Don't know ehere to start. (vent)

Discussion in 'Family Life - Stories, Pictures & Updates' started by aidenbaby, Apr 16, 2009.

  1. aidenbaby

    aidenbaby Chillin' With My Peeps

    Apr 10, 2009
    I'm frustrated, hurt, and just generally depressed. No matter what I do or don't do lately, my husband doesn't see it. Our biggest "issue" is the housework. You see, I do daycare for 3 children on top of the 2 that we have. My husband feels that I should be able to look after them, deal with all of their bickering, arguing, and fighting (they do this a lot as they are all under 6 and the 2 youngest are 18 months), and keep up with the ENTIRE house, yard and all of the animals. I feel like I do 95% of the daily work while he cleans out of anger once every 3 weeks and makes me feel bad for not having done better. For example, he has done one load of dishes each day for the past 3 days. Meanwhile, I am feeding and cleaning up after all the animals, am installing a HUGE vegetable garden, and have at least done SOME housework every day. He actually begrudges how tired and sore I am. Oh, and earlier this year I was diagnosed with arthritis in both feet, both hands and I'm suspecting in my back AT 30!! That means that almost every morning I am waking up in pain. Even after I take my meds for this and an additional 2 ibuprofen I still hurt. He just doesn't seem to "get it".
  2. TaLani

    TaLani ~ Gemini Chick ~

    Oct 2, 2008
    Bryson City, NC
    Lots of [​IMG] to you! Maybe make a list of things you do on one side of paper & on the other side list the things that he does & show it to him. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out who'll tip the scale! Better yet, tell him that tomorrow he has to stay home & do everything that you put on your list mentioned above & see how he feels at the end of the day! I know, sometimes ya just wanna [​IMG]!
  3. byrandom

    byrandom Chillin' With My Peeps

    Sep 22, 2008
    Terrell, TX
    In my opinion, showing him what you do and what he does is more than likely just going to start more of an argument. I am all in favor of counseling. Sometimes it helps just to have someone to talk to.. [​IMG]
  4. lovemychix

    lovemychix Chillin' With My Peeps

    Oct 14, 2008
    Moulton Iowa
    You sound like me. I have 2 of my own and 4 daycare children. I do all the work inside and out. My hubby goes to work and when he gets home the couch is where he sits, unless he gets a fire call or EMT call. Help me for heavens sake. [​IMG]
  5. HennysMom

    HennysMom Keeper of the Tiara

    [​IMG] I"m sorry you're having a rough time, it definately can be tough dealing with illness and having to tend to the house and kids. I can relate, I have fibro, Lupus, arthritis and a mirage of other things wrong with me - so I totally understand where you're coming from.

    Best I can tell you is to do what I do - make a list and do a few things on that list each day; assign a few things each day.

    Dishes, well, those can be done daily, yes - but how about paper plates once or twice a week to help alleviate dishes? *not the most environmentally friendly I know, for us*.

    Cleaning up around the house with kids: Pick a song that can be your "clean up song" We used to use Barney when the kids were little "Clean up clean up everybody everywhere.. clean up clean up everybody do your share! [​IMG]" and we'd take the entire song for 2 cycles and clean up all the toys - both before nap time and then before the end of the day. Worked wonderfully. The older kids can help out quite a bit actually - they are 6 so they can help take trash out and set up for lunch/dinner/breakfast. No reason not to.

    Quiet time: HAVE this each day for ALL the kids! for at least an hour - you can put a "quiet time movie" on and have all the kids sit quietly and watch it. If the youngers ones take a nap, then you sit the older ones down for "quiet time" during this time. but..either way.. you must make this hour of quiet time every day. Its when YOU can get some of your things done without having kids pulling at you.

    If your own children are the ages of 4-6 years, they can help feed the animals, gather eggs, etc. It might not be as fast or neat as you'd like it to be, but it can be done. They can learn to use a swiffer duster and help dust [​IMG] Kids LOVE using those things - trust me. Use things that work for their ages - how about a chore chart with a reward system like whomever gets 5 golden stars gets a special toy out of the box? (you can get a bag of something from the dollar store; candy, small toys (age appropriate) or even fun special alone time with Mom).

