Daughter broke up with boyfriend and I'm the one depressed!

[Coffeeluvr]

Well, so much for my faith in the therapist... She doesn't understand where I'm coming from and doesn't see the point in continuing to seeing me.

I guess that's why we all find this blog. As Connie1966 has repetitively stated -- no one can get it until it happens to them.

Such a disappointment.

Thanks again to all of you who have been involved in this 'group therapy.' It truly has been a lifesaver.

Warmest thoughts to all of you.

 

[catsndogs]

I'm so sorry! Would you consider looking for a new therapist?

 

[connie1966]

I think they can understabd us nissing them but not the extrene loss we feel, so many women are not capable of that type of selflesss love toward their own kids imagine a strangers kid , we just are a special breed of moms who give to much who love to much

 

[Spookwriter]

This thread brought me a smile when I really needed
one. Kinda hits home. Just backwards.

My wife, she wasn't my first girl friend. She's my best girl
and I like her a lot.

But way back in high school, I had me a real pretty little
girl friend. Little blond girl. Not much taller than a good smurf.
I liked her a bunch. Liked her three beautiful sisters. And I really
liked her parents. I mean I REALLY liked her parents.

This was one of those familys that had an impact on my life.

Jeannie and I ...we grew up, went our separate ways. Life happens.
As an adult, I've never seen her. Make it a point not to...avoid temptation
and all that.

I've talked to her one time on the telephone, when her father passed
away. (making sure my wife was in the room)

But my wife didn't say a word when I paid for Jeannie's fathers funeral.
I didn't attend the funeral. Knowing the funeral director, he bent the rules
a bit for me.

My dear wife has never once said a thing to me...I stop by and check on
"mom" now and then. If she needs a little something, I give her a little
something. If she needs me, all she has to do is call. To the best of my
knowledge, her daughter doesn't have my phone number.

But mom does.

So this thread made me smile...that girl had some parents.



..........................


This was something I had posted way back in the thread. Can I add
a little something to it? Sort of finish the story.

As some of you may know, I buried my wife last month. As sad, and
as hard as it was, this family was there for me. The mother and the
girls. And their husbands.

And we're somewhere between family and friends.

I call her Mom...wouldn't dare call her by her given name.

We've stayed in touch. I mean my whole life. No, I'm not
chasing a memory. Yes, I know where Jeannie's at. Always knew.
Always knew when she came home. And avoided that.

She's not the issue here.

Her family became my family a long time ago. Just the way it
is. Always been. My wife never complained, or tried to stop it.
She understood I loved them on a different level. Never said a
word when I went to see Mom.

Never said a word when I went to the cemetery to visit his grave.
Because he was my family.

Way down deep in my heart. Family

No we're not family like lets all go the family reunion.

We're family because we've chosen to be. I've been a part of
her family for a long time.

Me and Jeannie...not so much. A line I dare not cross. Didn't then
and I won't now. Smart enough to know better. We've always
known where each others at.

Sometimes family isn't about being married.


When my wife passed away, some of my first calls were to my
brothers. That sounds right? My brothers. Except two of my
brothers are colored. I didn't say that to be racist. Two of my
closest best friends happen to be colored guys. Close as brothers.
Viewed as brothers, loved as brothers.

We just call it family.


Spook...who loves his whole family. No matter how he got them.

 

[connie1966]

Awww i love this ! So sweet ! Family is not always blood it's people that love you and want you in their lives

 

[Coffeeluvr]

Hello all,

I am considering a new therapist....but it's a bummer. She was honest, but the gist is that she just doesn't get it.

I know everyone says time helps. For me, the painfully sharp edges are just no longer daily occurrences. The multitude of triggers (grocery store, making dinner, etc) are less acutely painful. I no longer burst into tears at these times -- my heart tightens but doesn't feel shattered like it did for so long. But, my daughter came home this past weekend for a visit, and I spiraled downward yet again. We got along well and it is great to see her taking control of her life. However, we all went to see a movie, which is still a huge trigger for me. Even though the movie was really funny, I fought tears back the whole time. Anytime our whole family is together, i always feel his ghost. It still just feels very wrong that her ex isn't there. It's like my daughter is missing her arm.

And then I make myself more nuts by envisioning what he might be doing (at that very moment) with his new girlfriend. Which is perfectly ridiculous and pointless. So then I get mad at myself.

The thing that seems to break the spiral down is just a huge crying fit. It's awful...

In my hours of researching this type of grieving, I came across something that felt true to me. The psychologist stated that when teenagers have an intense relationship for several years, they become a part of each other. At that age, they're growing up together. It was proposed that is why real high school loves seem to be so important to so many.

