help me deal with this

[freshegg]

well she doesnt know how lucky she is to have a gram that loves her. my gram had 8 kids and she is only civil to 2 and there must be 35 grandchildren and shes only civil to 2. I will always love every grandchild I m blessed to have.

 

[UrbanChickenMama]

Quote:
I respectfully disagree with this part. Do not do this in writing. There are too many things that go wrong with that. Intent is lost. Body cues are not there. You could do more damage by doing it in writing. Please just speak with her - in person - not write.

 

[Chickerdoodle13]

I have to agree with BayCityBabe here. YOU are the adult. Giving her the silent treatment is hurting you as much as it is hurting her.

I doubt she intended to hurt you by not giving a card. I admit, I forget to call people on their birthdays all the time...even my own parents! My mom is constantly reminding me to call people. She even had to remind me to call my dad on his birthday this year. I don't mean to forget these things, but I'm almost 20 and life just gets busy. Between school, work, and everything else, things very easily slip my mind.

You have to remember that giving someone the silent treatment, or acting cold towards them without explanation only drives them away. It's like punishing a dog an hour after it had an accident on the floor. The dog has no idea why you are punishing it, and this only upsets both you and the dog. People are much the same way.

Remember that she did come to say goodbye to you before she left for college. Going away to school is a HUGE and very scary thing for a teen...especially if they have never been away from home before. How do you think acting cold towards her made her feel before this big life change? That may very well have influenced her actions on Thanksgiving.

I think what needs to happen here is that you should be the bigger person and apologize to her (Even though you may not feel as if you did anything wrong). Explain to her how you feel and why you feel that way. She may not apologize right away, but you will know that you did the right thing. The most important thing is to listen to her. Let her know you are always there. She is moving very quickly towards an adult world and should be old enough to listen to you. However, talking with her may reveal more about her than you already know and it is very likely that there is more going on than you can see.

When she is home for break over the holidays, offer to go to lunch or invite her over for a special meal. Spend the afternoon talking. It took me a while to realize just how valuable the relationship with my grandparents really is. I really don't think she is being rude or disrespectful. She is treating you the way she feels you are treating her...and she has no idea why you are treating her that way. I think a lot of this issue just has a lot to do with a misunderstanding and it would truly be a shame for the relationship to suffer over something like that.

I do wish you the best of luck. I know how hard these kinds of situations can be...especially when emotions just get in the way! It's never good to let these things fester though. I can bet that talking about it with her will make you feel a hundred times better.

 

[Verboten]

I didn’t get whether you were her maternal or paternal grandparent. - Either way, I would bet that she was reminded of the other grandmother’s birthday by the corresponding parent (who may have also purchased the card/gift) - maybe the problem is not with you at all but with your son or daughter (even if they remembered they might not have stressed the importance enough with their child). The yearbook thing might have been totally unrelated and could have happened just like she said, maybe?

You need to make sure your feelings are known - not talking to someone certainly does not get that done. My grandparent’s lifetimes did not overlap my own - you are both very fortunate, make the most of it!

Best of luck to you.

 

[SarahBeth9394]

You know I would venture a guess and say that you probably have no idea what it takes to get into college these days. High school is 10 times harder than it was when I was there 20+ years ago. They are teaching stuff in high school these days in their freshman years that was college level when I went. And if she was involved with any school activities like sports, band, or dance team that makes it even more busy. Her running out of time for the year book is completely understandable. You said you put it behind you but clearly you didn't.

A missed birthday card from someone who is going through a major life change isn't something to get so upset over. She visited you 2 times in about 1 months time which is more than most grandparents get and you gave her the silent treatment at a visit where she was leaving for college over a birthday card. We live 1500 miles from my inlaws and they would love to be able to see their grandkids as often as you did.

She definitely has growing up to do. But that is expected in an 18 year old who is feeling pressure like she's never felt before. Teens do not understand the cost of parties and vehicles because they still haven't had to work and earn those thing for themselves. Her actions are totally normal for her age and maturity.

But really she isn't the only one who has growing up to do. It's a sad day when a grown woman (a grandparent) gives a teen (yes she's a teen, 18 is not a magic number that means she gained wisdom overnight through osmosis) the silent treatment over a birthday card, is jealous that she gave the "other" grans some attention, and speaks of her love for said teen in the past tense. Yes you said you "loved" her; maybe unintentionally but I think it says a whole lot.

It's not her fault that her parent made sure a card was given to one gran and not the other. A card that was more than likely purchased by the parent in the first place.

Then there's the chance that this girl is more mature than we all think. Maybe she was so secure in your love for her that she never would have dreamed you would cut her off for forgetting to send a card when she was going through such a dramatic life change.

I am sorry I sound harsh. I don't mean to be. But sometimes the truth is harsh and that applies to everyone, myself included. Not all of life's lessons are easy.

 

[coffeemama]

I didn't read all of the replies, but I do agree that it is pretty normal for an 18 year old to be self absorbed, and what comes across as rude. She may be so comfortable around you that she doesn't think you need cards and such from her. Maybe she has been taught to send cards and go out of the way for her other grandparents, but knows you better, and thinks you don't need these kind of formalities. Whatever the case, I'm sorry she has hurt your feelings, and I hope you two can get past in soon.