Do I not have a right to be mad?

[tonini3059]

Ok so most of you know that on Oct 12th I lost my mom to cancer. It was a horrible ordeal being that I am 23 and she was only 53 and I had to take care of her completely and lie to her letting her think she was getting better. There was a big dilemma with my grandfather as he felt that she was to be buried 1 1/2 hrs away next to my grandmother when my mom specifically said numerous times to everyone that she did not want a viewing and wanted to be cremated since I was 5 yrs old. He was mad and said that my mom was not in her right mind etc etc when she was even the night before she passed. He has yet to speak to me since before my mother passed when I told him the arrangements, even at the memorial service he brought down his brother, sil, and my aunt, but did not come inside. At the wake he talked to all 3 of my brothers and my dad no problems, but I am snubbed. When my grandmother died 2 yrs ago this Dec, I was there for him in his time of need. First off my grandmother wanted to be cremated and he buried her instead. The day of the burial my hubby and I skipped going to the cemetery so we could go back to the house and prepare the food so when everyone came back they could eat, I wrote out every thank you card, which were blank ones, and since it was christmas time I returned all of the gifts and canceled stuff they had ordered for her. My aunt lives with him, so two weeks from the day that my mom passed I went to lunch with her and she had the audacity to ask me for a ring back that my mom had taken from my grandmother after she had passed, and my grams wanted her to have it. It is not even a diamond ring it is a mother's ring of which my gram had several mother's pins rings etc. My mom has no jewelry only her class ring and her wedding band and that ring from my grandmother which should have gone from my mom to me. My aunt has all of my grandmother's other jewelry so it is not like my mom took it all it is not even an expensive ring. I just don't get why I am shunned when I did nothing wrong and am asked to give them the ring, which should be mine, my grandmother wanted my mom to have it then me to be passed on.
I am so completely ready to write off my grandpap and aunt I have been through enough and am already depressed with enough stuff on my plate to have to deal with their crap! Bad enough on the 12th it will be one month since she passed, the 15th is her birthday, the thanksgiving and christmas are coming up and the last two were bad because my grandmother passed, the last year was her 1 yr.

I just don't know what to do anymore...

 

[KellyHM]

Sorry that your family members are being such butts. I don't really know what to tell you but

 

[Elite Silkies]

JMHO, your mother would have given you that ring, so it's yours. Your aunt should have not ask for it back, since she has other jewelry that belonged to her mother.

As far as writing them off, that will have to be your decision. Some people get very greedy after and even before death. I don't know why, it is just that way sometimes.

You honored your mother's wishes, and I think that is what you should have done.

 

[raroo]

I would be mad too. A family should always respect other's burial wishes. Family deaths can bring out the worst in everyone, I'm sorry they are making it so hard on you.

 

[Marbleheader]

You have every right to be mad. Every right. God, I'm mad just reading about the way they're treating you.

 

[chickenvirgin]

I am sorry sorry for your loss.

I think that you should do what you feel is right. This is exactly the reason why people should have wills.....even a hand written letter is better than the spoken word it seems!

 

[tonini3059]

my aunt said that my grandfather had asked for it back not her. I don't know it sounds like him since he is being a grump because he didn't get his way. I am just so mad for all this being over following what my mom wanted everyone except my grandfather knew what she wanted. He said it was his daughter and he had no say and etc etc he doesn't see that we are her children and she have more authority and it is not like we just up and did this on our own. Plus we had everyone here when her time came and kept the body and extra couple of hours until her one brother was able to make it and say goodbye, and we knew for 2 weeks that this was it and never stopped anyone form stopping by. and my mom always said "If they can't come and see me when I am alive they don't need to see me when I'm dead."

