My rant of the day....could use a little advice

[lnm03]

SO, where so I start.....my boss's wife passed away 18 months ago, kind of expected but she was young, and he is severly struggling with this but its getting out of control where work comes in. First I dont want you to think I'm cold hearted or anything like that I have no idea how he is still functioning I wouldnt if anything ever happened to my DH....I would be lost with out him. He went through the dont ask me about it stage, the I'm hear but I'm not, the party stage, the buy a new house/car stage, new girl stage, but Im kinda stuck with where we are now........He has mood swings and it doesnt matter who he is irritated he takes it out on me....I am his ONLY employee, I have let it go in one ear and out the other, made excuses for him to me and others as to why he is acting that way....he's going through a lot!! young kids single parent who wouldnt be stressed.....he has recently accused me lying about not doing things i did do and when I showed him proof he didnt apologize, he nit picks everything I do around here any more and I seriously dont know how much I can take. Oh and here is another example....the other day he was suppose to go out with his new GF and she fell asleep so he was at work longer than normal. So, he was mad and went through my desk which is no big deal to me at all but I forgot to shred my trash and there was a file in it and he threw a fit cause there was no notes or label on the file. It was in the SHRED pile because we had a duplicate file and the other one was already filed.....my bad cuz I forgot to shred...but you dont have to throw a fit about it! Then he said in the same conversation....your my office manager right? yes....If you seen that we are in desperate need of a filing cabinet why didnt you get one?.......I have asked him for a filing cabinet for the last 2 years and he says NO....its his $ not mine so I cant run out and buy something with his money when I am told no.....PLUS I told him the week before that one of the local companies had a sale on filing cabinets and he said NO?????? What am I suppose to do about that??????????? He is behind on his work and if he doesnt do his work I cant do mine and he gets mad cuz I am behind because he throws everything on me at one time! I understand he is going through a hard time but I can only be his punching bag for so long.......there is more instances than what I have mentioned but you dont want to read this for hours.....Please help me understand.....I dont want to quit my job but I cant walk on egg shells forever!!! He really is a GREAT boss I couldnt ask for a better one and I know things like this can change you but I really need help understanding or figuring out what to do......Sometimes I just go home and cry and thats not good. I cant do anything right any more and it doesnt matter what caused his bad mood I take the rap for it.

 

[TyrannosaurusChix]

oiy... sounds like he is unhappy but that doesnt mean you should be treated this way.

look up the laws on hostile work environments. Then formulate some sort of talk with him so you can be prepared, but either way it looks like a talk is in your future.

Good luck!

 

[turney31]

 

[chics in the sun]

It sounds like he is really struggling. I am a young widow with a son, too, and I have my moments of moodiness and frustration, but that is no reason to abuse an employee. His forgettfulness and abusive behavior toward you tell me there is a chance he has turned to drugs to cope. If he wasn't like this at all before his wife passed away, that is a likely explanation. You will have to have a very difficult conversation with him. Suggest he get some help or you will find another job (not easy in this economy, I know, but it is a way to tell him you will not put up with this treatment). See how he reacts, and go from there. You may need to seek legal help if it continues.

 

[drdoolittle]

Wow, you're a much better person than I am! I probably would have quit if my boss went through my desk-----not to mention all the stress of not knowing when he is going to go off on you, or about what. It's a very delicate situation when it's your boss and not just an aquaintance----you can't exactly tell him to take a "chill pill" or suggest that he needs some time off. It seems to me that he may be in need of some grief counseling. Good luck with everything-----I agree with Tyranasaurus chix advice.

 

[Boyd]

just understand that he's not being rational. I don't know if I'd point that fact out to him or not (your call) but he won't be in his right mind for a while. For example, when my little boy was diagnosed with cancer and we spent a year fighting it, it took me close to another 5 years to fully get over it and deal with the aftermath.

depends on how bad he's hurting inside, and it all depends on what you are willing to put up with. I probably would have shot my mouth off to him already, but that's just me. sometimes when you are hurting that bad you are blinded to what you are doing to the folks around you.

 

[Keens2050]

You need to stand up to him. It's not fair that, because he's been without his wife for 18 months, that you should become his new punching bag. Maybe his wife used to tell him what to do, where to go, what to wear, etc. and now he feels lost because he doesn't have someone controlling his every move. I mean that in a good way as I run the house (schedules, pay bills, etc.) and my DH would be absolutely bonkers trying to get everything back on course should I unfortunately not be around anymore. I think he is lost like a small child because his wife was like his mother. I would absolutely tell him how you feel in no uncertain terms and tell him you are here to help but will not tolerate being bullied under any circumstances. Offer to help him organize his home, life, work if that is what he needs. Again, stand up for yourself. This baloney argument about the filing cabinet??? I would get right in his face and say "I've been asking you for a filing cabinet for a long time - don't you DARE come at me saying 'why didn't you get a filing cabinet' bull crap! But I'm Irish so it's easy for me to be outspoken but I'd also be brave enough to offer my help. If it's not in you to do so and you feel uncomfortable or feel it's way beyond help, then the best thing would be to move on. You have no obligations to this man and your life and marriage and family are first priority. Good luck!

 

[sfw2]

Do you consider yourself a friend of this man, or "just" an employee? If it's the former, I would find a time to sit down with him and, calmly, discuss the situation. If it's the latter, do you know any of his friends? Perhaps they could intercede on your behalf.

Sorry you're going through this, and sorry for his situation, but . . .

 

[lnm03]

I have offered to help....at home with his kids everything....I have told him several times if you need anything I am here! We use to be a good team....talked about anything and everything....hes not just a boss I consider him a friend....but anytime I try to talk to him about this he gets very VERY defensive. and yes his wife coordinated EVERYTHING for him....even called me to put things in his calendar so he wouldnt miss anything! When he confronts me on things and he is wrong I do tell him he's wrong....in regards to the filing cabinet I told him so what am I just suppose to charge it to your credit card and have them deliver it? he said well no...so I said what am I suppose to do? he didnt answer.

 

[rancher hicks]

Well now lets see.

Is he just your boss, or Thee boss? Does he have othe family? You said he's a single parent now? Does he have friends outside the business? Were you friends at work? Did you socialize outside of work? All the questions are important.

Some ideas of what you can do or could have done. Not that your obligated mind you.

1. Recommend a bereavement group. I have a friend whose wife died and he was going to those and is now happily married.

2. Ask to take the kids or offer some ideas to help if they are school age. Ask how they are? (he may feel alone and one faze is anger that his wife left him) Nothing makes sense most of the time when your grieving and he still is I suspect.

3. Invite him and the kids to a cook out. Invite some of your other friends and maybe someone from the head of the Bereavemnet group. If his kids are older invite friends who have kids the same age. Keep it simple no sit down intimate dinners.

4. Sit him down and tell him what you've told us and remind him over and over that you want to help. "I'm your friend not your enemy". Rehearse this line over and over til you get it down and don't forget to say it. Or just start out with it. Also, and this is important, finish the conversation with a compliment to him about something he does well.

Now if he has a boss over him talk to this person and suggest they tell him if he wants to keep his job he has to attend "bereavement sessions". I think he is still grieveing but in a "distructive" way rather than a "constructive" way. Grieving does not have a set time limit and can take years. Like it or not he needs counseling. Counseling is just seeking advice and not does not mean your crazy. I suggest your try some or all of these things, but start with the bereavement counseling first.

Hope some of this helps.

Rancher