My leukemia's back.

[Suzie]

Just popping in to say I hope you have all had a very happy Christmas and wishing you all a happy and healthy New Year. Lost a few chickens this year as they are all getting old now, only 10 left and 3 of them are Roosters so I have an occasional egg when my monster chicken doesn't get to eat them before I remove them from the coop. She is only alive as she looked after one of my debilitated chickens a while ago but despite every attempt to deter her she continues to eat eggs! I will be looking to buy some young chickens in the Spring when the weather is warmer!

 

[sourland]

@Suzie thanks for stopping by. Hope that things are well with you.

 

[bruceha2000]

Snow sliding off roofs.... such a good thing.

As long as you aren't standing under the edge when it decides to go

Phil - there was a radio program on a couple of days ago regarding suicide. I thought of you and your wife. They said people who commit suicide have a sort of mental illness. Hopefully treatable with counseling though many are very private about their thoughts. One person was a psychologist. He said he's lost patients to suicide that weren't on his "watch list". Never showed any of whatever the typical signs are. Maybe you could go see a therapist to help you work through your grief. It may not be something you can do on your own and maybe could help speed it along a bit.

 

[LittleLakePhil]

Ive always seen a therapist.... Chris o.d the one who really needed one..... she was signed up to see one..... I'm okay.
If I do I do.... I'm not suicidal.
But im in uncharted territory here..... I'm aware of the danger. I just don't see me doing it right yet. I'm taking it a minute at a time anything to waste time.

 

[bruceha2000]

Yep, need to keep busy to keep your mind off it. Then, sadly, sleep is needed and that is when your mind just won't give you a break.

I remember you saying she had an appointment a week or two out. You were cognizant of the problem and doing everything you could but you weren't the one in control.

 

[LittleLakePhil]

Yep, need to keep busy to keep your mind off it. Then, sadly, sleep is needed and that is when your mind just won't give you a break.

I remember you saying she had an appointment a week or two out. You were cognizant of the problem and doing everything you could but you weren't the one in control.

No... but I should have been.
She needed me to be..... she was doing stuff behind my back and felt so ashamed.... she needed me to protect her from herself.
The crys for help just weren't apparent to me I wad blind..... and now im being blindsided by her actions..... prior to her suicide.
It just sucks.
I feel im not going to make it..... but I am trying. Step by step by myself....

 

[Alaskan]

No... but I should have been.
She needed me to be..... she was doing stuff behind my back and felt so ashamed.... she needed me to protect her from herself.
The crys for help just weren't apparent to me I wad blind..... and now im being blindsided by her actions..... prior to her suicide.
It just sucks.
I feel im not going to make it..... but I am trying. Step by step by myself....

You desperately need a counselor and/or a support group.

I know you live in the boonies.... but is there anything available?

 

[bobbi-j]

No... but I should have been.
She needed me to be..... she was doing stuff behind my back and felt so ashamed.... she needed me to protect her from herself.
The crys for help just weren't apparent to me I wad blind..... and now im being blindsided by her actions..... prior to her suicide.
It just sucks.
I feel im not going to make it..... but I am trying. Step by step by myself....

One human being cannot control the thoughts and actions of another, no matter how much we think we can. She was doing things behind your back to hide them from you. How could you have changed anything when you didn't know what was happening? I second 'Al' - please get counseling and/or find a support group to help you work through this.

 

[LittleLakePhil]

I understand your concerns i really do.
Im fine....i do see a therapist.
Im not going to do anything right now.
Ive thought this all out.
I wouldn't do what my wife did.
If im right people that kill themselves in a violent manner do it out if self hate.
I believe she hated herself for what she had become....i don't hate myself.
Im holding my own..... all of you are keeping me going.....i never thought in a million years I'd have a Facebook account..... and really it's part of what brought my wife to where she is.
But it's where im going to talk to certain people......

 

[bruceha2000]

she needed me to protect her from herself.

Perhaps but maybe she didn't want anyone to protect her from herself this time. IIRC you pulled her out of bad situations in the past. It is hard on you to not have had the ability to do so this time. She didn't give you that option for unknown reasons.