Do You Want Free Eggs........THE WINNER IS>>> on pg. 5

[gocrow77]

here is another one:

My wife is missing



The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?"

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

 

[gocrow77]

another for ya!

Calming your son


In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."

A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert."

The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."

 

[PeepsInc]

Went to lunch with a friend today to a new chicken place. We asked how they prepare their chickens.

The reply: "We just tell them they're going to die."

 

[Lucky Ducky]

I knew you guys could do it!!!! Keep it coming but please keep it clean, I would hate for this thread to be closed!!! I really want to give away these eggs!

 

[HobokenChickenEmergency]

St Peter is guarding the pearly gates, when he sees Jesus walking by. Peter says, "Lord, wait! Could you take over for a minute here? I have to deliver a message to John."

Jesus says yes, and takes over the keys and book. A minute later, an old man appears at the gate. He's old and grey and bent. Jesus looks at him with love and asks, "What is your name?" The old man answers, "In English, my name was Joseph."

Jesus asks him, "What was your occupation?". The old man answers, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus thinks a minute, and asks, "Did you have any children?" The old man replies, "I had one son, but he didn't come in the usual way."

Jesus throws down the keys and book, and hugs the old man. "Dad!", He yells happily.

The old man cranes up at Him and says, "Pinocchio?"

 

[19Dawn76]

A car full of nuns gets pulled over for going 30mph on I-30. The officer asked the driver why she was going so slow. She points to the I-30 sign and says "isn't that the speed limit?" The officer replies "No, thats the interstate you are on." Then he notices the other nuns in the car are kinda green looking and shaking. He inquires as to the reason and the nun replies " we were just on hwy 110"

 

[rodriguezpoultry]

Not exactly MY story, but since my dad hates typing...

When he was little, his mom (my grandma) sent him down to the cellar to get some cornmeal. On his way down he heard this "snapping" noise. He thought it was the stairs so he jumped a bit on the stairs. There was more snapping sounds but nothing happened to the stairs. He got a flashlight and saw these worms at the bottom under the stairs.

He got the cornmeal and proceeded to get lower on the stairs and throw rocks into the worms to hear the snapping noise. He thought the worms were hungry so he went inside and got some bread. He went through half a loaf and the worms were gobbling it up!

He ran back inside the house for more bread. My grandma saw him this time and asked what he was doing. He said "I'm feeding the snapping worms! You wanna see them?" She was confused as to what the snapping worms were and went. One look down in the cellar and she ran to the garage. She got a canister of gasoline and matches and set the snapping worms...and the rest of the cellar on fire!

Apparently the "snapping worms" were baby copperheads...

(It's a miracle anyone in my family is still alive... LOL!)

 

[cherig22]

In NE Florida we have a milk company named Gustavsen's Farms. It is really good milk, we had used it for many years because it was more of a local farm. There is a picture on the front of two older people, the ones who started the dairy, and they are Mama and Papa 'Gus', very quaint pic of an older farm couple.

My seven year old daughter took the milk container out of the fridge, went up to Grandma, and said, "I can't have this, is old people's milk."

How she ever connected the milk being for folks who looked like the picture is beyond me.

But she is also the one who went to Grandma and said, also about seven years old, "Can I have ten dollars, for no apparent reason?"

Cheri

 

[crtrlovr]

A friend of mine and I used to trade barbs in the form of "I had a dream about you last night..." Here's one such "dream" I related to Bro. Eddens.
I said, "I had a dream about you last night. I dreamed I died and went to Heaven, and at the gate stood St. Peter. He welcomed me and told me that I was in the Outer Court of Heaven, and before I could enter Heaven itself, I must go to the far side of a very large field. He handed me an enormous piece of chalk as big around as a 2 liter bottle and three feet long and said, "on the other side of the field is a giant chalkboard. You must write down every hurtful word, bad thought, and sin you ever committed." I started on my way across the field, and as I walked, I met you coming back the other way. I said, "Hey there! I'm so glad to see you!" You replied, "Sorry, I can't talk now. I'm in a big hurry!" I asked, "Where are you going in such a rush?" "After ANOTHER PIECE OF CHALK!!"

 

[shawnkfl]

i work with a gentleman in his early 60's. a few weeks ago the receptionist paged "Lou" to say that there was a call parked on his line. he didn't pick up becuase he doesn't know how the phone works. i said,"just pick it up and say hello". so, i dialed his extension. he picks up and says"hello" except it was going over the office intercom. he hung up, and i dialed his extension again. again "hello" comes over the intercom. six times i did this, just laughing so hard i had tears in my eyes. he gets frustrated because he thinks he keeps hanging up on someone (he had no idea it was me). so, he unplugs the phone. after a quick work with HR to get her in it, she comes down and says "Lou, i keep getting an alarm in my office that your phone is unplugged" i'm dying at this point. she tells him that she will hold a "phone usage" class to teach him how to use the phone. finally, the end of the day comes andd he goes home. by now, the whole office has heard about Lou's phone ordeal. The owner comes down and takes his computer and phone away. he proceeds to set an old MAC system (like one of the original ones) on his desk with an old typewriter. for a phone, he tied a long string between two cups. OMG i was falling off my chair! an etch-a-sketch was added with a note "to reboot, hold upside and shake"....the look on Lous' face the next day was priceless...true story. i've never laughed so hard in all my life and Lou still thinks that there is an alarm on the phone system!