I have been searching the internet for somewhere to talk to discuss and to cry my hurt out, yet I can't seem to find what Im looking for. So I came back here, where there always seems to be someone who cares, someone who will listen and talk and maybe help me feel better.
Some of you know my story, some of you don't so I her it is. I am 27 years old, I am married to a man I love but who does not deal with feelings very well and hates it when I cry. Last July my oldest sister, the one I am the most like, the one I look like, was diagnosed with end stage pancreatic cancer. She lived in Colorado, I live in Iowa. In August they did a surgery to try to remove the tumor only to find that the tumor was the size of her pancreas. They rerouted things so she could eat what she wanted without being in severe pain, and gave her 6-8 months without chemo or 8 months to a year with chemo. She went without, as she didn't want to spend the time she had left in pain. She came "home" for a week in October, I went to my moms where she was staying and spent 4 days with her. ( I had recently lost my job and started a new one, so taking more time could of meant loosing my job) then went back to work, then went back to say goodbye, possibly for the last time. It was so hard saying bye knowing I might never see her again, I couldn't stop crying. She called me two days later to say she was moving home in November. I promised myself that no matter what I would spend every minute I could with her when she came back. Then life got in the way. She came back on a monday the week before thanksgiving. I worked the whole week, I could of gone after work, but I didn't, I could of gone before work, but I didn't. The follow tuesday I was planning to go down and stay the night with her. They called the night before to say she was in the hosptial because of blood clots in her legs so instead I went to the hospital tuesday and I sat with her for a couple hours, she was very tired and I felt like I was keeping her awake, so I left. She had asked me to please come down for thanksgiving on that Thursday, I had the day off, and though I had to work at 4:30 the next morning I decided to go. I am so glad I did. It was a wonderful thanksgiving, me my two sisters, my brother, mom and me and my other sisters husbands. She kept saying when are you going to stay the night with me, so we can talk. I assured her I would stay the night with her the following sunday as I didn't have to work. Mind you that my mom only lives 30 minutes from where I live/work at. The next day was "black friday" I work at Wal-mart so it was a pretty busy day. At around 9 I got a text message saying that they couldn't get her blood suger to even out and she was back at the hospital so they could fix it. I was to get off work at 1:30 and figured that was early enough to go see her in the hospital again. At 12:30 I had my last break and a message from my great neice( her grand daugher) who is 15 saying they didn't know if she was going to pull out of it. I thought she was over reacting, yet made plans to not be at work the next day so I could stay with her just in case. When I got off at 1:30 there was another message, from her daughter saying they thought she only had hours left. I left work crying, drove home screaming at god, at her, at life. I had a flat tire only 5 miles from home, and a guy gave me a ride the rest of the way. I had to sit there waiting for my sister in law to come get us, I sat on the floor held my dog and bawled like a baby, apoligizing to god and praying that she would wait till I got there. We made it to the hospital (over an hour away) and they where doing some tests so we sat in the family room and listened as a hospice nurse told us she got off at 7 and didn't think she would make it till then. It was around 5:30 at that time. When I went in the room she was laying there, she was cold, her breathing was labored and though she mumbled occasionally she was not concous. I held her hand, I wanted some time to myself with her, I wanted to talk to her, but how could I ask my family to leave? So I didn't. At 5:45 her breathing became spaced farther and farther apart and at 5:50 she died. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to see, my loving caring sister taking her last breaths. This was in November, and the pain is still so sharp. I can't think of her without crying, and it hurts so much to even breath some days, I go through my normal routine and manage to forget sometimes, I try to be happy, I try to ignore it but it just hurts so much. My husband ... well its easier to just not let him know, he gets almost mad at me when I cry, and when I try to explain it to him I just cry more, My living sister, is dealing badly as well, I think. I don't really want to bother her with my grief. I feel so guilty for not going down to see her more, for not having that talk she wanted, and I wonder what she wanted to tell me. She wrote us letters, but no one can find mine. In my husbands she asks him to give me lots of hugs and be understand and says she is most worried about me, and that if he isn't good to me she will thunk him on the head, but she hasn't. I hate god, I have tried so hard to lean on him, but I can't I just feel like he can't possibly be the loving caring god I thought he was because 1) he took my sister who was so sweet and 2) I havn't felt his love and caring now when I so need it I use to listen to Life 101.9 all the time and I loved those songs, now they make me cry and they make me mad, I feel like they are lies. She gave me a wall hanging a few years ago that says " Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see" I lived by that for years, now I hate looking at it, its a lie. I had Faith that God would not give me more then I could handle, yet he has, I had faith that God would help me through this when the time came but he hasn't, I had faith that God knew what he was doing, but I don't feel like that now. On top of all this, I have always wanted a child, been told I couldn't have one but I always felt like God would give me one when I was ready, Now even that seems like a stupid wish. IF he won't help me with this, why would he help me like that. She was the only one I could talk to about that. My husband has never really cared if we had kids or not, and is not willing to consider adoption, or fertility treatments (as if we could afford either one anyway) and so that adds to my depression. I need help, but I know not where to turn, or who to turn to. So I turned to you guys, the ones who have always been there to help me when I needed it the most.
