I need to vent too!

[Sonoran Silkies]

Next time you invite her and she says no, ask if she would consider staying at a hotel instead--don't offer to pay for it, just toss it out as an idea (although a couple of nights at an inexpensive hotel is probably less than a round trip plane ticket).

 

[Xtina]

I suppose. Although I kind of feel like the hotel visit almost entirely defeats the purpose of her coming to visit at all. I don't want her to come to see Portland. I mean, yeah, Portland's great. But I want her to come see ME. Me, my house, my life, my community, my neighborhood. I want my nephews to be part of my family (especially when my baby arrives). I want them to play in my garden, and with my neighbor kids, and walk around the streets in my neighborhood with me. I want them to go to the park in my neighborhood with me and see what it's like to live in a place where you can walk everywhere. All of that would be pretty much out of the picture if they stayed in a hotel. All the hotels are driving distance away. We might as well all go on a trip to Boston together and all stay in separate hotels. The point is not to be a hotel visit family, it's to be a.......family. Do you know what I mean? I don't feel like that's unreasonable, but tell me if it is.

 

[horsejody]

Quote:
Staying at a hotel and not being together 24/7 is not unreasonable. It's a compromise and a step in the right direction. Invite her to visit. If she starts going on about the dogs, etc., just say, "If you don't want to stay at my house that's fine. You can stay at a hotel." Don't offer to pay. You offered your home. Since she declined, she has to cover her own accomodations. Then keep in contact by phone, but don't visit until she visits you. I'm sure she loves you and loves seeing you, but she gets to take the lazy way out because you visit regularly. Take the lazy option away, and make the visiting thing more equitable.

 

[Xtina]

I guess that's what I'll do. Somehow that situation doesn't feel satisfactory to me at all. Like it's ok for me to sleep at her house, but it's not ok for her to sleep at my house. If that's my only option, then I guess I would take it, but it still feels horribly insulting to me. Like, it's almost worth it for her to never come than for her to stay somewhere else like a stranger. Everyone's family uses my guest room, but my own won't? My guest room has hosted my roommate's mom (from Sacramento) three times, my neighbor's mom (from Palm Springs) countless times, and numerous other visitors, who all thanked us and said it was a great place to stay and we were so gracious for letting them use the room, but my own sister won't stay there? To me, that's weird and wrong.

I don't want to be uncompromising about it, that's just how I feel about it though.

 

[Julie08]

I would not let my kids visit a house with dogs, not the dogs fault not the dog owners fault, not the kids fault, would be my problem. I don't trust any dog and would not let my children around someones dog, including my brothers dogs.

 

[Xtina]

Given that 39% of households have dogs and most households have children, you don't feel like that position is at all unreasonable or strange? I mean, dogs and kids are both normal. I guess I'll never understand the perspective of people who won't allow dogs or kids in their homes.

 

[horsejody]

The reality is that some people just don't like to be guests. They like their own space and to be in control of their environment. When I visit people, sometimes I stay at their house. Sometimes I stay at a hotel. I always have my own car too, even if it's a rental. Don't take it as an insult if she doesn't stay with you. Just be glad she's visiting. Her reason for not wanting to stay at your house might be because she just doesn't enjoy visiting as much as you do. Everybody's different. Don't sweat it. Just get her to start footing some of the travel expenses by coming to you.

 

[Xtina]

Sigh. I hear ya. I just don't care about the expenses. I care about the sentiment. I wouldn't care if she never paid to come see me. I just want some semblance of commitment from her, and nothing really involving money. She's offered to pay half my ticket out there just to avoid coming to see me, and I refused. I pay my own way because the money will never be more important to me than showing my sister I care. And I don't want her to be able to say that paying half my ticket is the same kind of gesture as coming to see me is. It's not.

If she has issues being outside her home for two days, or one night, then I'd say that's a problem that she should work on, by coming to see me. Not something that she should be proud of and continue. Anyway, she has no problem going to visit her mother-in-law, who she hates. Just coming to see me.

 

[Julie08]

Yes it is absolutely unreasonable and absolutely strange. I dont trust any dogs ever period.

 

[Xtina]

Quote:
So you're saying that not only should your kids never learn how to make themselves safe around dogs, or enjoy playing games of fetch with dogs, that there's no way that a dog owner could ever make enough barriers between your kids and their dogs for you to feel safe?

At least you admit that that's unreasonable and strange. I never trust dogs either, but I trust my ability to protect my dogs from kids and my kids from dogs. I have a backyard and baby gates set up for this express purpose.