 

[horsejody]

I would just politely tell the aunt, "Grandma wanted Mom to have the ring and pass it on to me. It means a lot to me to have it. I hope you understand that I'm keeping it." As far as Grandpa goes, he needs to get over it, and, hopefully, someday he will. Some people are very dead set against cremation and believe that, if you love someone, you bury them. Right or wong, it's what they believe. That's probably why he's upset. It's also difficult to outlive your children. I'm sure that there is a special sort of grief there. You followed your mother's wishes. You did the right thing. It's up to him to come to terms with with her death and her wishes. No matter how much you want to convince him that it was the right thing to do, nothing you do will change his feelings. He has to come to terms with it and change his own attitude. Maybe you could send him a card and write something like, "Even though I lost a mother and you lost a daughter, I'm thankful that we still have eachother." Then invite him over for dinner. After that, the ball is in his court.

 

[wegotchickens]

I swear, grief gets all twisted up and makes people crazy. I think that's what's happened with your grandpa and aunt. Rather than being angry that your mother was taken from you ALL, they are taking it out on you. It's not fair, and I'd be angry too.

Some people simply cannot deal with the concept of cremation. I deal with the same kind of issues from my ex-mother-in-law. Every time she mentions my daughter I get a lecture on how 'she doesn't understand how all this burning stuff works' and how I could've buried my daughter next to her (lousy IMO) father. And every time I calmly say that I put my daughter where she was close to us and that I made my decisions based on what was best for my other daughter. And the only reason I'm courteous is because of my other daughter, who has already suffered more than any child should have to bear.

If I could, I'd turn and walk away and never explain myself again!
And I think you should do that, too. You need it in order to heal. And later, maybe fences can be mended. Maybe not.

You did right by your mother. You followed her wishes. You did your best to give her peace in her final days and in her manner of final rest. For the next 3-6 months avoid anyone who argues with you about that if at all possible. And by all means, keep that ring!!!!
And bake a cake for your mother's birthday, her favorite. Share memories of your mother with other family. Laugh over the funny memories, and cry that there won't more. It's allowed!

I can tell you, the anniverseries don't get easier. And the holidays hurt like he//. Even grocery shopping hurts for a while, as you have to pass those favorite foods that you have no reason to buy any longer. Cry, Sweetie. Just let it out. Anyone who says differently hasn't felt this kind of pain.

 

[thechickenchick]

First I want to say how sorry I am for the loss of your Mom. My Mom was also 53 when she died, I was 30. It always amazes me how family can be so mean and vindictive in times like this. YES, you do have the right to be mad. You made the decisions based on what your Mom told you she wanted. It was your choice to make and now that it is done everyone else needs to accept it as it is.

When my Mom died, my Dad died also. He was 55. It is just my sister and I. Between my parents there are 8 remaining brothers and sisters, and they ALL had different ideas as to what should have been done concerning cremation, burial, etc. We knew what Mom and Dad wanted but were looked upon as "children". I think that may be what is happening in your situation as well. You are a competent adult making very difficult choice for which you should be commended. It is tough enough to have to deal with these things without criticism from the people that should be comforting you. What ever is said , shrug it off and find peace in the fact that your choices were what your Mom wanted regardless of what everyone else thought you should have done.

One more thing, You are not obligated to give the ring or anything else back, ever! Those things are legally yours now. I did share certian things with a special Aunt and a few of my parents good friends but they did not ask for them. I offered.

A few months prior to my parents passing my Dads Father passed away leaving my Dad 18k. My Dad put it all towards his mortgage, paying off the house. I bought my half of the house from my sister as she had a house on the same block.( I was living in an apartment). When my grandfather died my one Aunt we will call R, owed him more $ than her share of the inheritance. They had a previous agreement that, that was her inheritance so she would receive no $ when he died, which she didn't. Just weeks after the accident and before i moved into the house, my Aunt R called me and told me I needed to sell Dads house and pay her what she would have gotten from her Dad had my Dad died a few months sooner! Can you believe she would have said such a thing!! Family can truly turn in to selfish monsters at a time like this. My advise to you is to ignore those people. It may be hard too but you may have to stop talking to some family to preserve your mental health. After time goes by they may come around, but you need time to heal, their negative influence can not help you.

You can PM me any time if you have any questions or just need to vent.