How to deal with bullying

[Xtina]

I read every post in this thread and you sound like a good mom in my book. I wish I had some sound advice for this situation but I really don't. I have a friend named Corey who had absolutely great parents... his sister had a good head on her shoulders, always did well in school.. but he always had something about him. He got in trouble at school constantly, he was very physical in how he played and it often times hurt other kids... I just don't know how to explain it. He had 2 DUI's and 5 MIPs(minor in possession) by the time he was 20 years old. He's 25 now and works a killer job and has a fiancee and a two year old. I swear to god he didn't mature until he was 22 years old. But I can honestly say he's a changed man. I like that you aren't overly judgmental of the kid's parents because I think sometimes people are just born with that behavior in them.. innate.

I do agree with the other posters about keeping a keen eye on your child because he's only two. I feel bad for the other parents.. Imagine being the family in the neighborhood with the problematic kid. Yikes. Is there any chance his parents are divorced? I'm not passing judgment on any divorced couples but it could be a contributing factor to the way the kid is acting out... but even then, at 6 years old do you really even know what divorce is? I guess I only have knowledge of raising poultry, not humans.

Somehow I missed this post the first time. Just wanted to quickly say thanks for the compliment and no, the kid's parents are not divorced. And that I kind of have this same prediction for this boy's future. His dad was sort of a trouble-maker growing up, but now he is a very nice, caring, giving person who is deeply committed to his community and very devoted to fairness and equality. I just think he's high energy and so is his kid and they need to have that directed into a good place when they finally mature and then everything will be fine. I'm just not willing to wait 20 years for this kid to become decent.

 

[Xtina]

Do you feel that your child is safe around this kid? If yes, then you don't have to do anything. If no, then you need to make your opinion known to the kids parents.

Seriously, they have a problem on their hand that will not diminish as the kid gets older.

And to answer this, no, I do not feel as though my child is safe around this kid and I don't think I ever will unless I see dramatic change out of him.

And to clarify for everyone who has said something about making the rules for my house and such, I should say that we almost never hang out as a neighborhood in my house. Almost 100% of the community gatherings/play are at other houses. I have two bad dogs and a cluttered home that make it not very inviting here. So basically, to protect my kid means not letting him play with the kids on the same block we live on, which is pretty much unacceptable to me. That doesn't mean I'm going to let him play with this boy anymore, it just means I'm thoroughly upset and dissatisfied with this state of affairs.

 

[redhen]

I wouldn't lose my neighborhood friends... thats not fair to you or them if its something that you enjoy.
Its simply a fact of keeping your kid in your eyesight when that other kid is around...
Thats not abnormal as hes only 2 years old anyways,...

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

A two year old should not really be playing regularly with a five year old--even a well-behaved one--anyways; they are too far apart in age and development. Your son needs to spend most of his social playing time with children closer to his age and development level. For the neighborhood get-togethers, either hire a baby sitter and leave your son at home, or hire a sitter to supervise the toddlers: to the point of keeping them all together in a designated location with fun activities that are age appropriate, and do not include the older kids. Make a point of it being a TODDLER group.

You might want to look for a playgroup that has kids of similar ages as your son. And you might want to consider locking up the dogs, or sending them to obedience school, and straightening the house enough for playdates and for a neighbor to come over to visit while your children play occasionally.

 

[ooptec]

hey,

Read my way thru the threads and I don't have kids so no experience that way, and my own 60's childhood didn't involve bullies so no goin' to the well there. Personally didn't encounter bullies till high school.

Took awhile for the penny to drop. Not that it helps.

A younger couple I know (city I grew up in) once complained that they would send their kids out to play (in suburbia) as they did coming from a smaller city. They reported being dismayed as none of the other kids on the block were permitted to come out and play in case there was someone lurking to snatch their kids (I believe it's called the CNN effect here)

Curiouser and curiouser as alice would say

cheers

 

[mom'sfolly]

I'm skipping some of the posts and going on to my comments, so forgive me if I miss some things that other people have already said.

