How is this right? (Warning: Angry venting)

[RedIII]

So I'm very sorry to create such a negative post, and if you don't want bad feelings, I encourage you to ignore this thread and find one that is more wholesome.

I am feeling exceedingly angry and frustrated right now. I have a dear friend who is going through a horrible divorce. His wife has done a number of things, including cheating, lying, stealing from him, and mentally/emotionally abusing him. As if things weren't bad enough, all she wants is money. Money money money. She doesn't care who she hurts, not even her own kids. And thanks to the incompetent lawyer he has had, my friend now has to pay her a staggering amount of alimony, in a non-alimony state, despite the fact that he is working two jobs and paying all the bills, and she works part time and pays nothing. He barely even has money for food.

How do people think this is okay? More than that, why is it that the people who are so downright nasty and contemptible get away with everything? I am struggling with feeling very violent toward her right now, which I know is not right. I have tried and tried and tried to let go of things and just look forward to the good things in the future, but seeing someone hurt one of my friends so badly makes me very upset. My friend is a very patient, kind person who has put up with years of this bad behavior in their marriage. The rabbit hole goes a lot deeper than that, but if I tried to explain it all, we'd be here all day and I still wouldn't feel better.

I just feel so upset that people think it's acceptable to treat other people so poorly, let alone their own family member. I don't know how the justice system got so screwed up. I don't know what to do or think right now. It makes me sick for my friend. Divorce is such an ugly thing. And people like this are even worse.

 

[EweSheep]

All you can do is be there for him, giving him emotional support. I've got male friends that got shafted by their ex wives as well. Once the court was settled, they were OK. Some had to go for therapy or counseling to get rid of the anger. And what she is doing to the kids are NOT the best interest for them. She has to be a bigger person to get over that anger she felt toward him and be civil when they are meeting each other to pick up or drop off the kids. Be a better person, not playing tricks.

Yeah courts don't go all what we wanted them to do.

 

[RedIII]

Thanks for the reply, EweSheep. It just helps to know that I'm not the only one who doesn't agree with this kind of stuff. I've been doing my best to support him how I can, but it's tough going.

 

[Mattemma]

Divorce brings out the nasties in people.My personal experience was that you paid the lawyers,and then the lawyers and judges decided your fate behind closed doors. I did not like that.

Patience and counseling.Plus a new attorney to get that alimony changed.Support the kids yes,but there should not be alinomy imo EVER. It just seems wrong to have to support an EX spouse. Things will get better.Counseling for the kids too since the mother is behaving poorly with them.Court ordered if she fights it.She shouldn't,but she might because the kids will expose any improper comments she makes to a counselor. I would not let that slide.

 

[chickened]

I am going to put a little spin on this that some may not like so don't get mad at me.

Divorce should be hell on earth it should be a deterrant for getting one. Except for abuse and cheating I think people should have to work a little harder to get along before courts hand out divorces. It is rare that one side is to blame most of the time we only hear one side of the story and never hear the cause that started the two people to seperate only the reactions to the dislikes that each other have for each other. The root cause is usually two people not willing to forgive each other but rather hell bent on revenge. If one or the other truly wants out then I suppose they should do that but not give up so easily. Some women have figured out the key to a man's heart.

And to the OP yes it is very hard on freinds and children... another reason to try harder to make it work.

 

[thaiturkey]

I see what you mean, chickened, but as Courts don't interfere in weddings they should not prevent divorces. The process of divorce is often hell on earth but a failed marriage is also hell and lasts longer if it isn't ended. Making a divorce more traumatic than it need be or preventing a divorce is potentially very damaging to the children involved and that's the most important thing.

Anyway, views on divorce are personal and we don't want to drift off topic.

Going back to the OP, the friend's experience is all too common and I have seen some very painful examples of it. There's often an assumption that the husband is the bad guy and the wife is given more favour than him when it comes to a settlement. The truth can be quite different. I know of men who have been pained by the way that their children have been used as pawns in divorce and poisoned against their fathers by wives who want as much cash and property as they can get and would like to cut off father from children. I have seen cases of extreme vindictive greed that would make you weep for the guy.

It's difficult to know what to say to someone going through this. You mustn't tell them what they must do and mustn't do because that adds to the stress the guy is suffering already. Often, they want only a trusted friend to listen to them as they verbalise their grief. You can suggest what they might do and leave it to them. Perhaps, the only compensation that they can look forward to is that they will be free of a very nasty period in their lives and eventually find something better. What they created for the future has died, whatever the cause, and it takes time to adjust to that and move on, hopefully with lesson learned.

 

[they'reHISchickens]

And for every man who is mistreated by a vicious wife, there is a wife who is mistreated by a controlling husband. neither is fair or right and the courts seldom bother to find out the truth because the lawyers are too busy collecting their fees. The kids are always in the middle, and sometimes they come out stronger for it and oftimes they need therapy.
I left my ex whom everyone thought was wonderful-- except my kids knew the truth. If we could have agreed, we would still be married, but we couldn't so we aren't and we are both better off emotionally for it-- as are our kids.
I have adult children dealing with spouses who are emotionally unstable and using the children as pawns. My solution at my advanced age? I really think there is something to the Jewish Matchmaker in marriages. They look beyond love to match the things really important in a couple.
To your friend who is suffering now... he will improve and get stronger as he has distance from this situation. It takes time and distance. Sometimes Lots of both.

 

[Capvin]

I want to say first that the advise given by Chickened in the above post is the best advise that can be given to any married couple thinking about a divorce. Second, it is foolish to blame the Courts, judges and lawyers, especially in Utah which, like many other states, has "No Fault" divorce. That basically means that the Courts are not interested in affairs and almost any other reason why one wants a divorce. All one needs to do is say the marriage is irretrievably broken and that is enough for a divorce. As for alimony, regardless of ones feelings about whether it is good or bad, each state has its own laws and rules that govern alimony. Generally where you have one spouse that works and another that does not the Courts will grant rehabilitative alimony to the non working spouse. Today, for the most part, divorce (they do not even call it divorce any longer) is pretty cut and dried. When emotions come into play it is because the two parties (or at least one) wants to kill the other. In fact, in Utah, dissolution of marriage is so easy that it is recommended that you do not even need an attorney. The forms are all standardized and you can fill them out and go into Court on your own and get the divorce and the result will probably be the same as if you got an attorney. It may also be significant for the above poster to know that PA is also a No Fault divorce state and the Courts would have had no interest in discovering anything.