skiesabove
Hatching
- May 15, 2020
- 4
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I wish I had been able to cope as well as you have, Skiesabove. I'm not religious, but I too started to pray, and it helped.
And I also went along with the plans and developed expectations. Her current boyfriend is a convenient security blanket.
Coffeeluvr
If his friends have that much control over him it sounds like your daughter is probably much better off without him and you just have to suppress your emotions and feelings on the situation. Pray for healing for everyone involved including you. When it’s out of your hands, put it in God’s hands.
Coffeeluvr, GrayAngel, Loreli,That’s good advice. To put it in Gods hands. My D and I often spoke about how we/she cannot make excuses for bad behavior, but how there really may be an issue there. Now who knows. I can’t get over how very very VERY painful and hard this is for ME. It’s not supposed to be. I want to me a good mom to my wonderful D.
I'm not very religious either. I do believe in a Creator or a greater force, I believe in the power of intention, (sending out your good feelings/ wishes) and I've seen it work in my own life. So I send my prayers / intentions out to the universe. I write them down in a journal every day and this has helped. In the past month while they were having issues before the breakup, I prayed specifically for them. Now I picture my daughter healthy and happy. I'm picturing her safe, healthy, fulfilled in her studies/ her profession, and I'm picturing her with a wonderful, loving, respectful significant other, someone she can trust. And then I picture him with someone who's the same for him, whether that person will be my daughter, or someone else.
Loreli, I agree with Gray Angel that his friends and their influence is concerning. I'm wondering what this boy's parents are like, what was his family life like. I'm reading a book right now called "Toxic Parents" and it is really great at identifying the causes of that kind of behavior in relationships. I started reading because there were issues with my daughter's ex parents and now I understand how their control affected his behavior. I highly recommend it.
Loreli, it's ok that you feel grief, you can forgive yourself for feeling sad. I understand your daughter asking you not to talk to him, it sounds like him contacting you is creating a vicious negative cycle in his behavior.
As sad as I am, and as much as I want to, I haven't brought up the subject to my D, and I won't contact him again. I realize that if there's any chance of them getting back together for good, I have to stay out of it. If I bring it up she won't have the room and space she needs to miss him, or to reflect on what she really wants.
It has also helped to think about my own journey. I had a very sweet, very compatible high school boyfriend. We came from eerily similar families, we had the same cultural background, same interests, and we were very much in love. We were together four years, from when I was 15 to 19. I broke up with him, and honestly, at that time I didn't even know why I was breaking up. I dated a couple of jerks, and then met my husband at 21, and we've been married for 20 years.
Now I realize that, my high school boyfriend was all I knew, and while I didn't realize it then, I would have been trapped if I'd stayed with him. I needed to grow and become the person I ended up being. Him and I ended up being completely different people. He is happily married, btw.
My marriage of 20 years has been mostly wonderful, with a couple of rough patches, like many others are. Right now it's pretty great, I don't just love, but I actually LIKE my husband. There's no way for me to know what life with the other guy would have been like, but I suspect it might have been the same or worse, not better.
All that to say, that there's no reason why our daughter's won't end up finding a wonderful man to spend their lives with when the time comes, whether it's the boys we lost, or someone new entirely. We need to stay hopeful.