- Thread starter
- #11
Stephie-Pie
Chirping
Brag away! You EARNED it!! Thank you!!I'll read through it! Not to brag, but I did just get an 8 on a persuasive essay
Here is the most recent draft...
Need Opinions/Suggestions On a letter to Village Council!
- Thread starter Stephie-Pie
- Start date
Here is the most recent draft...
Chickenman MAN
Songster
1.) I'd make it personal. "I could not be more thrilled with my decision".
2.) "So although I am “new” to the village I consider myself “seasoned” nonetheless." (I'd say there is a comma splice)
3.) " I was very surprised to learn that in our small town of less than 2000 people we are restricted from raising poultry on our own properties. " (I'd say a comma splice)
4.) " and what and how I choose to eat was being restricted by such a freedom loving town such as Camden." (I'd cut out the what, how implies what you eat as well and otherwise it sounds clunky)
5.) " Now, I know what you are likely thinking... Oh no, another crazy chicken lady! " (; instead of an ellipsis?)
6.) But if you would allow me some time to explain some VERY common misconceptions about raising backyard chickens and how valuable they are to a community that has values like ours are, I think you may change your perception.
(Ok. Here's how I'd write this (considering you want to be persuasive and not forceful): But I would like to explain some very common misconceptions about raising backyard chickens, and explain how valuable they are to a community with values like ours. (I changed a few bits and cut out the "change your perception bit" people don't like being told to do (supposedly) plus it is clear that this is a persuasive article already)
7.) " human way of chicken keeping." Personally, I find this vague. What do you mean to say here?
8.) "Many elderly people enjoy the hobby of chicken keeping for this very reason " I'd cut the elderly bit. This is about the whole town, it makes it seem more significant if you include the whole town. Heck, I'd even bring in examples or quotes from people about pet chickens to reinforce your point.
9.) "As we all know, growing up today was nothing like when most of us were children and it’s becoming harder and harder for children to enjoy the simple things in life as more and more things become restricted to them, yet we wonder why our kids sit on tablets and cell phones all day. Raising animals teaches kids empathy, responsibility, and it gets them excited about going outside! Not to mention science…and don’t get me started on Chicken Math! (yes, it’s a real thing!)" (This is a bit long and clunky. Here is my version: "As we all know, growing up is nothing like when most of us were children. It is becoming ever more difficult for children to enjoy the simple things in life as things become more restricted. Raising animals teaches children empathy, responsibility, and it gets them excited about going outside! Not to mention science, and don't get me started on Chicken Math (yes it exists)! "
10.) "which helps make our water supplies and backyards safer and is a much better solution than pesticides " (It's clunky. My version: "which helps make our water supplies and backyards safer without the damage of pesticides")
11.) " soil while happily" (Maybe just me but I'd say "whilst")
12.) " Chickens spend HOURS a day cleaning themselves and dust bathing. Chickens do NOT smell. Chicken feces smells, just like any other animal waste (Yeah, your dog’s poo doesn’t smell like roses, sorry.) As with ANY pet, with proper maintenance, there should be no smell. Speaking of poo (yes, we are still talking about poo.) Chicken poo is actually USEFUL and can be used as nutrient rich fertilizer but your Dog’s poo?? It’s pretty much useless. " (Okay, this is going a bit OTT. You want to be friendly however, there is a border. Here is my version: "Chickens spend hours every day cleaning themselves. Chicken faeces don't smell any more than your dog's might. As with any pet and proper maintenance, there should be no smell. Not only that, chicken faeces are also incredibly useful as fertilizer.")
13.) " y, A Forbes list of top ten U.S. Housing markets that appreciated in Value showed that ALL TEN of these markets permitted chicken-keeping. " (My version: a Forbes Top Ten U.S housing markets list that appreciated in value shows that all ten permit chicken keeping)
14.) " Chickens require very little land to be well kept, and backyard chickens are certainly offered vast amounts of more space than what is offered in most commercial and battery cage operations. " (Be more specific. Interpretations of "very little land" will vary.)
