My mother has officially lost it!

[ging3rhoffman]

I refuse to have anyone like that in my life. I had to cut a sister off because she was so mental acting. If you want joy in your life then you have to get the negative OUT. My husband cut ties with his mother because of her lifestyle and meaness and for 14 years now we have had peace. M dad also had to cut his mother out of his life. I had a peaceful happy childhood the minute my so called grandmother was gone.

Negative people will ruin your life if YOU LET THEM.

 

[cparian]

I too have always had a strained relationship with my mother. I was the third child & daddy's girl & I always felt she resented me. She is always critical, controlling & manipulative.

My Dad was a wonderful loving man who loved her no matter what. I admire him for his dedication. He passed in 2000 & I miss him everyday.

Because of her antics, I have many times over the years come close to never speaking with her again. But, I know my father would never want that. I have learned to keep my mom at arms length without totally letting go. I still talk with her, but not often & never about anything I need advise about. I have people close to me I can go to for that. It is possible to keep her in your life without completely cutting ties. What I did is just quit reacting to her & the crazy things she does. And if it gets bad just wait awhile & she will call me as if nothing ever happened. In the past I tried to talk things out with her but realized she would act like she didn't remember saying or doing the things she did so it was completely useless to try.

It is sad you & I will never have the close relationship with our mothers many women have. I have just decided it is what it is, & this is what life gave me to deal with so I thats what I do. I have never talked bad about her to my son. She was always good to him. But now that he is in his 20's without me telling him has realized how she is on his own.

Your situation may be different than mine so you have to make the decision you feel would be best, but I hope this helps.

 

[zippy11455]

Cut ties with my father. Mean abusive alcoholic. When he started abusing the grandchildren that was when I'd had enough. Didn't see him for the last 10 yrs of his life. Only my oldest has a vague memory of him. She remembers when he whipped her with a lilac switch for feeding the chickens a handful of grain and left big welts on her legs. She was 6 yrs old. Like I said, no need to carry the crazies on for generation after generation. Someone has to put a stop to it! Might as well be you.

 

[Cetawin]

I can only say how sorry I am and how truly ashamed of your mother I am. I have a wonderful mom who raised strong, intelligent, self sufficient independent daughters...and while we had our problems (because we are so much alike) I could not have asked for a better mom.

I would tell her that you must cut ties with her for a time undetermined because it is in your best interest and the best interest of the health and stability of your family. If she balks, let her know that you are doing your best to what a mother should be...compassionate, nurturing, setting rules, holding them responsibility for their actions and punishing them in like...and most importantly, you are loving them and doing everything within your power to ensure they grow to be stable, intelligent, independent young men and women. Then give her the click off.

Sometimes it takes a slap in the face to wake them up. One of the problems I had with my mother was with my son...the first boy in the family, born on their wedding anniversary and they spoiled him rotten. I had set rules of what he could do, could not do, could have and could not have...primarily due to his allergies and asthma. Well, my mother watched him every saturday as that was "grandma's day" and each time she did exactly what I had asked her not to do and gave him exactly what I had asked her not to. So after spekaing with her many times I went to pick him up and saw the chocolate stains on his shirt and got him ready to go home. I put him in his car seat and went back for his bag and told my father that I would see him at breakfast in the morning and that mom, I had hoped she enjoyed her last day of grandson sitting because he would not be back for another saturday. when she gave me the "what" I reminded her of my insutrctions and why were there and also reminded her that she allowed no one to break her rules with us growing up and she would therefore, not be exempt from the punishment she herself has dished out.

Need I say the behavior was immediately corrected? Oh yes because my father let loose on her after I left and that stuff never happened again. And sometimes that is what it takes...stand up for yourself, your rules, your chicldrens' well-being...even against a parent.

 

[BarkerChickens]

My mom cut ties with her mom 'cause she (my mom's mom) is psycho. I mean the lady has some serious issues that could keep a psychiatrist in business for years! I cut ties with her years ago, but of course she is my mom's mom, so it took her a little longer. Life is MUCH nicer now!

 

[rnoyster]

I had to do it years ago with my mother. She was just a crazy as a loon! I could go on and on for days about the crazy stuff that she said and did, but that would be like beating a dead horse! Cut your ties with her and do it now! If you don't, she will have you acting like she does! I was suffering with guilt and sicknesses caused by the stress from her craziness and finally I'd had enough! I wouldn't talk to her at all. If she called on the phone, I would not answer. If she called me at work, I'd just hang up the phone. If she would stop by the house, I would not answer the door! It isn't easy, but just hang in there! It took mine about 2 years to finally figure out that I didn't and wouldn't have anything to do with her! When she got up in years, (85), I had to move her down with me in SC. (I had promised Dad that I'd never put her in a home) so she stayed in her own little house next to me for 5 years until she passed. It was very stressful, but with the help of my dear wife, who would just let me rant and rave like a darn fool, we were able to keep my promise to my Dad. She is gone now and I can hold my head up, knowing that I did all that I could do, even though she was a total shrew! Good Luck!