    Bickering: Have a time-out mat or stool - have a few actually - that way you can separte the kids. Use a time out equal to the age of the child (2 minutes for a 2 year old...6 minutes for a 6 year old, etc). It works... might take you a while and them a while to learn, but it does work.

    As far as DH goes - well - if he's done the dishes 3 times in 3 days - thats pretty darn good all things considered! At least he's helping. Praise him for helping instead of bashing him for not doing enough - remember he's working too and pulling long hours, just like you are. Is he with kids all day - no - but... he IS working.

    Just remember - life is too short to be bickering about house work. Pick a few things to get done each day and stick with those things only. So today you vacuum and sweep - tomorrow you dust and may sort the laundry. The next day you do 1 load of wash or maybe 2. You have to pick and choose what you do here, being sick and having kids, its the only way I get things done. And there are some days I do absolutely NOTHING around the house, the dirt will sit on the floor and I'll get to it tomorrow. Why? because I hurt, plain and simple. The laundry might not get done on my laundry days of Monday and Weds - so I may do it on Tuesday and Friday instead.... but... eventually it will get done. Does DH vetch to me? NEVER.... because he knows better, if he vetches at all, he'd better be helping me out (and he does - I'm very fortunate) but it wasnt always that way, believe me.

    You'll get through it honey - just put a list up and do what you can. Just remember - Rome wasnt built in a day... and this too shall pass

    Lots of hugs and encouragement to you!
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2009
  6. sharp_shepherd

    sharp_shepherd Out Of The Brooder

    Mar 11, 2009
    I would talk to him about not taking care of the other children that don't belong to you so that you have more time to clean even though it means less money (i'm assuming). He may rather have the extra money as opposed to a clean house.


    Make a chart or schedule of chore tasks on a board and make sure you fill it up with what you do according to the importance of the task. Only do what you can and when your husband comes home and sees what you have done (you can show him if he isn't to smart) maybe he will be happy for what you have done.

    While I believe you on your arthritis you may be overdoing it a bit in the yard. You have to many things going on and it sounds like you both need to prioritize. Have your husband help you decide what is most important and let him know that you will attempt to complete the important things first.

    The best counceling a man can get is food in his stomach and for his wife to think of him as a hero. If most men get those two things then the rest don't really matter. But on the flip side, a happy wife = a happy life.

    Good luck.
  7. agnes_day

    agnes_day Chillin' With My Peeps

    Aug 29, 2008
    one thing i did was this..i decided that as a homemaker, i was going to make it my career and make it my goal to excel at it!
    there are many websites out there that can show you all sorts of tips to make your home your own sanctuary [​IMG] once you start really getting into the challenge of making your home the way you want it to be, you will be happier than you have ever been and it will really affect everyone's mood around you. i think our husbands are so tired at the end of the day, they just want to unwind, and not think about anything!
  8. PQ4evr

    PQ4evr Chillin' With My Peeps

    Jan 20, 2009
    Bellville Ohio
    [​IMG] Is he dealing with new stessors at work ? or is this constant ? I Homeschool my disabled son try to keep up with all I can. Last spat we had I cleaned enough to keep the house tidy when he asked for dinner I handed him a sandwich. Laundry day came I washed and dried his clothes and left them in a basket for him to hang. Not one word since that week! [​IMG]
  9. Chik-N-Crazy

    Chik-N-Crazy Out Of The Brooder

    Mar 4, 2009
    Currie, NC
    I don't usually get in this sort-of discussion, but since someone else suggested it, go to a counselor. In my house we both learned several years ago that it's about communicating. He may have no idea how it makes you feel, even though you think "how could he not". Marriage is not easy and it takes a lot of work learning how to talk and respect each other. Just a little compromising on both parts makes it much easier!!
    Hang in there-- and good luck! [​IMG]
  10. Judy

    Judy Chicken Obsessed Staff Member Premium Member

    Feb 5, 2009
    South Georgia
    I agree, counseling. Preferably both of you but at least you.

BackYard Chickens is proudly sponsored by