You have said you have the youngest child in the group. This is why you have to get up and supervise. I live on a cul de sac, in a close neighborhood. My kids were five before they played outside, in the front, alone. Almost every other family was the same way.

I will say any 2-year-old needs to be supervised, full-time, while outdoors with other children. Maybe not in the backyard, but any small child playing with older kids is at a disadvantage, physically and socially. The older child may not understand that your child cannot participate in the same way, and may resent a younger, less capable child trying to play. Your job is to do the best for your child, not to follow neighborhood conventions that say small children do not need to be supervised. Children as young as your child don't have the judgement to be outside alone. They don't know to get out of the way of cars, to stay away from strange animals, to get out of older kids games, etc. Who cares if your neighbors think you are a helicopter parent. You are a parent of a young child, you're supposed to be there. They did it when their children were that age.

On my street, the only family who let their younger children play outside unsupervised were not very popular with the rest of the families. Their children had very loose ideas of what they were allowed to play with. They took things from other people's garages, no on had ever told them that was inappropriate. They also got in the way of cars, no one told them not to. Their young girl, outside alone from 2 years on, was at risk from any predator (luckily, we're in a safe area). They got in front of the older kids bikes, skateboards and scooters; and the older kids got hurt avoiding hurting the little kids. They got in the middle of ball games, again putting themselves at risk of being hurt. They and their parents did a lot of stupid stuff because supervision was not part of their parenting plan.

 

[Xtina]

Well, I just wanted to follow up on this thread because I'm struggling again.

Since I made this original post, I have decreased my child's contact with the bullying boy by about 90%. It's impossible to limit it 100% because we live 3 doors down, I work with his dad, and his best friend (and neighbor) is cousins with the bad little boy. I can't take a walk with my son without potentially exposing him to this kid and my son can't play with his best friend without potentially having to spend time with this other kid...because like I said, they're cousins and neighbors.

Two nights ago we had another neighborhood get-together and as I have ever since the arrow incident, I watched my son like a hawk. I followed his every movement, if not with my body, then with my eyes. I've actually found it more effective to watch where the bully is, and if he's anywhere near my kid, then keep my eye on the bully instead of my kid, because then I can anticipate problems earlier.

Well, it was the same old situation as ever. My son isn't allowed by the bully to touch anything at all in the house. Every other kid in the neighborhood can basically have free reign with the toys, but as soon as my kid tries to play, the bully is up, snatching things from him, or shoving him away from any seating. He's totally been singled out as the person to exclude and it really really hurts me on the inside. I try to set boundaries for my kid to avoid setting him off, like teaching him which are the bully's most special toys that he doesn't let anyone play with and not letting my son touch those either, but it doesn't matter what he does, the bully just sets about trying to shut him out, and there's no amount of talking to him or mean looks I can give him that make any difference. It's killing me, because I was excluded from groups too as a kid, and my son was afraid to follow all the other kids into the bedroom where they were playing. And he was right to be afraid, because when I walked in there with him, all the snatching and shoving started, so I had to take him back out. And did any of the nicer kids follow him? No, they just let him be excluded by the bully - even his best friends and the sweet little girls. I know kids will do that to avoid becoming targets of the bully themselves, so I'm not really upset with the other kids.

This whole thing just hurts me so much. Like I said, I'm being extra affected by my own childhood baggage and now I'm letting my history affect my son. My husband says I'm being overprotective and that I can't prevent him from exposure to jerks for his life, but my son is not quite 3 and the bully is just about 6 now and I don't feel like him being in my son's life is good for my son in any way at this stage. Basically because I can't get aggressive with the kid, I have to bend all the normal rules backwards and just make feeble excuses to my kid, like "no one ever taught him to share...." so basically he doesn't have to share (which is what I try not to add, but is 100% true).

