Critique a synopsis, please?

[Ec_Prokta]

I'm writing a novel that I hope to publish soon, and I recently came up with my synopsis. I was wondering if it sounded good, or if you all would read a book that told you this:

An object at motion stays in motion unless acted upon by an outside force. One could say the same thing about a loop, or a cycle, of history containing the same horrific events repeated endlessly. The only way to stop a loop fueled by endless, senseless destruction and death is to use an outside force to stop it. One girl impacted the most by these constant loops keeps asking herself the most important question: Who or what is the outside force?

What do you think? Is it too vague? Comments and thoughts are very appreciated.​

 

[bluesub]

I think you should include something specific about the novel, so I am drawn in. Also you should mention the girl's name. For example, "Emily keeps asking herself: What is the outside force, and why am I stuck in this cycle?"

 

[zzGypsy]

here's my approach to this sort of "has to grab you fast" marketing blurb...
go to your bookshelf and pull off the last 4 or 5 books you bought in your book's genre - read the blurb on the back of the jackets. re-write their blurbs, but making them fit your book... this will give you a feeling for the dynamic flow that's working for selling books like yours.

it's not bad, and I understand the principle that you're going after, however.... it's not grabbing me yet... maybe a bit more grab at the front of the paragraph.

do post again if you rework this... I want to read what you come up with.

 

[eenie114]

I do think that it's too vague. I could not figure out for the life of me what it's about, no offense.

Maybe being more specific would be a good idea. Good luck!

 

[fuzziebutt]

Quote:
Made me think of Groundhog Day.

 

[eenie114]

Quote:
Made me think of Groundhog Day.

*Rereads* You're right.... Except for the "outside force". The guy in Groundhog Day just randomly woke up with things back to normal, with no explanation.

 

[fuzziebutt]

There was an explaination - he treated people better, so he didn't have to redo the day again!

 

[Ec_Prokta]

Thanks for the tips, everyone! I went and changed a few things.

An object at motion stays in motion unless acted upon by an outside force. One could say the same thing about a loop, or a cycle, of history containing the same horrific events repeated endlessly. Claos Dissislava seems to never learn from her constant stream of cycles, always delighting in them and their senseless destruction. Altantsetseg Dissislava, Claos' sister and the one most impacted by the relentless loops, asks herself the most important question: Who or what is the outside force, and how can I obtain it?​

 

[fuzziebutt]

 

[zzGypsy]

Quote:

better.
a couple more thoughts...
we don't need the sister's last name, just to know that she's a sister.
"asks herself" seems awkward and sort of remote. "one could say" has that somewhat remote sense to it, as if you are speaking of some theoretical point of view, separate from personal experience. "containing" is a similar feel, formal.
"obtain" seems a bit formal or clinical, not the sort of thing a person thinks, or at least I don't. I don't think "how can I obtain that", I think "how can I get one of those" or "I want to have one" or "I need that".
overall, it still feels a little formal and strictly structured to me.
I changed "repeated" to "repeating", the -ed form puts all occurances in the past, the -ing form extends them from the past into an ongoing future cycle.

I sometimes use commas where they're not technically needed to create a thinking pause in the reader, to create a moment of contemplation. I removed two commas in the second sentence, but if you're trying for that thinking pause, I'd put them back. I added a comma after "events" for that reason.

here's a turn on your script, with the changes in bold, see what you think. I'm trying for a more interior voice, less formal, more personal.

An object in motion stays in motion unless acted upon by an outside force. The same is true for a loop or a cycle of history with the same horrific events, repeating endlessly. Claos Dissislava seems to never learn from her constant stream of cycles, always delighting in them and their senseless destruction. Altantsetseg, Claos' sister and the one most impacted by the relentless loops, is searching for answers: Who or what is causing this, and how can I control it?

anyway, just my thoughts on the subject.
my hat's off to you for having something written that is ready for a synopsis.

Edited to add one more observation. and because I can't type.​