Depressed

[Alleyoops25]

Thanks Sharona I appericiate you thoughts. I wont go to another D.O. Like I meantioned before that the one I went to luaghed at me when I wanted him to run this test on me. He told me that it is rare, and that women dont get it. He had me come in once or twice a week so he couldl do adjustments on me. We quit going to him after he ended up getting a divorce and his personal life carried over into his work life. And it has more or less distroyed his career because he can seem to get control of the anger that his failed marriage cuased. He is the only doc in town that practices osteopathic medince. I started seeing a regular M.D. and she has been awesome so far. She has being willing to try to find the source of my pain, which she did. I imagine that she will do all she can to help me with this. Shes fairly new in town and young enough she doesnt think she is a God and she is very compassionate. I think I will stick with her. If she starts to show that shes burnt out or if I dont like what she is doing I will definatley go find someone else. I dont think I can handle any more Osteopathic doctors. they are like a chiroprator and want to pop and bend or your bones. And usually aint willing to perscribe much medications. they just dont seem to be open to try different things. That was th eproblem with this doctor. And I have heard the same type of compliants from family and friends that live in a totally different part of Colorado or the country. Now that I know whats wrong with me I cant allow for some one to come a long and push and pop on my joints. It will only make things worse. I can say that after I quit going to this doc. is that the pain isnt as severe. I do appericiate the thought though. I dont feel like doing a darn thing today. I just want to hide out and not deal with anything today. I never thought about using an antidepressant before and I hope I can avoid them now. But I have never felt this rotten. I just havent been able to cope with the thought of never being able to do the things I love to do. The medicines that are out there only slow it down, Maybe. But thee is not a cure for it. And I am scared that I wasted perscious time with the quack. And may have made every thing worse. I do try not to believe that its Gods fualt. But it is hard when you are going through this much pain. My Dad feels he is at blame for me having this, and that is the reason I didnt want to tell them. I am glad that they had me. And he is the most wonderful Dad in the world. I understand how he feels though. I look at my three and I am scared that I past the gene on to them and that they will go through this to. I pray that they dont have to. I just feel like crawling into a hole right now. I have never felt this bad in my entire life. Anyway I think I have whinned enough now. I need to go try to get something done today. Even if it is just getting dressed, and feeding the chickens.

 

[Sharona]

Hey, Alley, I apologize. I overlooked where you had already tried an osteopath.

 

[Alleyoops25]

Well today is the big day....I am off to the doctors office to see how bad the results are.

Hopefuly they arent to bad. My mom finally told my dad and he is really upset I was afraid this topic would hurt him.My DH is doing pretty good with this, He has been very supportive. My duaghter is scared that if I have it she will have it to. So I have been trying my hardest to make her feel better about this. I dont feel as doomed as I first did. I have studied up on this and I know what to expect. But I am still not comfrotable with the idea of it. I just hope that I have not waited to long and there is already to much damage done. Anyway wish me luck and a few prayers. I am going to need them both.

 

[SpottedCrow]

Good thoughts and prayers for your results.
If you can have your daughter tested, then I would. When I got pregnant, I was tested for SLE and the titre never showed. So I wasn't going to get it or not even be a carrier.

 

[Alleyoops25]

Well I survived yester days appt. and I got the much feared results. The disease has set in badly in my hip, pelvic bone, and lower back. It looks like it is starting in parts of my upper back and ribs, as well. The Doctor says that this is a disease they cant treat. They can try to slow it down, and treat the pain but it is not some thing they can cure.

The pain meds they gave me totally knocks me out. And even when they wear off I am still left feeling groggy. I hope this is something that I can build a resistance to. If I cant then I am for sure that I will quit taking them. I want to be a good mom, and be able to play, teach, and interact with them, not laying spradled out on the coach or in bed day after day. I talk with her about testing my kids as well. She said that it really wouldnt make much difference right now, and that they all probably have the HLA B27 gene . But that even though they have the gene, they may not ever suffer syptoms, and the gene could stay dorment. I have to start doing exercises that will strenghten my back muscle so that I dont end up permenatly slouched position like my dad. I am also starting a starch free diet , Some how startch speeds up the disease. I was also told that if the disease keep progressing like it is then there is a high chance that by the time I am 35 to 40 I will have to use a cane , or in a extreme case possibly a wheel chair. I am trying to refuse to belive that. But it does sit in the back of my mind and its hard not to keep thinking positive. My DH doesnt know how to handle this either, he tries to be supportive but he isnt the type that is sypathic, or knows how to deal with my emotions. He went with me to the doctors yester day and he asked a great deal of questions. But after we left and got home he was very quit and went out to the garage and kept himself away in there tinkering with his Computers that he has been working on. And He didnt come in until the kids and I were in bed. I wish he would be more comforting with this, I feel like I am the one in the family that encourages, supports, and takes care of every one. I wish for once he could do the same. It doesnt feel real good when you find out that You have a bad disease and then your DH who you love more than anything starts avoiding you, and cant talk to me about my problem. So I sit here and talk to the many of you guys here, and that helps a bit. So thanks again to all of you who have showed you support, and have givin me someone to talk to when I needed it.

 

[sara]

Alleyoops~
I can totally relate about the DH deal. When I want to talk to DH about what's going on, he just doesn't really want to talk about it. I feel like he should be trying to spend as much time with me as he can, and he doesn't. I really think he just doesn't know how to deal with all of it. I feel like I have to be brave and keep a lot to myself. I feel like I sometimes worry more about everyone else than they worry about me. I'm having a stem cell transplant soon, it's like a bone marrow transplant but with my own cells instead of a donor. I am scared to death of not making it through it, I just want to be able to live and raise my children. Sometimes life seems so unfair.

 

[Alleyoops25]

I know how you feel sara. I Am willing to talk to you when ever you need me to. cancer is definatly something that is very scarey to deal with. What kind of cancer did you say you had? I my self have not had cancer but working and many people in my family have had or does have cancer. It is a major battle and you feel exhuasted even when you havent actually done anythng physical, and it is because your body is working had to get rid of it, and then there is kemo to deal with and it seems to always make you feel sick. I know you will do fine with the transplant. Surgery is scarey to, I have had a few of those and I always get scared that once they put me under I may never wake up. But I always do, and have never had a problem with it. The stem cell think is awesome, and it is fairly new. My Grandma had bone cancer when I was little and they didnt have this technology and they couldnt cure her. Now the technology has grown in leaps and bounds. I will see if I can get a email to you so that you will have it and you can talk to me when ever you need someone to talk to. Who knows maybe we can help each other.