I need to vent too!

[Xtina]

Ok, so tell me if I'm being unreasonable with what's upsetting me, please!

My family is kind of spread out across the country, mostly because of my dad's decisions. We grew up in California, but when I was 11 (I'm the youngest by a lot), my parents and I moved to Alabama, leaving a sister and brother in California, and another who was in college in Maryland. I was the only one who had to grow up there, and my whole goal all my life was for the family to all be reunited back in California when we all grew up. But, the realities of life set in, and now we're all grown up and living spread out. Two in California, one in Georgia (and the parents there too). When my husband and I were ready to settle down in 2005, we compromised on the California score by moving to Oregon. I got married, got a dog and cat, and then added another dog and three chickens. (Sorry for all this background info, it's leading somewhere). I figured Portland was an excellent compromise because it had everything we needed in a city, we could afford it, and perhaps most importantly, there are cheap, direct flights to my sister in Sacramento. I hoped I'd make it down there once a month, but I only make it about 3 or 4 times per year. It's what I can afford and what I have time for. I still think it's a really big commitment.

Here's where the frustration enters. My sister refuses to come visit me. I could understand when her boys were small and the trip would have been tough, but the boys are 7 and 5 (twin five year olds). They go to visit their grandparents in Nevada for the last few summers, and it's 4 hours away by car. By plane, it takes two hours to come to Portland. But it's not the distance, or the cost of flying that she objects to. It's not the room in my house (it's a four bedroom), even though she's tried that objection. Well, it's all these objections and more to be honest. She comes up with anything she can, but the one that's the most hurtful is the dog objection. I've started to realize that she just doesn't want her kids around my dogs. I asked her to send me my seven year old nephew for a bike ride that's going on up here and the first thing out of her mouth was, "but what about your dogs?!?!?!?!" My response was, "what about them?" They're good with kids, especially kids around that age. But it's been the thing she's brought up every time. We've actually fought over my "lifestyle choice" before, as she calls it. We've argued over her and my mom's attitude about my pets numerous times. She also raises the objection that I don't live on a cul-de-sac, so her kids will probably get hit by a car if they come to visit.

So I just don't know what to do or say. I feel like there's nothing I can do or say that will change her mind and it's really hurtful that my family won't come visit. I understand in the case of my brother, who has severe allergies, but he has actually expressed interest in coming and just needs to find the time. My sister, on the other hand, I feel like I've been disowned. I feel like, in her eyes, I'm only her sister if I come down there and she's not willing to make any effort to be part of my family.

Am I being unreasonable? Is four years of no visits from my sister too few for me to start feeling like she's never going to come? Is seven years old too young to make a trip with mom (or as an unaccompanied minor) to visit an aunt two hours away? Are kids liable to get hit by cars if they aren't on a cul-de-sac?

I just feel like, if she came to see my house and my neighborhood, she might realize it's not what she thinks. I don't live on a busy street, my neighbors all have kids, and it's a really community-oriented neighborhood. Sure, being a city neighborhood, we have our share of undesirables, but the crime here is really low. The only bad thing that ever happens is petty theft if you leave your stuff lying out. Anyway, this has been bothering me for a really long time, but I get more angry at her attitude as time goes on. I've invited her over numerous times, and in any arrangement that makes it easier for her, but she's never shown even the slightest bit of enthusiasm about the idea.

 

[EweSheep]

Honestly, I think her message was "I dont want to be bothered".

One day she might just come and pay you a visit....it all boils down on time, money and how often you communicate with her.

I am sure others might have something better to advise you but that is the way people now are doing that. It's sad!

 

[Xtina]

On the money count, I understand that it's expensive, but I make the effort regularly, because family is really important to me, and so is keeping close bonds. We talk pretty regularly, even though we're all busy. And honestly, even though her expenses are higher than mine, she has a LOT more money than I do and I think it's firmly within her ability to afford an occasional trip to Portland, especially with her husband buying a brand new FJ Cruiser. As to the time involved, well, I can't spare much sympathy. I take weekends to come visit her. I leave work on Friday night, go to the airport, and stay until Sunday afternoon so that I can be back in time for work on Sunday. And she doesn't work. Mothers on my street take little weekend vacations sometimes. I know that this isn't something totally unacceptable for a mom to do.

 

[ranchhand]

First:

for family issues, I have them too. I have had to learn that my sisters are not going to come to my house, no matter what. One has been here twice, and both times it was as if she thought she was at a circus.

