc. etc. because she is 6, and DD doesn't remember being treated the EXACT SAME WAY when she was 6!! She gets in more trouble now...well because she's a 13 year old hormonal smart mouth that has to be called down sometimes

My niece will be the same at 13, God help me, and she'll get into trouble and called down more as well. The point is, you'll always have that between the kids. They are not little adults, and they just will not get it anytime soon. Maybe when they are grown. DD18 is now moved out, and she kind of is starting to get it. But, I am continually having this issue, and my niece doesn't even LIVE HERE. It's a good idea to take steps to prevent the majority of it, such as house rules and things, but there is always going to be sibling rivalry, and ANY foothold they think they may be able to get...they're going to take it and use it. It's going to be a long ride, better buckle up

 

[sheila3935]

Quote:
I agree. Our blended family started when my oldest was 17 and his youngest was 9. we made sure that they were all treated the same. Did have for awhile hubby wanting to do a double standard thing. I have 2 girls he has 1 girl and 2 boys. He would let the boys do way more than the girls and expect the girls to do more houshold chores than the boys. I nipped that in the bud real fast. All of oue kids get along very well. They refer to each other as brothers and sisters. although my two are closer and his three are closer but thats to be expected. Mine range in ages 29,24,23,22,20 My daughter Andrea is 24 her BD is march16 and his daughter Sandy is 23 her BD is Nov 19 so it was almost like having twins.

 

[Hoosiermomma]

Thanks for the input! I really appreciate it! My kids are 19(dd), 18(ds), 14( ds), 10(dd), 4(dd) and his are 10(ds) and 7(ds). My bf and I have known each other most of our lives and have gone through divorces at the same time. I know and expect rough patches but understand fully that the good times will far outweigh the tough ones. I jokingly say we are the Brady Bunch plus one and often watch the movie, 'Yours, Mine, Ours' to get a laugh!.

 

[farmerlor]

It's probably not as important with your almost adult children but try to get some one on one time with each of the younger kids. If bio parents are still in the picture we never, never bad-mouth them. Try to have family dinners together and do some group things once in awhile. I know it's hard, we have a really ,really big family too but those little trips together create lasting memories.

 

[redhen]

I think that the MOST important thing is that you have a supportive spouse..
I see on here soooo often when step parents come on here and say how they are having problems with the step children etc..etc....and that their DH is siding with the kid! (And other nonesense like that..)
UGh.... that will never work! The problems will never go away if that happens..
Kids are SMART.. and they know a split household when they are living in it...
You and hubby have to back each other up 100%.. all the time...
Best wishes!

 

[lacasitarojafarm]

Quote:
AMEN Hallelujua and all that! x2

The children will pit you against your husband. My husband has a child from a previous relationship. People can never tell that she is not mine. There is one set of rules for her and for my children with my husband. Same consequences and same rules...the only difference is because of age. If he supports you and looks to you and you to him then you present a united front. I wish you the best.

 

[arabianequine]

Quote:
True and going through it now. I have never cared and they won't come around cause of me and my son. I guess it was so terrible they would just throw their dad away not worth seeing or talking to him anymore cause I am here. It is really hard and if I could do it over I would honestly not worth this. Step parents should not punish the other parents kids make the kids bio parent do the punishing. I am hated now cause all I did, it is not appreciated whatsoever.....especially when they can run back and forth to other parents houses and live where they like it best till they don't and come back....if I could do that over again I would to. One move thats it.

All I can say is good luck, your gonna need it! I don't envy you now....my time was like 15 years ago and I am glad its over it has been pure you know what and still going on. The youngest is still here and my son. Sorry to be so negative but thats how I have had it and see it.

 

[debilorrah]

Our blended family started with the youngest 17 and the oldest 19. So we didn't have to deal with the "life" issues that little ones bring. However, the ONE key is for you and your SO to AGREE on how things are to be handled. When it comes to house work, or leaving a mess, I am the one to speak up. When it comes to more intimate or critical issues, I parent mine and he parents his. When issues with the yard and chores come up, Ken handles it. Minor issues, I handle the girls he handles the boys. Major ones, we handle our own kids.