And it really, really stinks for me. These are the kids in our neighborhood. I can't make them be magically younger and nicer. If my son can't play with them, it means he can't play with anyone. Luckily, he has really good childcare environments, so it's not like he gets no socialization, but it's just so roaringly unfair in my mind that I can't bear it. I look at him and I think back to my childhood and I wish someone could have conveyed to me in a way that I would have believed it, that when someone is excluding you it's not because there's something wrong with you - it's that something's wrong with them. My son is just the most amazing kid (I know every mom wants to say that, but he is) and there's not a thing wrong with him that would cause him to be singled out for exclusion...it's not right and it's not fair. But I wouldn't have believed it from any adult as a kid, because I was the one being singled out, not anyone else, and so it makes you feel like something is wrong with you. And there's no way to convince a kid who that is happening to that it's really the other way around. I've had to remove myself almost completely from what was once an ideal social situation for me and my family and I'm so, so mad about it.

 

[KristyHall]

Well, I just wanted to follow up on this thread because I'm struggling again.

Since I made this original post, I have decreased my child's contact with the bullying boy by about 90%. It's impossible to limit it 100% because we live 3 doors down, I work with his dad, and his best friend (and neighbor) is cousins with the bad little boy. I can't take a walk with my son without potentially exposing him to this kid and my son can't play with his best friend without potentially having to spend time with this other kid...because like I said, they're cousins and neighbors.

Two nights ago we had another neighborhood get-together and as I have ever since the arrow incident, I watched my son like a hawk. I followed his every movement, if not with my body, then with my eyes. I've actually found it more effective to watch where the bully is, and if he's anywhere near my kid, then keep my eye on the bully instead of my kid, because then I can anticipate problems earlier.

Well, it was the same old situation as ever. My son isn't allowed by the bully to touch anything at all in the house. Every other kid in the neighborhood can basically have free reign with the toys, but as soon as my kid tries to play, the bully is up, snatching things from him, or shoving him away from any seating. He's totally been singled out as the person to exclude and it really really hurts me on the inside. I try to set boundaries for my kid to avoid setting him off, like teaching him which are the bully's most special toys that he doesn't let anyone play with and not letting my son touch those either, but it doesn't matter what he does, the bully just sets about trying to shut him out, and there's no amount of talking to him or mean looks I can give him that make any difference. It's killing me, because I was excluded from groups too as a kid, and my son was afraid to follow all the other kids into the bedroom where they were playing. And he was right to be afraid, because when I walked in there with him, all the snatching and shoving started, so I had to take him back out. And did any of the nicer kids follow him? No, they just let him be excluded by the bully - even his best friends and the sweet little girls. I know kids will do that to avoid becoming targets of the bully themselves, so I'm not really upset with the other kids.

This whole thing just hurts me so much. Like I said, I'm being extra affected by my own childhood baggage and now I'm letting my history affect my son. My husband says I'm being overprotective and that I can't prevent him from exposure to jerks for his life, but my son is not quite 3 and the bully is just about 6 now and I don't feel like him being in my son's life is good for my son in any way at this stage. Basically because I can't get aggressive with the kid, I have to bend all the normal rules backwards and just make feeble excuses to my kid, like "no one ever taught him to share...." so basically he doesn't have to share (which is what I try not to add, but is 100% true).

And it really, really stinks for me. These are the kids in our neighborhood. I can't make them be magically younger and nicer. If my son can't play with them, it means he can't play with anyone. Luckily, he has really good childcare environments, so it's not like he gets no socialization, but it's just so roaringly unfair in my mind that I can't bear it. I look at him and I think back to my childhood and I wish someone could have conveyed to me in a way that I would have believed it, that when someone is excluding you it's not because there's something wrong with you - it's that something's wrong with them. My son is just the most amazing kid (I know every mom wants to say that, but he is) and there's not a thing wrong with him that would cause him to be singled out for exclusion...it's not right and it's not fair. But I wouldn't have believed it from any adult as a kid, because I was the one being singled out, not anyone else, and so it makes you feel like something is wrong with you. And there's no way to convince a kid who that is happening to that it's really the other way around. I've had to remove myself almost completely from what was once an ideal social situation for me and my family and I'm so, so mad about it.