We talk on the phone and email a bit, but I have come to accept that they are just not comfortable in my home. Oh well.

What I have found, over the years, is that I love my sisters- but I don't LIKE them anymore than they LIKE me. So we just keep a bit of distance.

We do get together briefly on holidays, but it's more a duty than a pleasure. I've learned to not force it.

 

[EweSheep]

I have a sister in law that I love her to death but she always making excuses why she would not come to visit us, even it is only an hour and 45 mins away.

So I decided I am not going to be bothered by it and found something else to do.

 

[Rootball]

Have you told this to her as explicitly as you have told it to all of us strangers on BYC. It might help just to be open with her about how you feel. (that was the helpful adult thing for me to say)


(what I really want to say)
Your sister is a nutter and all your nephews will grow up saddled with enormous mommy issues. Better write them off now before you are subjected to 50 more years of schitzo family drama.

 

[Xtina]

LOL
I have tried to tell her how this makes me feel, and I think I've been pretty clear about it. There have been a few tearful conversations before about her and my mom's attitude about my pets, but I don't think she's realized what message she's sending me. I guess I could tell her more directly what I feel like I have no choice but to infer from her attitude: that she just doesn't want to be my sister if it involves anything at all on her part. And that my home isn't good enough for her.

This is how American families fall apart. I always wondered as a child how it is that people don't know their cousins and don't have close relationships with family members of their own age. I knew what was wrong with my own upbringing, but I thought it was something I would be able to overcome when I grew up. I knew that it takes effort from more than just one caring family member, but we were such a close family when we were younger (or so I thought) so to see us fall apart this way has been really upsetting.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Some people have real fears of dogs or other animals. I know my sil is afraid of them, and essentially taught my nephew to be also. Personally, I think it silly, but it is her child and her choice (along with my brother's) on how to raise him. He's grown now, and I know my sons (including the 16 year old who is 8.5 years his junior) are both considerably more mature, even though younger. Responsibility and limits teach that.

Your sister may also be aware of her sons' fears or allergies that she has not chosen to share with you. And it's possible that the dogs are an easy excuse when tehre is really some other reason behind her refusal to visit.

Visiting family is more important to some than to others. It is obvious that your move away from your older siblings as a child haunted you, and ripped apart your sense of family security, but the reality is that most extended families don't visit as often as you would like, even when in the same town.

When one marries and has children, one forms a new nuclear family, and those relationships are the most important--that is part of what marriage and children are, or should be.

An option you could offer (think holiday-time) is for the whole family to come, and reserve hotel rooms--it removes the allergy issue from your brother, and if dogs are the real reason, it removes them from the equation for your sister.

 

[Xtina]

Thanks for your response. Having to move away from them was an incredibly hurtful experience as a child. We're Greek, so family bonds (especially extended family bonds) are really important to us. Then I moved to Alabama, where family bonds are probably stressed as being more important than anywhere else in the nation. I remember singing songs about how important family was in music class, right after I'd just been torn away from all my family.

But I should have clarified that my sister and her kids are not afraid of or allergic to dogs. My sister actually had a dog for a really short time, before she decided she hated the responsibility and got rid of it. Her boys LOVE dogs. I mean, they really, really are drawn to them, pretty much just the same way I was when I was their age. I don't think she has a problem with that, she's just concerned with their safety and doesn't trust dogs to be good around her rambunctious kids, who she thinks are unable to learn how to behave themselves.

As to taking hotel vacations, maybe it's within the realm of reason for me to invite them to take on the expense of coming to my house, but having to rent a hotel is too much to ask, and too much for me to afford by myself. Sure, for my brother's allergies that would be fine. But for my sister, I know she would never do that.

And I respect the importance of nuclear family, but coming from being so lonely as a kid, I have to say that extended family is just as important to a kid's well-being. I don't think that forming your own nuclear family means it's time to forget about the people who were your family before.

 

[Rootball]

If it makes you feel any better, I just had a family reunion which included all the members of the family descending from my great great grandfather(so it was the families of all of my great grandmothers brothers and sisters).

Our family home is in Colorado, but A whole wing is in Virginia I met about 5 2nd cousins my age whom I never knew existed, and we all hit it off. We felt a real kinship and all of us have stayed in touch pretty well since. So there are new beginings!