Christmas funnies

[chicken_boy_Kurt]

Anyone got anymore?

 

[chicken_boy_Kurt]

No?

 

[setter4]

Most everything I have relates to dogs....
,_._,___
12 Days of Puppy Christmas...

On the first day of Christmas my puppy gave to me The Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the second day of Christmas my puppy gave to me Two leaking bubble lights And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the third day of Christmas my puppy gave to me Three punctured ornaments Two leaking bubble lights And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the fourth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me Four broken window candles Three punctured ornaments Two leaking bubble lights And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the fifth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me Five chewed-up stockings Four broken window candles Three punctured ornaments Two leaking bubble lights And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the sixth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me Six yards of soggy ribbon Five chewed-up stockings Four broken window candles Three punctured ornaments Two leaking bubble lights And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the seventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me Seven scraps of wrapping paper Six yards of soggy ribbon Five chewed-up stockings Four broken window candles Three punctured ornaments Two leaking bubble lights And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the eighth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me Eight tiny reindeer fragments Seven scraps of wrapping paper Six yards of soggy ribbon Five chewed-up stockings Four broken window candles Three punctured ornaments Two leaking bubble lights And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the ninth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me My wreath in nine pieces Eight tiny reindeer fragments Seven scraps of wrapping paper Six yards of soggy ribbon Five chewed-up stockings Four broken window candles Three punctured ornaments Two leaking bubble lights And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the tenth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed My wreath in nine pieces Eight tiny reindeer fragments Seven scraps of wrapping paper Six yards of soggy ribbon Five chewed-up stockings Four broken window candles Three punctured ornaments Two leaking bubble lights And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me Eleven unwrapped presents Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed My wreath in nine pieces Eight tiny reindeer fragments Seven scraps of wrapping paper Six yards of soggy ribbon Five chewed-up stockings Four broken window candles Three punctured ornaments Two leaking bubble lights And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me A dozen puppy kisses....
And I forgot all about the other eleven days.

 

[setter4]

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.


2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. it's rare. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:


"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Have a Very Merry Christmas

 

[setter4]

One last one and i promise to quit...for now. lol

>
>
> >HOW TO WRAP PRESENTS WITH DOGS IN THE HOUSE
>

>
>1. Gather presents, boxes, paper, etc. in middle of living room floor.
>
>2. Get tape back from puppy.
>
> 3. Remove scissors from older dog's mouth.
>
>4. Open box.
>
>5. Take puppy out of box.
>
>6. Remove tape from older dog's mouth.
>
>7. Take scissors away from puppy.
>
>8. Put present in box.
>
>9. Remove present from puppy's mouth.
>
> 10. Put back in box after removing puppy from box.
>
>11. Take scissors from older dog & sit on them

>12. Remove puppy from box & put on lid.
>
> 13. Take tape away from older dog
>
>14. Unroll paper.
>
>15. Take puppy OFF box.
>
>16. Cut paper being careful not to cut puppy's foot or nose that
>is getting in the way as it "helps".
>
>17. Let puppy tear remaining paper.
>
>18. Take puppy off box.
>
>19. Wrap paper around box.

>20. Remove puppy from box & take wrapping paper from its mouth.
>
>21. Tell older dog to fetch the tape so he will stop stealing it.
>
>22. Take scissors away from puppy.

>23. Take tape older dog is holding.
>
>24. Quickly tape one spot before taking scissors from older dog &
sitting on them again.
>
>25. Fend off puppy trying to steal tape & tape another spot.
>
>26. Take bow from older dog.
>
> 27. Go get roll of wrapping paper puppy ran off with.
>
>28. Take scissors from older dog who took them when you got up.
>
>29. Give pen to older dog to hold so he stops licking your face.
>
>30. Remove puppy from present & hurriedly slap tape on to hold the paper on.
>
>31. Take now soggy bow from puppy & tape on since the sticky stuff no longer sticks.
>
>32. Take pen from older dog, address tag & affix while puppy tries
to eat pen.
>
>33. Grab present before puppy opens it & put it away.
>
>34. Clean up mess puppy & older dog made playing tug-of-war with remnants of wrapping paper.
>
>35. Put away rest of wrapping supplies & tell dogs what good
>helpers they are.


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[chicken_boy_Kurt]

lol Thanks for sharing.

 

[chicken_boy_Kurt]

Come on people.