 

[cheryl98117]

I am soory for the troublwe your mother is causing you. But good for you for standing up to her. If your health is directly effected by her actions and words, I would cut her out. You need to do what is best for you and your families well being. Sit down and talk to your husband, let him know what she does to you, and ask for his help in removing her from your life. Maby not forever, but for awhile at the least. Wether your mother believes it or not or even cares, your family needs you to be healthy.

I'm 27 years old and have high blood pressure, heart palpitations, an enlarged heart, and tend to build up fluid around my heart, when I over stress. So I have cut the things out that stress me the most. My grandmother was THE major stress in my life, I now only see her maby once every 2 months, for about 15-20 min. at a time. The only reason I allow that is because she only has about 2 years left to live, and she wants to see my 9 month old daughter.

If having your mother out of your life is going to help lower your blood pressure, minimize your palpitations, and in turn help with the murmur and fatigue. Then by all means sweety, do it. For your health and the welfare of your family, do what you have to do.

I know how scary heart problems are, and they are not something to take lightly. So please dont worry about how your mother will handle the seperation, and just think of you and those closest to you.

If you are worried about her seeing the kids and talking bad about you, then set up supervised visits for her, with a friend, your husband "if he would be willing," or another relative.
Just remember to be strong, and to take care of yourself, your husband and kids need you around for at least another 20-50 years. (((HUGS)))

 

[country lady]

Sorry--you don't need this stress with health issues. Believe me, there are many of us out here with toxic relatives. They are the hardest to deal with because some of them won't go away--they demand to be in your life, always causing trouble. I got an answering machine to screen a sibling's calls. Maybe you and your dh can circle the wagon.

 

[Lu King]

Redhen wrote:

If she causes you stress like that..i wouldnt have contact with her. I would not answer my phone or door. Let her stew and think for a bit.

=================================

I agree with Redhen, only I would cut her off until she starts to act like a parent. You don't need her, she needs you.

My problem was always my siblings. I am the youngest, and they always thought they could boss me around, even though I was married. my oldest brother stole my inheritance by telling my dad that he would take care of the money situation when my dad died. (My parents were divorced.) My sister was also cut out of the inheritance. The inheritance wasn't much, btw. She got in touch with me and said we should go into together and sue him. I had letters from dad telling me what he was going to give me. But first, my dad's and his first wife's son had to be found. After much money and time, I found him. My sister and I sued my brother and both received $3,000 each. It should have been much more. She said I should give the money to her because I had told my dad that I didn't care for the money, I just wanted him to live because I loved him a lot. I told her that I should be paid for the expenses of finding Dad's first son. She said, "I didn't ask you to find him." I told her I didn't ask her to sue either. Besides, until he was found there could be no law suit. I did get and keep the entire $3,000. It was a shame I had to sue family to get it.


My sister has a son who is pretty well off. My Dad lived in a different state than I did, and she lived half way between. She and her son (who was married and lived in a big house) begged me and my family to stay overnight with him. I kept saying no, we would rent a motel room. They both insisted, so I finally gave in (huge mistake) We sat up talking until about 1:00 A.M. I told her we probably should go over to Jerry's for the night. I had a small child, and she announced that Jerry and his wife had to go to a party and we couldn't stay there. And we couldn't stay at her house either. Try finding a motel at 1:00 A.M. in the morning

We finally found one, but it was horrible.

Needless to say, I don't speak or write to her. I don't need her or want to hear from her ever again. My husband and I could have slept in the car, but we had a small child to deal with, and it wasn't fair to him. He never did anything to her and neither did I . In fact, I sent her son care packages every week when he was in the military. I never expected or wanted anything in return.

 

[Bluemoon420]

I cut ties with my mother over twenty years ago. My younger brother did shortly after that as well. Our mom has/had mental problems, married 6 times, lied constantly, and I could tell you many stories. She is/was a brillant woman. She has/had 4 college degrees. She never did drugs or drank.
I always got the brunt of her craziness. Sometimes it was unexpected, but other times I would do it to protect my younger brother. We did the family counseling thing. She would never show up of course, but everyone else did. A very wise counselor told me one day to just let it go. That it wasn't our fault in any way. She has/had problems, and only she could fix them.
I took that advice to heart, and let it all go. I chose as did my brother to no longer try to reach out to her. If there comes a day she wants to come and talk to us, she knows where to find us. Otherwise, we wish her the best, and hope she gets the help she needs.

Bluemoon