Need advice... co dependant empty nester helping kids

[maf2008]

Need advice... co dependant empty nester helping kids My kids are grown.. I need advice to soothe me fast... their ages are 24 son. 23 daughter and 18 year old son... are are normal and drug free decent young people that are great kids and no problems right?????

I was relieved that my kids are doing well....my daughter blessed me with a "grandson/son" (her age 16) that my husband and I adopted and she lived with us until alll until she got married at age 18..

Well she got married, has 2 more children (girls) and the more I help her with diapers/food/money... the worse she is disrespectful/rude and not thankful for anything... its the same thing.

She doesnt drive and stays at home with her kids. her husband works 2 jobs but does not buy food or basic things for the kids... so they are usually without basic things they need... the more money/food/diapers I give my daughter.. the less the son in law pays on bills and goes out and buys TV computers and needless junk at the store....

SHOULD I BACK OFF and not be the "bank of mom" until the son in law does something and becomes responsible???? My grandkids need things but I am already raising one of her kids (who I love and will never regret on minute!) Should I not feel guilty? will she learn more trying to figure it out on her own ??? Please I need a voice of experience here... are there any co dependant grandma empty nesters out there that want to save for retirement but feel guilty????? all advice is appreicated and thanks in advance.

 

[Wifezilla]

Don't give them a dime and if it looks like the kids are not getting their needs met, you call social services. Period.

These people are moochers and will not stop.

 

[teach1rusl]

You are the goose who lays golden eggs. Why should your daughter and her husband grow up and provide for themselves when you provide what they need??? You want to help them??? Offer to babysit so that they can attend a budgeting class together. YOU do a search to find a person or place that will help them make a budget, so they don't have the excuse of "well I don't know of any place..." I know you love your daughter, but trust me, she is getting money to buy groceries with, whether she tells you otherwise or not. Where is that money going is the question. Her husband is responsible enough to work TWO jobs (a worthless husband wouldn't even try to get a job, much less two of them); he's not going to watch his family go hungry. It kind of sounds like you're putting all the blame on him??? Be strong and offer no more financial support!!! In the end, you're hurting them, not helping them... Good luck with everything! Parenting is the hardest job in the world, isn't it???

 

[AhBee01]

Dr Phil says cut them loose! The more you help the more you enable them to not help their selves.
If you feel the kids (her children) are suffering, then maybe step in and buy food, or clothes, or what it is they need, but do not give them money, they will not buy what the kids need.
Have your daughter work off some of the food you give them.
Offer to help her learn to drive, it was a great boost to help me feel independent. I didn't drive till I was 24, and I was a single Mom of twin boys. I was empowered when I learned to drive.
I was then able to get a job, and get there with out my parents help.
They did babysit for me, when they could. I was a proud person, and didn't expect handouts from my parents, though.
I know a lot of kids that just take, take, take, and think their parents owe it to them, You don't, you raised them, and now it's their turn.
It is so hard not to want to help. Helping is one thing, supporting is another.
So ask your daughter if she would like a job, give her some things to do to earn the money she needs.
She will be hostile at first, but who knows maybe deep down she feels awful, and might be why she treats you that way.
Good luck, I hope you find a solution that works for you.

 

[Southernbelle]

It sounds like they have enough money, but don't want to spend it on appropriate things when they know they can get a bit extra from you. They have learned to manipulate you with a sob story to get money; I'm sure the real situation isn't as dire as they are making it out to be. Maybe when they ask for a handout, you can invite them over for a meal or offer to watch the kids on their payday so they could go grocery shopping.

 

[muell112]

On one hand helping them enables them to continue doing what they're doing (or not doing). On the other hand, someone has got to be responsible for the welfare of the kids. I would never give them money outright because you don't know where it's going to get spent. This might be one for Dr. Phil to intervene on.

 

[DawnSuiter]

Your wonderful for trying to help so much, I hope you find a peaceful solution that sits right in your heart.

Just remember when your considering pulling back that kids are resilient, and probably WON"T remember later in life some of the struggles they and their parents faced when they were still young... that means NOW is the time to step back and let your kids figure out how to be full time parents.

I'm sure it hurts to see them in a way that you could fix, but you can't fix it for them long term... they have to fix it, and struggle, and sometimes go hungry to learn their lesson. Have some faith that your DD knows there is another way and will wise up. And KNOW that if need be, you can step in and take those kids on temporarily if say social services became involved.

Good luck to you and your family, you deserve a MEDAL of HONOR!

--- I'm still young and have no experience... just a 15 y/o DD of my own, and I have nightmares that this too will happen to me someday.

 

[CoopCrazy]

Cut her off.. If you are worried the kids arent eating .. Then bring them to your house for dinner and tell the parents they have to feed themselves elswhere... trust me it will only get worse the longer you wait.. My sister went thru a faze like that and my folks were going poor trying to keep her house for her.. you just have to decide enough is enough.. I love the idea of making her work for ANY money you give her.. Say sure honey you can borrow $x but I do need some help with the garage first... And as far as her being rude.. Put her in her place and tell her you will not be assiting them in any way until her attitude changes... Tough Love seems the only way anymore... Good lUck

 

[birdnutz]

BOY do I reconze myself in what you just wrote. It's a tough one isnt it? I really don't have any answers for you. Just letting you know that I'm dealing with the same thing and understand where you're coming from.
I finally told the that there was only 2 things I wouldn't let happen. Homeless and hungry. I've been both with a child, i just can't let mine do the same thing.
You can PM me any time. Maybe comiserate together. LOL

 

[PineappleMama]

I'm with the rest of the crew here, she is a grown adult, she and hubby should be responsible for themselves. Especially when you consider that she was already given a second chance. Does she have any clue how much harder her life would have been if you and Dad hadn't stepped up and taken her first child? Rather than learning from that experience she's just continuing to mooch. Knowing you have a soft spot, as is TOTALLY normal, for your grandbabies she can use that to manipulate you into giving her what she wants... even if that means you paying for diapers so she has money to blow on what she wants. Grrr, I hate users.

One thing my mom did when she knew my sis was doing things she shouldn't be (IE spending child support to support a habit-drug habit, shopping habit, etc) was instead of giving cash, to give a gift card to the grocery. If someone really wants cash they can sell a GC, or food stamps for that matter, but it eased her mind that she wasn't just giving cash that she could blow on new shoes for herself. Kroger doesn't sell Nikes after all, so that money had to be spent on toilet paper, diapers, etc. Once that GC was used up, that was IT. If you wanted to give something, but also wanted them to learn budgeting that's something you may want to consider... maybe $10/week on a giftcard to the store near them... to be used for diapers or whatever... but if they blow it having T-bones for supper then they're just out of luck. And, in case of emergency get her some cloth diapers, pins, and plastic pants. Odds are after having to use those, and wash those, she'll budget for disposables a little better.

And don't beat yourself up too bad. Everyone blames the mother... I admit there are some of my quirks that trace back to mine... but even so I also know that I'm grown and not a chick any more... I CHOSE to bring my kiddos into the world, and by doing so I make a promise to care for them, protect them, provide for them... Grama didn't make that oath, Mom did (as you did the same with her back when and fully lived up to your promise and then some) and she's the one that needs to be paying the piper.

If these folks truly cannot provide adaquate food, shelter, clothing, etc for their children then a visit from social services might be the harsh wakeup call they need. But, be warned, those people are awful to get rid of once they've been called. Even if it was only a prank (my uncle when through that) it is STILL very hard. Consider that, but don't let it scare you off if you truly fear for the kids welfare.