Husband just died

[bargain]

GIve yourself time to grieve and mourn....It has not been a long time at all.... Focus on your daughter now. Don't worry about if , when, and how you will meet "the one".... Focus on riding and or other hobbies. Take care and praying for you! Nancy

 

[michickenwrangler]

I appreciate everyone who took the time to answer.

I'm going stir-crazy. I have nothing to do or even think about or to look forward to. The house is clean, mostly organized, all my chores are done. I've planted everything that can be planted in early May in Michigan. Dishes are done, laundry is done. I can't read a book because I can't stand reading about people who "find true love" or even "lose true love" and with the exception of King of the Hill and the Simpsons, I have a hard time watching TV. Heck, on Desperate Housewives the other night when Lynette and Tom decided to separate, I just lost it. Also lost it when Carlos defended Gabby since I realized that there is no one to defend me now. Not that I have a stepfather to come in and assault me, but still, the idea.

Again, the realization that this stir-craziness and loneliness are the rest of my life is what is really getting to me. I suppose I *should* do something, but I honestly can't think of anything to do. I can't even bond with my daughter, in my mind she was always more "Wayne's" child than mine. The pregnancy was unplanned and while he was overjoyed that I was pregnant, I never wanted kids of my own. Through her young life she was in day care while I worked and went to college and then when she was school age, Wayne was the one who got her off the bus and attended conferences while I was at my own conferences for my students. Wayne was the one who took her to hair and dr. appts and was with her while I was traveling with the horse all over the state competing and riding. I do love my daughter, but if truth be told, I have a much closer bond with my horse and dog than her.

And ye gods, who on earth is going to want a single mom who not only has a child but chickens and horses and dogs that shed?

And somehow without my noticing it, all my guy friends from college and elsewhere suddenly were married or in long-term relationships. When I run into them, I enjoy talking with them, but it's superficial and they all have their own women to go home to. And some of them have made it very plain that they don't want me talking to their husbands. I doubt their husbands are attracted to me, mainly because when I'm talking to them I'm in Carhartts and baggy jeans with my hair braided up in a bun and we're usually talking about tar paper or screen doors.

Heck, I'm not sure where to even meet men besides the bars and the local casino but I don't want a drinker and/or a gambler. A friend suggested church but since I'm not religious, I would be the ultimate hypocrite if I started going to church to meet men.

 

[chickengrl]

I can't say it better than anyone else. But.... Don't rush it too much, and don't end up with a guy just because he seems somewhat interested in you. You deserve better and have been through so much. Grieving a spouse, even though he sounds a little difficult, can take a year or more. You will still be young and pretty when the time comes. A guy should like you for who you really are on the inside and outside. Try to focus more on building friendships among folks who enjoy doing similiar things that you enjoy. I am thinking maybe some horse friends. There are some good guys out there, and when the time comes they will still be there. This guy friend, I am hating to say it, doesn't seem all that interested. If he really was, he would find a way to get hold of you. You deserve someone who will be way more IN to you. Try to wait for it, there is nothing better. Hang in there, and

 

[lavenderlakefarm]

I just wanted to say sorry for your loss. I'm not going to lecture but you need to grieve and you can't rush this. I will be thinking about you.

 

[WriterofWords]

And ye gods, who on earth is going to want a single mom who not only has a child but chickens and horses and dogs that shed?

Speaking strictly from experience,,,, a lot of men will. I've been single for almost 20 years by choice, not because of the lack of men out there. I even gave up using the kid and animals as a threat to get rid of them lol!!​

 

[turney31]

Quote:
Speaking strictly from experience,,,, a lot of men will. I've been single for almost 20 years by choice, not because of the lack of men out there. I even gave up using the kid and animals as a threat to get rid of them lol!!

My Dh married me with 3 children, horses, dogs and cats. He has no children of his own but is a better father than their bio Dad. I do understand the loneliness.

Don't settle.

 

[I have WHAT in my yard?]

You are just getting started on this road. You're husband died very suddenly. It has only been 3 months?? You should give yourself your word not to date at all for a year. If you promise yourself you won't do it for a year you know it will be by choice.

It will be a year before you are "yourself" again. The men you know and you deserve you to take the time to heal. If there is a guy (and there will be, trust me) he'll understand you need to wait a year and he'll wait. If he is not willing to wait he just would have hurt you anyway and gosh, who needs that?

 

[annaraven]

Quote:
Stop looking for a man. Start looking for your self.

What did you want to be when you grew up? What did you always want to do? What are your interests that you had before you were married? Sit down and spend some time reconnecting with your interests - those things you maybe put aside because they didn't "fit" with your married life? What things did you always want to learn more about or try?

Then, decide one action step you can take to move toward at least one of those things. Then, do it.

Once you reconnect with your self, and find things you like to do that keep you busy and happy and are no longer stir crazy, the right man will find you.

This may sound harsh but it's not intended that way. You deserve time to grieve and time to heal. You deserve to love yourself, and to find your passion.

 

[wolftracks]

I was just thinking about you the other day and wondering how you were.

Did you use the site I sent you the link too?

It's been 10 months for me. I'm not handling anything very well. I try. I vegetate in here. LOL

I was kind of worried about you before and now I'm sorry that what I was worried about may be happening.

I'm older, but I remember thinking how old I was at 30. Man did I feel ugly. Then I finally went to pull some pictures out this weekend to put on the bare walls here and there was one of my and me and #6 kid. I was 39 and I didn't look to dang bad! I've aged 30 years since Bill died though.

But I was 40 with a baby, 5 kids from grown to elementary school and I had given up on men. Then someone tried to fix me up with Bill. Was nothing like the men I thought were my type, but man did he grow on me. He became my best and then my only friend. But I I was 40! I hadn't be alone, obviously, but I wasn't with anyone I wanted to keep, just borrow. Bill was a keeper. I was so lucky to have him and we were only married 11 days shy of 11 years.

Grieving, is still grieving, even if there were bad times. You lost part of your life and that means you've changed. Loneliness will tear you apart, but sometimes we try and find some comfort and then find out it wasn't what we really wanted. Even if you think you do now. You've already lost so much and anyone who hasn't lost a spouse has no idea what the lose does to us.

I've lost a child, 2 sisters, my mom and dad and stepdad and other close family members like grandparent and uncles and aunts. Last year I lost my mom in April, may dad 9 days later in May and then Bill in July. I'm a space case. As much as I lost, Bill was the hardest. For so so many reasons. Mainly because I loved him so much and no one ever loved me as much as he did. He also suffered from PTSD from serving in Vietnam. Man when that messed with him everyone knew to back off and leave him alone, but then he'd be back to the real him and what a transformation.

You're the only one who knows if you are truely ready, but stop for a secind and think. Are so so lonely that you aren't going to take the time to fins someone you deserve or are you lonely but want the best possible life and love of it to be with forever. OK we both know what forever means, but you get it. I've settled before. I was miserable for years. Gave up on men and along came Bill.

Do the things you like to do, do things for you and your daughter and something great will happen. I know it will.

Now me? Yeah I'm 54 and done, but you aren't. You're too good of a person to sell yourself short and not get the best in life.

((HUGS))

 

[welsummerchicks]

Give it time. I have seen many mothers wind up having a very, very different relationship with their daughters after they are widowed.