Sorry to unload all this on you.
Melissa
Some of you know my story, some of you don't so I her it is. I am 27 years old, I am married to a man I love but who does not deal with feelings very well and hates it when I cry. Last July my oldest sister, the one I am the most like, the one I look like, was diagnosed with end stage pancreatic cancer. She lived in Colorado, I live in Iowa. In August they did a surgery to try to remove the tumor only to find that the tumor was the size of her pancreas. They rerouted things so she could eat what she wanted without being in severe pain, and gave her 6-8 months without chemo or 8 months to a year with chemo. She went without, as she didn't want to spend the time she had left in pain. She came "home" for a week in October, I went to my moms where she was staying and spent 4 days with her. ( I had recently lost my job and started a new one, so taking more time could of meant loosing my job) then went back to work, then went back to say goodbye, possibly for the last time. It was so hard saying bye knowing I might never see her again, I couldn't stop crying. She called me two days later to say she was moving home in November. I promised myself that no matter what I would spend every minute I could with her when she came back. Then life got in the way. She came back on a monday the week before thanksgiving. I worked the whole week, I could of gone after work, but I didn't, I could of gone before work, but I didn't. The follow tuesday I was planning to go down and stay the night with her. They called the night before to say she was in the hosptial because of blood clots in her legs so instead I went to the hospital tuesday and I sat with her for a couple hours, she was very tired and I felt like I was keeping her awake, so I left. She had asked me to please come down for thanksgiving on that Thursday, I had the day off, and though I had to work at 4:30 the next morning I decided to go. I am so glad I did. It was a wonderful thanksgiving, me my two sisters, my brother, mom and me and my other sisters husbands. She kept saying when are you going to stay the night with me, so we can talk. I assured her I would stay the night with her the following sunday as I didn't have to work. Mind you that my mom only lives 30 minutes from where I live/work at. The next day was "black friday" I work at Wal-mart so it was a pretty busy day. At around 9 I got a text message saying that they couldn't get her blood suger to even out and she was back at the hospital so they could fix it. I was to get off work at 1:30 and figured that was early enough to go see her in the hospital again. At 12:30 I had my last break and a message from my great neice( her grand daugher) who is 15 saying they didn't know if she was going to pull out of it. I thought she was over reacting, yet made plans to not be at work the next day so I could stay with her just in case. When I got off at 1:30 there was another message, from her daughter saying they thought she only had hours left. I left work crying, drove home screaming at god, at her, at life. I had a flat tire only 5 miles from home, and a guy gave me a ride the rest of the way. I had to sit there waiting for my sister in law to come get us, I sat on the floor held my dog and bawled like a baby, apoligizing to god and praying that she would wait till I got there. We made it to the hospital (over an hour away) and they where doing some tests so we sat in the family room and listened as a hospice nurse told us she got off at 7 and didn't think she would make it till then. It was around 5:30 at that time. When I went in the room she was laying there, she was cold, her breathing was labored and though she mumbled occasionally she was not concous. I held her hand, I wanted some time to myself with her, I wanted to talk to her, but how could I ask my family to leave? So I didn't. At 5:45 her breathing became spaced farther and farther apart and at 5:50 she died. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to see, my loving caring sister taking her last breaths. This was in November, and the pain is still so sharp. I can't think of her without crying, and it hurts so much to even breath some days, I go through my normal routine and manage to forget sometimes, I try to be happy, I try to ignore it but it just hurts so much. My husband ... well its easier to just not let him know, he gets almost mad at me when I cry, and when I try to explain it to him I just cry more, My living sister, is dealing badly as well, I think. I don't really want to bother her with my grief. I feel so guilty for not going down to see her more, for not having that talk she wanted, and I wonder what she wanted to tell me. She wrote us letters, but no one can find mine. In my husbands she asks him to give me lots of hugs and be understand and says she is most worried about me, and that if he isn't good to me she will thunk him on the head, but she hasn't. I hate god, I have tried so hard to lean on him, but I can't I just feel like he can't possibly be the loving caring god I thought he was because 1) he took my sister who was so sweet and 2) I havn't felt his love and caring now when I so need it I use to listen to Life 101.9 all the time and I loved those songs, now they make me cry and they make me mad, I feel like they are lies. She gave me a wall hanging a few years ago that says " Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see" I lived by that for years, now I hate looking at it, its a lie. I had Faith that God would not give me more then I could handle, yet he has, I had faith that God would help me through this when the time came but he hasn't, I had faith that God knew what he was doing, but I don't feel like that now. On top of all this, I have always wanted a child, been told I couldn't have one but I always felt like God would give me one when I was ready, Now even that seems like a stupid wish. IF he won't help me with this, why would he help me like that. She was the only one I could talk to about that. My husband has never really cared if we had kids or not, and is not willing to consider adoption, or fertility treatments (as if we could afford either one anyway) and so that adds to my depression. I need help, but I know not where to turn, or who to turn to. So I turned to you guys, the ones who have always been there to help me when I needed it the most.
Sorry to unload all this on you.
Melissa
