how would you take this or deal with this?

[Gonzo]

Me & Rawrs dad had been together for almost 20yrs.... we've been divorced over 10yrs... Since my ex~husbands mom has died, his girlfriend (who I really like) is at his house 24/7. She's a really sweet girl, I think this is her first big love.. Shes in her early 20's, he's 39. Rawr has been complaining that Dad has no Dad & Me time for her with the girlfriend being there. She's constantly complaining that the girlfriend is "up her dad's butt" so far its sicking! I tried explaining to her that GF is very young etc.... I mentioned it to my ex. I don't want Rawr hating this gal! She's so sweet, and really likes Rawr! Anyway, EX seems irratated with Rawr for feeling this way, and went on to say he feels like everytime Rawr comes over she stays in her room or pilfers through his stuff! After Rawrs grandma died she took a ring that looked to be insignificant and a cookbook...(I was not aware these things were not given to her...I think she felt entilted, made her give them back) He was really really hateful! Said if she was going to be like that then he had no time for her and did not want her there! It really PMO! Bad! I told him this is your Daughter you're talking about!!!! He said so! Thats how I feel! Now she won't even talk to her Dad, and won't go over on his weekends! My Ex is a real jerk! But he's always been good to her! I hate this! How would you handle this? I tried to get her dad to do something with her, just them two.... he made it perfectly clear It ain't happening!

 

[phaethona]

wow thats a tough one. sounds like he's having a hard time setting aside his own emotions(which could easily be made worse by his loss). I have three daughters so I know how important the dad/daughter relationship is, you must be really frustrated

I'd say first thing, patience. he could be isolating his emotions to act out pain(doesn't make it right, but...) and she could be hurting pretty badly as well.
when the conversational opportunities arise, remind both of them that they still love each other no matter what. and be a listening ear whenever possible.
since the girlfriend is around, and you all get along and she loves him so much, she may have an idea or two as to how to help you make some peace.
I'm sorry you're in such a tough spot. hang in there, stay positive, and hopefully things will iron out soon.

 

[WingingIt]

Ah, yes, the focus on the new love and forget putting effort in with the kids.....my Dad did it, I have a friend who's ex is doing it to their two DDs right now, too.

Normal frustrations and arguments are expected and they just have to work that out themselves but if the girlfriend is really that great, maybe you can enlist her help? Tell her that DD is feeling a bit jealous (hormones, age, being his DD and not seeing him enough) and you wonder if she'll help get X to plan something he can do with DD just the two of them so they can reconnect? Thank her profusely, tell her you know it's an imposition on their relationship for a bit and you wouldn't ask if you felt they weren't drifting apart and really needed it. Odds are she'll be able to talk him into it easily. Then, afterwards, you can use that to remind DD that girlfriend isn't that bad, she DID volunteer to step back so they could spend some one on one time.

 

[redhen]

Its a tough one alright...

I dont know how old she is.. but... i'd say that if she feels uncomfortable with him and her right now.... then i'd kinda let it be her choice for right now..
BUT..i would still try to get her dad to take just her out somewhere, just the 2 of them.
He dosent seem right...

 

[WingingIt]

Came back to say that if Dad won't put in any effort, don't make her go over there because they'll both just be miserable.

 

[PineappleMama]

Wow. Geez that IS a hard one....

Okay, your first concern is DD... hence you wanting her bonding with dad right?

Well, maybe for a little while you could think of him as a friend of hers instead of dad?

If she was having a tiff with a friend would you force her to hang out with them? Have sleepovers? Etc.

Or would you stand back and let them get over their mad and work things out?

Losing someone makes people a little weird, and GF/Me Time issues, it all adds up. Maybe if there's a break and they can deal with the loss themselves then they'll be able to come together later? Could also be that GF is hovering because she's worried about him since he lost him mom.

Likewise losing Grama may have DD worried that others she loves might be next... pretty common actually... so she's also wanting to hover and be reassured he's not going anywhere.

I guess if you have to talk to him about it then I'd mention that theory... maybe if he sees it that way he'll be willing to work on it? DD, might tell her that that was his Mama he lost, and that GF is trying to help him. Not trying to take over.

I donno... depends so much on each person... you know them best... cool off period then talk... or talk and hope for the best... could go either way.

 

[patnjess]

oh oh I have insite from both views.
My dad ditched me when he married again when i was 12. He now won't even call me his daughter, and I'm 32. I says he has 2 kids, the ones with his new wife. It hurt bad. And if you force her over there then it will hurt worse. But I would be talking logically to dad, and telling him what he is throwing away.

When I met my husband I was 25. He was 37. He had a 12, and 7 y/o. The 12 y/o hated me. Was mean to my face, I kissed her butt bought her things whatever~! Well when she hit 15 she wanted to date and such, and we don't believe in that, we caught her doing silly things, that had to be corrected, but totally not major, I have done far worse!
ANyway so she and her mom started talking....Her mom had been out of her life since she was 8.
so my step-daughter wanted to go live there. My husband was having none of that. So she started claiming I was abusing her (she weighs alot more then me) and her handicapped sister!
He believed them.
He unlike your ex, would throw me under the bus constantly~ Even if I told them to brush their hair, whatever, I was told it was not my job and to leave his girls alone.
It was nuts!
so anyway I set up a secret camera and confronted her with the lies, she said she was sorry but whatever she had to do to move out.
He still wouldn't let her
So she started saying he abused her.
He let her go.
She moved in with her mom, who let her get tattooed and pierced, let her boyfriend move in and drop out of school.

So I don't know what I was saying, but its a tough situation.
Never talk bad about dad or girlfriend, but don't force her to go over there, and try and talk with the ex that is what I would do.

 

[MandyH]

Don't make her go if she is uncomfortable. I was in a similar situation and as I grew older I figured out on my own who loved me and who had to "have me for the weekend".