Drowning in in-laws

[backforty]

I really feel like venting. I got married 4 yrs ago and we moved in my in laws house when they built a new house, 70 feet away from our house. Well theres still some of my hubbys siblings things and the in laws things here and they also have alot of vehicles and tools and that all gets put in our yard because they didnt make there house and yard large enough for their junk. I stay at home and raise our 2 young kids and have a large garden, some cows, lots of rabbits, couple horses and of course chickens to keep me busy. Ive always wanted to be a stay at homer but Im considering getting a job just to get away from them all. Last year the father in law got laid off. Nows he's literally around here all day. My hubby fixes vehicles and does farm work here and his dad helps some but I feel like he's always there to tell me how to do things and cuss in front of the kids, and tell me I have too many animals and steal veggies from the garden. I feel like I can never just be alone with my family. Hubbys cousin and mom also lives next door so there around to but not quite as much as dad. Then last month the brother in law moved in a house less than a mile away and he is here every day or two at least for a while. Then to top it all off my sister in law moved in with us when she broke up with her boyfriend. Although shes usually only here in evenings and of course at night. So now I feel like theyre everywhere. At least one of them is here alsmost 24/7! I feel like everything I say and do is being possibly heard or seen. I probably would be able to handle the sister in law if there wherent all the other in laws and stuff everywhere. THis is not how I imagined my married life to be. AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Im even looking at real estate in the papers and getting ready to blow. Either the hubby tells them to leave us some space and take their junk along or Im leaving with or without the hubby! Thats how fed up Im getting!!

 

[GaNewChick]

Are you paying rent or buying this house? I want to make sure before I offer anymore opinions/advice.

 

[Mahonri]

OUCH!

You need to simply sit down and have a heart to heart with your husband... you still love him right?

You remind me of Debra on "Everybody Loves Raymond"... she always seems drowned by the in-laws too.

Sounds like you are just a kind, loving person, but perhaps you need to open up a little to those around you.

Shouldn't your sister-in-law be back with her parents instead of your place?

My older brother told me when I was a kid.... If you want a happy marriage, you both need to move far away from both sets of parents. I don't know if it's true, but it's what he did and it's what we did.

Every marriage has it's ups and downs. Joy and happiness come when we work through the never ending trials together.

 

[pdsavage]

Yeah if your paying rent or buying you need to set boundaries...
First off i would move all there stuff ALL of it to their property..tell em you need the space and are remodeling or landscaping.....

 

[twentynine]

Sounds to me like you need to count blessings not curses.
Go ahead "blow", leave your husband, who must atleast be a good provider. And when you wake up no longer being a stay at home mom. Or- have a garden- horses- chickens- cows- rabbits, you sure will have improved your situation.
And- Naturally you don't aggravate your in laws at all. Things like this are usually a two way street.
You might ought to go get you a job. Be easier than leaving your husband.

 

[CityGirlintheCountry]

Sheesh, twentynine... back away with the bitterness and meanness. The lady came here to vent about a situation that clearly frustrates her. Let her vent without adding to her problems!

Backforty- I'm not married and don't have in-laws, so I have no advice for you. It does sound like the Everybody loves Raymond show where the in-laws had no boundaries. I also think that this is something you need to discuss with your husband. HE needs to be the one to tell his family that they are crowding your family. It can't come from you or the situation will only get worse. Can you and he get away for a little couple time and discuss the situation?

Some more questions-
Do you like your in-laws and are only getting too much of them?
Are your in-laws the kind of people that you want your children to be like?
Do you own the house or is it still their house? (This one is a biggee. If you are renting then the in-laws still consider it to be their house. Thus the leaving of stuff and the junk in the yard. If you are renting, you need to consider buying it or moving to a different house if you want the dynamics to change.)
How much time do you spend with your family? Is there a balance?
Does your husband see any of this as a problem?

 

[SarahBeth9394]

Quote:
Sorry I gotta disagree. I lived in the same apartment complex as my mother for about a year. Yep that's all I could take. Ever day she'd come over after work walking her dog which just happened to be just minutes before my hubby got home. We'll I got pregnant again and we needed a bigger place so we were out of there. Nobody wants company every single day no matter who it is. I like to be able to wear my jammies till noon occasionally but when you know your going to be invaded you can't. Each family has to have their private time. Husbands and wives need time to talk without others ears around. You have to be able to take a shower without worrying about who is gonna just show up. You have to tell the fil that tomorrow just isn't a good day for company. Or at the least start out with "you know I really need my mornings with just the kids and I so we can get up and get cleaned up". Unless you plainly tell them they will not get it.