So, I decided that since I was already in my really dark place, I would just give in to a little lurking. Why not feel worse and just get it over with, right? The " no contact" attempt wasn't helping me. I just keep having visions pop into my head of him falling for his new girl and being all cute like he was with my daughter.

I only checked twitter, which he minimally uses. The more "alpha" male, nasty side of his personality is coming out. There is one post where he is judging somebody's crude sex comments (but he adds his own crude sex request), and his girlfriend is tagged at the end. I had a friend interpret it (as I cannot be logical on this) and she took it to mean that his girlfriend was being crude, and he was sort of calling her out on it.

His tweet years ago referencing my daughter was, " she's a keeper when she makes you want to be a better person"

He had always placed value on my daughter being "classy" . When my daughter was seen with her rebound guy in her car in the school parking lot last year - he had texted her to inform her about exaggerated rumors. She happily replied that it "was only first base - promise". His reply, "Thays what I thought. I always knew you had more class than that."

I thought that was so odd that they could talk about it like that... It was like he was still a part of her love life.

Oh, I'm aware how silly I am being about all this - but these are the threads of hope I hold on to.

Once I could perceive his tweets as: a) he's behaving like a jerk in general and b) he may not be as in love as I feared .... I emotionally lifted out my deep, dark hole and felt hope again. It happened over about 30 minutes - it's sooo weird.

On the surface, I appear so even keeled. I regularly get feedback that it's so " wonderful" to work with/ be married to a person that's so reliable and stable. But, this event in my life has thrown me into an emotional storm that I internalize as much as I can. The waves of grief are terrible and I will grasp onto anything to feel a little hope.

When my daughter was posting some pictures from our home onto her snapchat story this weekend -- all I could think was what her ex would feel emotionally when he sees it.

So, I hold onto the knowledge that he is still monitoring her every few days on snapchat (which I choose to believe is a form of emotional cheating), and that he may not respect his new girlfriend all that much. I hope she's just convenient,

He is very far from perfect....and sometimes I really don't like him. But, like my kids, I find myself forgiving him and circling back to missing him all the time.


Connie1966,

You amaze me with your love for your kid after so long. I feel that I will follow in your tracks over the next few years....

Spook,

I am curious why you never thought you could/ should reconnect with Jeannie?

My deepest sympathies for the loss of your sweet wife. I can only imagine how that loss must feel. And you're right- family is really chosen.


As always, thanks to all that are a part of this blog.... I never thought I would be doing this

 

[cherylluz]

Dear coffeeluvr,

Don't dismay too much - all mothers from this post have had very similar feelings/reactions to this situation. I was in my daughter's room yesterday to water her plant, as she's away for a few days. I noticed she had a pile of those mini-polaroid pictures sitting on her desk - pictures of her with various friends. At the bottom of the pile was one with a headshot of her with her ex - both had wonderful smiles on their faces and once again I felt that awful "heartache-y" feeling come over me. They looked so incredibly happy together, and once again I began going over the course of their relationship in my mind. What could have happened??? I still feel so sad. It is a day by day thing, and some days are better and then there are those that are bad still. I don't know if my missing him will ever completely go away. My daughter also seems very happy and in love with her new beau (they've been together since early december). I know I should just try to be happy that she's happy - and, believe me, I do try. As I said in one of my previous posts, I had to go back on an antidepressant after being off of them for several years - I didn't think it would help much, but it has. I know it's a cliche, but take it one day at a time - that's all you can do. It really helped me feel less isolated with this situation and feel better about my feelings to know that there were many other moms going through the same issue. Stay in touch - my thoughts are with you.

Cheryl

 

[Coffeeluvr]

Hi Cheryl, CatsnDogs, etc.,


Thanks so much for your kind thoughts. Pictures can be difficult. We have so many over the years that they are unavoidable. I don't dwell on them anymore. It rips my heart out too much.

My daughter has also kept her life sized teddy bear from the ex. She refused to toss it even after it got a little damaged, and she doesn't want her sister near it.

I've often wondered whether if part of the reason this hit me so hard is because I have no sons. I'll never know the answer to that - I just know that I have zero interest in my daughter replacing him with some other guy. Even though my daughter's ex has a new girlfriend, it still feels terribly disloyal to me every time my daughter talks about some new guy she's interested in. And I'm sure that her ex would say I was being immature for not wanting to meet anybody new (but he'd also be smiling and secretly gratified).

When her ex texted me at the beginning of their break up, he caught me off guard when he stated that he had no intention of pitting me against her. At the time, I thought that was weird for him to think that would happen. Now I am impressed by his foresight. I couldn't stand being in the same space as her for the first 3 or 4 months.

