I'm opening up.


11 Years
Feb 9, 2012
Warning now, this post is about to get deep...

So, I disappeared off of BYC when my great-grandmother passed away June 24th 2013... I was sleeping 16+ hours a day, and was in a deep depression. I lost my whole world that day. That was a really hard time for me, but things got harder... I started having panic attacks... I still can't sleep in my house. I close my eyes and all I see is her dying in the bed in what is now my room. I have nightmares still almost every night.

That fall I met a guy. He was really nice, or so I thought, then he decided to try to sleep with my best friend that happened to be his neighbor. Of course, he has since been removed from my life.

That same month, my dad had brain surgery in L.A. which required many trips that were over 600 miles. Things for him haven't improved, in fact, they have gotten worse... There is basically no cure for his condition.

Later the next January, my cousin (that meant the world to me) started having problems with my dad. They started fighting and things got really bad. My dad and I started fighting really bad... That was when my anxiety started getting to the point that I found myself in the back of an ambulance. The Dr. agreed that I had anxiety but thought it was just all the fighting... So it got brushed off.

When everything was falling apart with that, my close friend decided he "liked me/wanted to be with me". We got to talking about being together, and then out of the blue one morning I wake up to 5 texts telling me about he had been talking to me and 5 other girls and he had been cheating on his gf... He was "scared for their relationship and needed a backup, and I'd do"... (I must update that and say I was ****** for the past year, but he contacted me one day and we've been friends for about 8 months again now.) But at the time he was the one person that was there for me.

I found myself at that point sobbing on the bathroom floor. I had given up. I didn't want to wake up. I was scared to sleep because I knew that I never wanted to wake up again. My head is a dark place

I turned 18 and got a job that I loved, but ended up leaving after 10 months for Target as a seasonal cashier. I was the only one in my household working and bringing in the paycheck to take care of a house and 3 people. During that time I was with a guy for 8 months. He was wonderful when we were first together then the verbal abuse started. About how I'm too emotional, I'm too clingy, I'm too nice, I say "I love you" too much, this and that. He tried to change every little thing about me and he actually made me believe that I was not a good person. He made me believe that I didn't deserve better. He made me feel like crap for showing any emotion. So I became a robot with my feelings. He started saying I couldn't talk to my guy friends (which is a majority of my friends) and that I didn't love him if I did. I got tired of that but kept my mouth shut... I got so tired of him telling me that it's my fault that I'm having hard times or having bad family/household problems. I got to the point of answering texts with one or two words. He would try to hang out with me, but when we did, I sat in silence.. I told him one day that it was too much...

I spent some time (about 2 months) living with my cousins to get away from the financial/family problems at home. Until they admitted that they were lying to me the whole time and they started treating me like the biggest child there is. They completely betrayed my trust and one of them, that was literally the person I loved most on this earth, screwed me over the most. He has hurt me more than any guy could have/has done. People want me to include him in my life still now that I'm back home, but I refuse.

After that I got mono for a good 3 months... That took the life out of me... Seriously... Thought I was going to die.

While all of that was going on, I got mixed up in some feelings with my best friend at the time. Naturally that led to something. We were long distance for 3 months, till he made the trip to Cali for my 19th B-day in March. When I fell in love with him, I didn't see some little things as problems. They turned out to be the biggest things. Friends of ours took his side with these things and started accusing me of cheating on him with my current best friend Wyatt. He had a problem of not having the courage to be able to tell me how he was feeling without getting drunk off his ***. He is so stupid and mean when he's totally drunk. I kept my mouth shut for a while. Our 6mo anniversary came around and we made each other sweet gifts and everything was good for a day. But the fact of the matter was that he wasn't making time for me anymore, he didn't text much and thought I was too clingy and said "I love you" too much... 8 days after that, I talked to him about all the issues I had, and we mutually decided to just be friends. The moving on part was not easy... I wouldn't have gotten through the first 2 weeks after the breakup if it hadn't been for my good friends. In the process of all that, like I said, friends took sides and decided to start crap. I lost 3 friends in all that mess. My best friend Wyatt was there for me the most in all of this mess. Things have been patched up with everyone for the most part, but words hurt...

In the last year I thought my anxiety had gone away, but then it came back worse than ever. I had no motivation to do anything. I didn't want to get out of bed. There was no point. I didn't care if I woke up... I finally gave up and admitted I had a problem I couldn't deal with on my own. I am now on medication and I can actually function and actually want to live and do things.

Through all this, Wyatt has been there. We are together, but not at the same time. We're committed to waiting to meet each other, before we start dating. I plan to go see him in Oregon in September with a friend! He makes me forget all the reasons to be upset, and makes me see the bright side of life. He's bringing back the happy-go-lucky girl that enjoyed life that you all know and remember me to be. I am a different person %110 from what you guys know, but I'm finally happy again. I'm finally me again. That's how I know he's the one. I knew the first time I met him. He brings out the best in me. We have the same beliefs and morals. We argue, but always work things out. I finally found someone that loves the way I do. I've never had that before. He wants me the same way I want him. I couldn't have prayed for someone like him. He's what I've always wanted plus so much more.

He hasn't "fixed me" he helped me see that life is still worth it. No guy or girl will fix anything. God helps you up when you get knocked down, and I know I've made some bad and stupid decisions, but He has put certain people in my life that have helped me see God's love.

Disclaimer: I still consider my head the darkest place I know. I still go there from time to time. I just get in my head and think too much about things. There are some big things that take me there, but they can't be changed so I have to let them go. But most of the time it's just me being too hard on myself.

This was a lot I wanted to share and get off my chest. This has summed up my life for the past 3 years... I love and miss you guys. I'll at least say "goodbye" next time I take off. If I do.

Elysia <3
Elysia, glad that you are back. 'Anxiety' is a real thing generally caused by chemical imbalance of some sort. For most medication is essential and can lead to a normal productive life. 4 generation of my wife's family are living proof of that fact. Never allow yourself to be controlled by others. Trust in your own instincts - I've seen your postings over the years and feel that you are a GOOD person. Welcome back.
Elysia, glad that you are back. 'Anxiety' is a real thing generally caused by chemical imbalance of some sort. For most medication is essential and can lead to a normal productive life. 4 generation of my wife's family are living proof of that fact. Never allow yourself to be controlled by others. Trust in your own instincts - I've seen your postings over the years and feel that you are a GOOD person. Welcome back.

Thank you! It's hard to get past some things. Some people are good at manipulating you into believing what is not true. Especially when you love them and are going through other things that make you feel like less of a person.

Thank you so much for the support! It helps more than you know.

New posts New threads Active threads

Top Bottom