15.) " Actually, rodents are attracted to feed, not chickens. Many chickens actually eat rodents such as the native Ohio chicken breed, the Buckeye. Predators are attracted to practically everything, including garbage cans. So having chickens poses no more of a risk to attracting predators than your garbage can or wild bird feeders you keep in your yards. As long as feed is stored properly (as with ANY animal feed or food, and chickens are secured in their coops at night, rodents and predators should not become any more of a risk than areas that have garbage cans or bird feeders. " (A few issues; facts and repetition. My version: "Some rodents are attracted to chicken eggs, such as rats. However, this feeds back into responsible chicken keeping. As long as the owner provides a secure coop and run this risk is non-existent. In fact, many chickens actually eat rodents such as the native Ohio chicken breed, the Buckeye. ")
16.) " With all of this being said, I would hope that the council would reconsider its stance on Backyard Chicken keeping. The freedom to eat what I want, grow what I want, and to use my property the way I see fit is very important to me and to many others. I see no reason why raising chickens would be in any way harmful to the community or to others and thus, see no reason any government authority should interfere in my liberty if it is causing no harm to anyone else. I propose that we adopt a new ordinance that includes the following (or something similar) for the land owners of residential properties in our wonderful village… " ( A few changes: "With all of this said, I hope that the council recognises the benefits of backyard chicken keeping and will reconsider its stance. America is built on freedom and many people (including myself), find it incredibly important to be allowed to use our land how we see fit, especially when there are only benefits to doing so. I propose we adopt a new ordinance that includes the following: "
17.) "free ranging chickens is not permitted." (Free not free)
18.) "4. Chickens must be kept in the backyard/rear of the property. 5. A minimum of four (4) square feet of space per chicken shall be provided in a securely enclosed run as well as a secure, predator-proof, coop which shall provide at least two (2) square feet of space for each chicken. " (Some weird formatting going on here, change in font and line spacing on the document. Plus it should be at least 10 square feet outside and 4 square feet inside.)
19.) " human methods must be us "(Humane not human.)
20.) " be stored in metal predator proof-containers " (Forget the 'metal' part.)
21.) " Chicken coops and runs must be kept at least 25 ft away from neighboring property lines. 10. Chicken, chicken coops and chicken runs shall be maintained and shall be regularly cleaned to control dust, odor, and waste so as to not create a nuisance, constitute a safety hazard, health problem, or unreasonable disturbance to surrounding properties. 11. Chicken waste shall only be stored in a reasonable, airtight, predator proof container or buried in order for it to be used as compost " (Weird formatting again.)
22.) " . Chicken waste shall only be stored in a reasonable, airtight, predator proof container or buried in order for it to be used as compost. " (No predator wants to eat chicken poo. You should be more worried about smell. Say that it should only be used as compost in a compost bin. Not just piled up somewhere.)
24.) A one time Camden Village Chicken Permit must be obtained at the cost of (45 dollars?) OR An annual permit must be obtained at the cost of (25 dollars?) (Hm, I'd make it you have to get the $45 one for life, not yearly. But that's just me)
There it is! This is just how I would write it, plus some grammatical mistakes. I wish you well!
2.) "So although I am “new” to the village I consider myself “seasoned” nonetheless." (I'd say there is a comma splice)
3.) " I was very surprised to learn that in our small town of less than 2000 people we are restricted from raising poultry on our own properties. " (I'd say a comma splice)
4.) " and what and how I choose to eat was being restricted by such a freedom loving town such as Camden." (I'd cut out the what, how implies what you eat as well and otherwise it sounds clunky)
5.) " Now, I know what you are likely thinking... Oh no, another crazy chicken lady! " (; instead of an ellipsis?)
6.) But if you would allow me some time to explain some VERY common misconceptions about raising backyard chickens and how valuable they are to a community that has values like ours are, I think you may change your perception.
(Ok. Here's how I'd write this (considering you want to be persuasive and not forceful): But I would like to explain some very common misconceptions about raising backyard chickens, and explain how valuable they are to a community with values like ours. (I changed a few bits and cut out the "change your perception bit" people don't like being told to do (supposedly) plus it is clear that this is a persuasive article already)
7.) " human way of chicken keeping." Personally, I find this vague. What do you mean to say here?
8.) "Many elderly people enjoy the hobby of chicken keeping for this very reason " I'd cut the elderly bit. This is about the whole town, it makes it seem more significant if you include the whole town. Heck, I'd even bring in examples or quotes from people about pet chickens to reinforce your point.
9.) "As we all know, growing up today was nothing like when most of us were children and it’s becoming harder and harder for children to enjoy the simple things in life as more and more things become restricted to them, yet we wonder why our kids sit on tablets and cell phones all day. Raising animals teaches kids empathy, responsibility, and it gets them excited about going outside! Not to mention science…and don’t get me started on Chicken Math! (yes, it’s a real thing!)" (This is a bit long and clunky. Here is my version: "As we all know, growing up is nothing like when most of us were children. It is becoming ever more difficult for children to enjoy the simple things in life as things become more restricted. Raising animals teaches children empathy, responsibility, and it gets them excited about going outside! Not to mention science, and don't get me started on Chicken Math (yes it exists)! "
10.) "which helps make our water supplies and backyards safer and is a much better solution than pesticides " (It's clunky. My version: "which helps make our water supplies and backyards safer without the damage of pesticides")
11.) " soil while happily" (Maybe just me but I'd say "whilst")
12.) " Chickens spend HOURS a day cleaning themselves and dust bathing. Chickens do NOT smell. Chicken feces smells, just like any other animal waste (Yeah, your dog’s poo doesn’t smell like roses, sorry.) As with ANY pet, with proper maintenance, there should be no smell. Speaking of poo (yes, we are still talking about poo.) Chicken poo is actually USEFUL and can be used as nutrient rich fertilizer but your Dog’s poo?? It’s pretty much useless. " (Okay, this is going a bit OTT. You want to be friendly however, there is a border. Here is my version: "Chickens spend hours every day cleaning themselves. Chicken faeces don't smell any more than your dog's might. As with any pet and proper maintenance, there should be no smell. Not only that, chicken faeces are also incredibly useful as fertilizer.")