My daughter did try to convince herself that her rebound guy was great (this was last spring) and her ex was awful. I knew she was doing it, but she couldn't admit it until months later. When she apologized to her ex last summer - he asked if she was done "demonizing" him. Their breakup was more like a divorce in some ways.

I read a quote that to be waiting for someone or to be trying to forget them are both awful. But not knowing which to do is truly suffering.

I think that's where I exist.....( but then feel silly and narcissistic -there are so many worse things that are happening to others)

My best days, where I feel most normal, are when I can feel hopeful that they will reconnect in the future. I have faith that they will remember being best friends and supporting each other. I am able to step back and realize that they are at the beginning of college, exploring other people, and nothing is permanent.

But, then my pessimistic (or realistic) side pushes through and I can only see their pathways diverging further and further apart. And then I fall into that deep hole of despair that is way too familiar.

I also think it's funny that I'm told by my ex-therapist and well meaning friends that I should stay off of social media because all it does is reopen the wound and not allow me to heal. That's probably true.

But, I'm also told that it probably doesn't mean anything that my daughter and her ex are still monitoring each other through snapchat every few days. Aren't they "not moving on" and re-opening their wounds as well??

He sees more about her daily life than I do.

Maybe we all have extreme loyalty mixed with a little obsessiveness?

Anyway, just some meandering thoughts.......

I hope you all are doing ok and are gradually having better days. As always, the support found here is priceless.

Coffeeluvr

 

[Coffeeluvr]

Hi all,

Connie, you questioned whether you would feel better when your daughter's ex was in a new relationship. For me, it's been a jumbled mix of feelings. I knew my daughter's ex would get a steady girl fairly quickly, so I was looking for it all the time. He hates to be alone and for all of his alpha male bravado, he's really a monogamous family guy. I feel better in that this is playing out how I predicted so far, but it really, really hurts.

He's on spring break and went to his new girlfriend's hometown for the week. It didn't surprise me at all, yet I can't help but get anxious and sad that he will love them (more). I don't wish misery on him, but I hope he will be a little letdown. He loves meeting new people and will talk to anybody, yet he's also very judgmental and can be an ***. But, then again, he was with us for 3 years, all the time, and he really was family...

Meanwhile, my daughter is getting involved/ hooking up with a guy who is realistically on the path to be a professional athlete. She likes him a lot , and doesn't go out unless he will be there. I'm glad she's slowing down on the party girl thing, because that's not who she really is either. Most parents would be excited that their daughter is doing this. I, however, predict that this will go down in flames. He will never be able to give her the level of attention she loved with her ex, and I am prejudiced that this guy is probably using her.

If my daughter and her ex are still monitoring each other through snapchat - they will be comparing each of their choices.

I AM grateful that neither one is as pathetic as I am

I know it's speculation as to how much knowledge they have of each have of each other's lives, but she stated that she thinks she's a better catch than his new girlfriend, and I know her ex lumps all baseball players as ******bags (daughter's new guy), so I can imagine his thoughts/ concerns...

They do seem to be returning more to the people I knew.

On the minimally bright side, I seem to be able to view this latest chapter with a more rational, long term perspective. It still hurts so much more than it should after a year, but they always knew they would separate for this time in their lives. And for some reason I don't fully comprehend -- I do still believe 100% that when he's ready to settle down, he will contact her and figure out where they stand.

It used to take me weeks to recover that feeling after falling into the rabbit hole of grief and despair. Now it only takes hours and I don't know why......

For now, I will give myself a break from social media lurking, but I will check in a few weeks/ months. I've accepted that "forgetting" and completely "letting go" in the traditional way is never going to happen, and I can create worse scenarios in my imagination than what's really occurring. It seems to hurt less this way.

I hope you all are well,

Coffeeluvr

 

[connie1966]

I know it would kill me knowing hes in relationship and i know for sure he would compare me with her mom we wwre best friends he will never have that again trust me , we are so bad though predicting doom because its what we beleive about what we want , i must be hurting my daughter its over two years shes with him i never even mention his name ask how he is or tell her invite him over i even posted a pic of her on my facebook and cropped him out ! I ask a friend to check her x's s fb for me once in a while i like to know what hes upto ! Its only been one year for you its still fresh. Its almost 3 years for me and im still mot over it , al these fantasys of them realizing is just wishful thinking they are moving on and so should we! This freakin sucks but its life their life , i saw a step aunt yesterday her grabdaughter was with her boyfriend for 6 years and now shes with someone else ad my aunt was saying i still love him and always will regardless if shes still with him so its normal we feed them care for them love them they take a huge place in our hearts and we cant just stop loving them but as hard as it is to accept they are not home missing us they are finding their way and moving forward as it should be