In need of advice, please help. :(

[RunningRabbit]

Okay, so about a year ago, a friend lent me $4,000 so I could go get my Class B CDL. We came to an agreement that I would pay him back between $100-$200 a month. To bring you all up to speed: I was originally suppose to start paying him back six months ago. Unfortunately, the only long distance road worthy car of mine (and consequently the only car capable of driving to the job I had lined up) was totaled when a 16 year old girl wrecked in to it. I informed him of this immediately, and he understood and reassured me it was fine if it took longer to pay him back. I repeatedly asked him (after he ok'd it, if he was truly fine with the payment arrangement. To which he said each time, that yes, it was indeed fine.) A couple months later, I finally found a job in December, and have been faithfully following our agreement as promised. With every payment, he has reassured me that all was well and that me paying him back as was agreed had been working fine. Today, I get an email from him that he is homeless now and is essentially demanding more money per month.

I can't do that. Between my bills, car repairs, and my family, anymore than the agreement is beyond my means.

It's like he has completely thrown out our agreement (which I can understand, given the circumstances). I feel terrible over his situation, but there is only so much I can do. I feel so unsure as to how to tell him that we had an agreement, that of which he repeatedly reassured me was acceptable. I have not missed a payment since I started paying him back. What can I do? I would feel so utterly wretched if I had to remind him that this payment plan was agreed upon as is by both of us. But what other options is there? I'm sure our friendship is pretty much wrecked at this point, because he wants so much more than I can pay him back at once. I have all of our conversations saved online as evidence of this, so there is no way either one of us can say anything different about the agreement. I have every intention of paying him back. But anything more than our agreement is absolutely out of the question.

How can I handle this situation? I've been faithful about paying him back, and will keep doing so until the entire debt is paid off.

 

[MamaRoo]

Not only was he nice enough to loan you the money in the first place (interest free?), he was nice enough to let you slide longer when your circumstances became worse (wrecked car). Now his circumstances have become worse and your refusing to bend at all? Maybe he does want more at once than you can possibly give, but does that really mean you can't give more than you are?

You can't use this as a life's lesson for the kids, that when someone is in trouble you do what you can to help them? Isn't there anything that you, as a family, can do to cut back on expenses to send this guy at least a little more each month? Is he so far away that you can't offer him a couch, or dinner?

 

[MamaRoo]

Not sure how that ^ reads, but it's not meant to be condescending. If I were in your situation I would do just about anything to speed up payments, and if I were in his, I would hate my friend for not being willing (being 'able' wouldn't really matter to me at that point) to help me. If, instead, the friend who owed me money said, "OMG, that's terrible! We're cancelling cable and Netflix to be able to send you more money each month. I'm not sure we can reach the amount you need, but we're going to try everything we can to get you more." I would at least feel like that person cared.

 

[RunningRabbit]

I live in Ohio, him in Arizona. So no, there is no way I can offer him a place to stay. I am not refusing to bend at all. I just can't. Financially, I can't. It is not a matter of me saying for the heck of it, no extra money per month. My husband is unemployed, we are down to one car and I have a stack of bills that are barely being managed. My hours at work have been reduced as well, making it all that much worse. Being newly diagnosed with stage 2 Lymphoma doesn't help matters more, nor does the side effects of chemo.

I had sent him food and other things throughout the months and helped him job hunt by finding him job leads online. My expenses have already been reduced and I have been trying to find other ways to bring in more money. Even before this happened, I had been helping him bring in more of an income for himself. Whether he took anything to heart, I don't know.

I want to help him as much as I can, but my money is stretched as far as I can make it go. My relatives, after I asked them for advice, have all essentially said the same thing "there's nothing you can do, but keep paying him back". I don't find that acceptable. I want to help more, and I've been racking my brain trying to figure out what else I can do to help. It's not like I can let my kid go without diapers just so I can send an extra $20 a month. After everything has been paid (food, bills, gas, diapers, utilities and sending him money) I have only $100 or so left to get me by until the next paycheck. If my hours hadn't been reduced, I could have sent more. I'm looking for a second job to help ends meet, but they have been scare to none.

I want to help more, but I don't know how.

 

[RunningRabbit]

Not sure how that ^ reads, but it's not meant to be condescending. If I were in your situation I would do just about anything to speed up payments, and if I were in his, I would hate my friend for not being willing (being 'able' wouldn't really matter to me at that point) to help me. If, instead, the friend who owed me money said, "OMG, that's terrible! We're cancelling cable and Netflix to be able to send you more money each month. I'm not sure we can reach the amount you need, but we're going to try everything we can to get you more." I would at least feel like that person cared.

I don't have netflix, cable or any other luxury expenses. So there isn't anything to cancel in order to send him more money.

 

[MamaRoo]

If you really are doing all you can financially, then you you're right, you can't pay more. Still, if I were in his shoes I'd want to know that you were doing everything you could to help. Tell him basically what you just said "We're living on nothing right now, but I promise you as soon as hubs finds a job, or I get a second job, you are the first person that gets paid. I know you cared about me enough to help me out when I needed it, and I can't tell you how awful I feel that I can't do the same for you right now. I promise you that I'll continue to send the agreed upon amount, and as soon as we find any other money we'll start sending you more"

It might not make any difference, but then again it might, who knows. Unless you can transfer the debt to a relative (and I'm guessing that if your relatives had any spare money you wouldn't have borrowed form the friend to start with) I don't know what else you can do except try to let him know that you'll help more as soon as you can.

 

[punk-a-doodle]

Do you guys have phone and Internet? If so, I'd cut that off and send him the money from that. Libraries are a good source for internet while it is cut off at home. Get reusable cloth diapers for the kids, and send him the money that used to go to diapers. If anyone in the family eats out ever, make sure all meals are home cooked and lunches packed from home until the debt is paid back. And anything you do cut, let him know you did because you want to get him back on his feet as soon as he can, as he did for you. Even small amounts, like what comes from the diaper fund, will help let him know that you really are doing everything you can.

For your family, look into welfare, support groups for low-income families and/or people with kids (I believe one group provides diapers, baby formula, etc), support groups for low-income families dealing with cancer, etc. hope both your family and your friend and all back on your feet financially soon. Hope very much that your chemo works well and quickly! I can't imagine how much stress you all must be under right now, and hope you have a supportive family and extended family who will do things like help you watch your kids.

 

[newfoundland]

I am assuming that you are using disposable diapers since you list it as a monthly expense. My advice would be to change to washable diapers, I know you have the initial outlay but the savings are huge. This is a great worry when you also have health problems but anything you can do will make he and you both feel better. I'm sure he was very reluctant to ask for the money but circumstances have changed for him and he sees no way out. Have you anything you can sell, jewellery perhaps? Gold is making very good prices at the moment. Would a relative help out, or sell something on your behalf? Would not your car insurance have settled with you for the value or repair of your car? making yourself ill with worry will not help your family or your friend, but this is indeed a lesson learned for us all I think.

 

[cassie]

You had/have an oral contract. You are honoring your part. The lender needs to honor his. Just remind him of this and tell him you are sorry and you are doing the best you can. You can't get blood out of a turnip. Ask him if he really expects you to rob a bank.

 

[Mattemma]

You could take out another loan from family or friend to pay HIM back,and then you can pay the new person. Shoot, I might even say take a bank loan or credit card loan.Either way the friendship is probably over.

Forget sending him stuff.Postage is way too high.Just send cash.Keep a record of everything.If I were in your situation I might get a part time job.Weekend nurse aide or cleaner to get more cash,or just borrow from someone to pay him.