Oh and as far as the garden goes sounds like the inlaws need to work for those veggies (like weeding the garden) and ask first. Just tell them that since they took something your children are not going to have vegetables on their plate so basically they are taking food from their grandchildren's mouths.

 

[citrusdreams]

I feel for you. I really do.

Nothing's worse than when your peace and haven is turned into a battle ground.

I know this might sound juvenile, but why not make a list of why to leave and a list of why to stay. Then rate them on a scale of 1-10 on how important they are to you. Because you may just be venting, or you may just be miserable. Everyone has bad days once in a while. Is this a crappy horrible hormonal day? or are you like this more than half of your time?

It's one thing to vent, and of course, it's healthy to vent. But if you're really that miserable, you might seriously want to consider some changes before you go buggy, and YES it can happen. Living your life strung out is not healthy. I personally, would be miserable in your situation. And Life has a lot of blessings and curses. So you won't get any harsh mean words from me because I am not as miserable and bitter as some

I don't care whether your rent or own, or pay nothing at all. I also don't care whether or not you're a headache to your in-laws as well. It's irrelevant because you deserve some privacy. Everyone needs some time and space of their own and it sounds like you're being stifled. All of these
*guests* have their own homes. If you lived in a commune, I'd be saying either get out or stop complaining about the life you chose. But your relatives each have their own space and some of yours too.

Don't get me wrong. I come from a big family. We used to all live in duplexes and three-flats. Gramma and granpa were on the first floor, aunt and uncle were on the second floor. We were on the third floor. And there were a couple buildings like that scattered not to far away from each other. Weekends filled the house with noisy boisterous family. Only a few lived off away, and it was only a few miles away. I personally like that. I wish we would have had a big family farm with separate houses on it. But we lived in the heart of a big city at the time. But there were times to all be together and times to go do your own thing with the family one chose to make new. Sure, everyone was in everyone's business a lot, but big families only have to pick up a phone to do that. Think My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Big family but everyone basically had lives

It sounds to me like you need to sit down and have a heart to heart with your husband. Tell him you need to set some boundaries. Tell him you want these times and on these days for you and your inner family - every week. Tell him you need the space in your house for yaddayaddayadda and ask him to put everything in a shed, garage or storage facility.

Maybe you need to schedule in some "me" time. For me, that would be about 5am-630am. If I had extended family in and out, it'd probably be earlier...which would give me an excuse to take a nap during the noisiest time of day.

I think it's ridiculous that you can't get away from your relatives in your own home. Personally, if the kids are at school and your father-in-law comes over, I'd either go to bed or go out with my animals and get away from him. Eventually he'll get the point. He just sounds cantakerous to me, and really bored. He really needs something to do. He's probably depressed from not having a job, and that can make people act mean sometimes. But you would know him better than I. If anyone questions you just be honest and say, "you know, I really need some quiet time right now. I kinda feel boxed in. Give me a bit of time and I'll be back".

I love my farm and I love my animals and I love my life. But all that would change in my home was filled with all that conflict. I couldn't take it. Whatever you do, protect your sanity and your emotional health.

 

[SarahBeth9394]

Citrus is right on. I would suggest that fil finds a hobby. If he's got all those tools ask him to build some bird houses for your homes. Then maybe some flower boxes. Maybe he'll enjoy it and it will spring into some sort of hobby which would turn into some more time for just you and your kids to spend together. Is there anything that needs fixing or improving. That man needs to do something other than sit around.

 

[citrusdreams]

Quote:
I think that's a good idea, but for different reasons

Not that I disagree with anything you said Sarah Beth, because everyone is different and has to set their own boundaries. So again, no judging here on my part of any either of you because I agree with most of what you said anyway.

BUT, that's a good idea. I rather think that your FIL and maybe some family members need to help out more. I think they need jobs so they won't be in each other's faces so much. Why not get some of them together and say, hey, I need help with this garden. Hey, can you take on this chore? Tell them hey, I want a big garden so that you all can come and grab what you want without me having to worry about having enough for my own meals. So help me water, weed, harvest, spray, etc....(something they can do on their own for a while). Make it their own responsibility. It'll give your FIL something to do and be good for his self esteem. Plus he won't be in your face for a while.

Actually, I can't get of certain people fast enough than when I give them something to do

Maybe that's how I get *my* quiet time away from them

If they're not willing to help, then there are more issues than them just being in your face. Especially if they're standing around doing nothing but make your life crazy.