I need to vent too!

[Julie08]

Yes, thats what I'm saying. I can't help it wish it wasn't so but it is. I guess when they are old enough to decide on their own they will decide what is right for them.

Completely unreasonable I do understand.

 

[McGoo]

Just saw this posting.

Is your sister one of those hospital sterile kind of people. IF so, she will never be comfortable in your home. I'm not insinuating that you're dirty, but I have dogs and I know that there is fur (no matter how much we clean) and people that don't have dogs might be turned off by it. I suspect she might be a bit uncomfortable and doesn't want to hurt your feelings directly by saying so, though her not coming and all her excuses are causing you pain too.

Do you have a little local B&B that she could stay in?

 

[Xtina]

Quote:
Thanks for your response. The thing is, she's not one of those sterile people. We're both reasonably clean people, but we approach it in different ways. Like, her countertops are always clean and dishes always out of the sink (because she's a homemaker she has the time to devote effort to this) but her kids never get bathed and food goes bad in her fridge that she doesn't notice. My countertops are usually cluttered, but when this kid comes out of me, you can bet it's going to get a bath every day, or almost. So I don't really feel like she has room to talk. It's not like I ever have guests over without doing a deep clean first anyway.

 

[JenEric Farms]

My father is the youngest of 7 and they are very tightly knit (all the siblings). That being said, we never stayed at their homes when we would visit, my Father Always got a hotel room. I realize now he just didn't feel comfortable staying in someone else's home. It's weird for people that don't feel this way about staying at someone else's house, but very stressful for those that oppose it. We would spend almost all waking hours with whomever we were visiting, but we always went back to the hotel for the night and got up and ready for the day at our own pace.

Don't view a hotel visit as an insult, maybe your sister is just one of these uncomfortable types. I'm not, as you seem not to be either...but, not everyone can be perfect. HA!

 

[Xtina]

I have to concede that if no one here thinks it's insulting that she won't visit or stay with me, then maybe it's not an insult. I just can't help but feel that way.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Everyone has different lifestyles--times they wake up, go to sleep, whether or not they turn on hte radio or tv, and if so what, amount of intimacy they are and are not comfortable with, etc. I would happily stay with relatives or friends--DH is uncomfortable with it most of the time.

Just because you want her to stay at your home does not mean she is comfortable with that. Neither of you is right or wrong unless one of you insists that the other one always do things the way she likes rather than compromising ro taking turns--every adult relationship has a give an take, turn and turn about built into it to account for the differences of the people involved.

Quite frankly, you seem to be needier, and expecting your sister to do things your way. She, on the other hand is backing off and adding distance and boundaries that you are not recognising or are choosing to ignore. Maybe she isn't the one with the problem with your dogs--maybe its her husband. Or maybe she or he is uncomfortable with the level of control you have over them--their level of obedience. Or maybe that is an excuse for something else.

Just because you are comfortable with dogs does not mean it is wrong for someone to not be comfortable with them. There are certain breeds of dogs, and certain very specific dogs that I am uncomfortable with.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Sweetie, I think you are focusing too much on your extended family--focus on your life with your husband, his extended family (which is also yours), your friends and your new baby--build the life you have rather than spending time pining for what isn't. You may find that once you change your focus the relationship with your sister will become more balanced and rewarding.

 

[Xtina]

My sister always begged me growing up to come and live in the same city as her after we were separated when I was 11. She was always the one that made the most effort to be an important influence in my life when I was a kid, even though she was 14 years older than me, she came down from college to take me to amusement parks, or just to visit me. She offered to adopt me when my parents decided to move across country, so that the two of us wouldn't be separated (obviously that was a no).

Every time I go to Sacramento, she still begs me to move there so that we can see each other all the time and I can be a real aunt to her kids. My mom says I need to make strong efforts to be a good aunt to the boys and make my presence felt so that they have some close family members in their life who love them. But when I try to explain to her that I can't live in Sacramento and why, she just plugs up her ears and puts blinders on. I knew she wanted me to live there, but I never knew that living there, and not owning dogs were conditions of our relationship.

I know I can't expect you guys to know these things, it's just hard to hear that I need to let go of my family and stop feeling a connection to them, especially after all this history of us striving to be closer despite the separations that were forced upon us. It's hard to see us grow up to not be close. And it's hard to be the only one who makes an effort.

 

[greyhorsewoman]

My in-laws NEVER came to our house. And it WAS because of the animals. They were uncomfortable around the dogs & cats, the smell of manure, and the sound of pigs & chickens. It bothered them that their grandchildren were playing in a less than sterile environment. They didn't understand why we would make 'work' for ourselves (homesteading), instead of just striving to get bigger and better jobs.

However, they loved their grandchildren so we made ALL the trips. ALL the holidays, summer vacations, family get-togethers hosted at their home. At first we only lived 45 minutes away (still a long day for 2 toddlers). Later we moved 7 HOURS away. It was still our responsibility to come visit. If I hadn't, the children would not have had the relationship they do today.

My in-laws have finally mellowed (in their 70's) and have actually taken a few day trips to our farm (we now live 2 1/2 hours away). They are absolutely amazed to see their son ride a horse or drive a tractor. They still don't 'get it' but have come to understand that we are happy in our choice. They still won't eat our eggs, but my sister-in-laws enjoy them.

My grandchildren adore them. They never really noticed that all the effort to keep the family connected was really mine. (Even my husband would probably have opted out for half the trips.) Did I feel insulted? Yes I did. I felt my home and homemaking was not good enough. Did it bother me? Yes it did. Do I wish they could have overcome their objections? Yes I do. But such is life. I finally chose to do what is important to me.

You cannot control your sister. Visit when/if it you want to, not so she will reciprocate. Would it be nice if she could change? Sure, but it doesn't look like she will anytime soon. In the end, be satisfied with your efforts.

 

[JenEric Farms]

Quote:
I completely agree!