Need some advice on a family issue

[HeatherLynn]

RHRANCH you cannot just leave it there. Give her a little hope. Like eventually you will go insane but your niece will grow up and then she gets to go insane too and insanity is sorta fun when you get used to it. Throw her a bone.

 

[RHRanch]

RHRANCH you cannot just leave it there. Give her a little hope. Like eventually you will go insane but your niece will grow up and then she gets to go insane too and insanity is sorta fun when you get used to it. Throw her a bone.

I was going to elaborate, but it was late and I was tired.... HeatherLynn is right, all that other stuff will happen too, and eventually insane will be your new normal and if you ever get to live in a house without all your extended relatives you will wonder how you did it for soooo long!

 

[Mattemma]

I would have a sit down,and let parents know it is THEIR choice to tolerate this behavior,but you choose not too.It would be good to save to move.Sometimes limited contact is better.Until then have your space,and if need be lock the door.I can not imagine having a child verbally attack me,and then my parents backing her.Poor behavior on their part.Really quite sad that people would want to live like that.Home is supposed to be the haven.

Let them know how depressing and stressful it is to live like this.Let them know often.If things don't improve leave.

 

[Bunnylady]

I think this girl is in pain, and that's why she's being a pain.

Her mother abandoned her. She has a new guy, and a new baby, so she dumped her daughter and bolted. I can't imagine what it must feel like to think that your own mother doesn't give a hoot about you, especially when she obviously cares enough about your sibling to take them along. So this girl is very hurt and angry, and she's taking it out on any adult within reach. Since the OP is the mother's sister, she makes a particularly good stand-in for the mother that this child is really upset with. I'm wondering if the reason the niece blew up about the stuff for the Salvation Army, is because she somehow identified with the things that were being given away, sort of like the way she feels that she herself has been discarded?

I suspect the grandparents aren't thrilled to be raising their grandchild, either. Older folks simply haven't the energy that dealing with children requires; I'm sure they were thinking that their child-rearing days were over. (I suspect they also have some issues with the mother who would abandon her child like that). It seems to me that sometimes, the G-parents are treating the OP like a child ("you need to play nice with your little sister") and at others, are expecting the OP to parent the niece for them.

There definitely needs to be some ground rules set here. A lot of it has to do with treating each other with the respect they deserve. Absolutely, the OP has the right to set boundaries, with the child and with the grandparents. "I do not deserve to be spoken to like that, and I will not be treated that way" are things that she is well within her rights to say. I don't agree with "punishing" anybody in this situation, but there should be a clear understanding that actions have consequences, and violations of the very sensible rules will have very well understood consequences.

I'm curious, where is the OP's husband in this? Maybe, being a "disinterested party", he can help to spell out the rules in a way that will seem a bit more fair to all parties. (though I can't blame him if he just wants to stay out of it, either!)

 

[BackyardFarmMom]

That is alsosome great insight BunnyLady! Well spoken.

I am sure she is hurt... heck, everyone is hurt in this situation. The language and the behavior are her trying to cope, to show her frustration and anger.

She needs to feel loved and wanted. I would hope that once this is achieved the bad behaviors will subside.

Maybe, she really liked some of the items you were giving away and was disappointed you did not offer them (I know my sister would have been- she is 14 years younger than me and just a tween now)

Something extra might be needed. A third party. A councelor or therapist. Just so everyone can get their feelings out in the open and progress can be made.

I can tell you from experience that people "see" parents in children. My MIL dislikes her daughters son because he is his fathers child. She treats my son and SIL's son very differently. SIL even lives with MIL now... That is a wild other tale.