13.) " y, A Forbes list of top ten U.S. Housing markets that appreciated in Value showed that ALL TEN of these markets permitted chicken-keeping. " (My version: a Forbes Top Ten U.S housing markets list that appreciated in value shows that all ten permit chicken keeping)
14.) " Chickens require very little land to be well kept, and backyard chickens are certainly offered vast amounts of more space than what is offered in most commercial and battery cage operations. " (Be more specific. Interpretations of "very little land" will vary.)
15.) " Actually, rodents are attracted to feed, not chickens. Many chickens actually eat rodents such as the native Ohio chicken breed, the Buckeye. Predators are attracted to practically everything, including garbage cans. So having chickens poses no more of a risk to attracting predators than your garbage can or wild bird feeders you keep in your yards. As long as feed is stored properly (as with ANY animal feed or food, and chickens are secured in their coops at night, rodents and predators should not become any more of a risk than areas that have garbage cans or bird feeders. " (A few issues; facts and repetition. My version: "Some rodents are attracted to chicken eggs, such as rats. However, this feeds back into responsible chicken keeping. As long as the owner provides a secure coop and run this risk is non-existent. In fact, many chickens actually eat rodents such as the native Ohio chicken breed, the Buckeye. ")
16.) " With all of this being said, I would hope that the council would reconsider its stance on Backyard Chicken keeping. The freedom to eat what I want, grow what I want, and to use my property the way I see fit is very important to me and to many others. I see no reason why raising chickens would be in any way harmful to the community or to others and thus, see no reason any government authority should interfere in my liberty if it is causing no harm to anyone else. I propose that we adopt a new ordinance that includes the following (or something similar) for the land owners of residential properties in our wonderful village… " ( A few changes: "With all of this said, I hope that the council recognises the benefits of backyard chicken keeping and will reconsider its stance. America is built on freedom and many people (including myself), find it incredibly important to be allowed to use our land how we see fit, especially when there are only benefits to doing so. I propose we adopt a new ordinance that includes the following: "
17.) "free ranging chickens is not permitted." (Free not free
)18.) "4. Chickens must be kept in the backyard/rear of the property. 5. A minimum of four (4) square feet of space per chicken shall be provided in a securely enclosed run as well as a secure, predator-proof, coop which shall provide at least two (2) square feet of space for each chicken. " (Some weird formatting going on here, change in font and line spacing on the document. Plus it should be at least 10 square feet outside and 4 square feet inside.)
19.) " human methods must be us "(Humane not human.)
20.) " be stored in metal predator proof-containers " (Forget the 'metal' part.)
21.) " Chicken coops and runs must be kept at least 25 ft away from neighboring property lines. 10. Chicken, chicken coops and chicken runs shall be maintained and shall be regularly cleaned to control dust, odor, and waste so as to not create a nuisance, constitute a safety hazard, health problem, or unreasonable disturbance to surrounding properties. 11. Chicken waste shall only be stored in a reasonable, airtight, predator proof container or buried in order for it to be used as compost " (Weird formatting again.)
22.) " . Chicken waste shall only be stored in a reasonable, airtight, predator proof container or buried in order for it to be used as compost. " (No predator wants to eat chicken poo. You should be more worried about smell. Say that it should only be used as compost in a compost bin. Not just piled up somewhere.)
24.) A one time Camden Village Chicken Permit must be obtained at the cost of (45 dollars?) OR An annual permit must be obtained at the cost of (25 dollars?) (Hm, I'd make it you have to get the $45 one for life, not yearly. But that's just me)
There it is! This is just how I would write it, plus some grammatical mistakes. I wish you well!
You are still advocating for far too little space for healthy, happy QUIET chickens.
They need 4 sq ft of space per bird in the coop and at LEAST 10 sq ft per bird in the run, I feel 12 is better, or more.
Chickenman MAN
Songster
Yeah I said that too. Chickens with more space are happy chickens!
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