Need your advice, please!

[Frosty]

A bit of background... my brother was married for 18 or 19 years, and left his wife for a another woman. The woman in question is an ex-girlfriend from his younger days. I don't agree with what he did how he handled it, but there is nothing that I can do about that.

He was very close to his daughter before he left. Somehow she managed to not know that anything was wrong with her parents marriage during the last years before he split, so I think it took her by surprise (she was 17 at the time). Even though before he left the daughter was closer to him than she was to her mother, she sided with her mother. With the way my brother acted, I can't blame her.

The divorce was pretty ugly, and the ex took my brother to the cleaners (and did her best to turn the daughter against him). About a year after the divorce, the ex remarried. The daughter still refuses to meet the 'other woman' and is apparently upset that my brother married her (about 6 months after the mother remarried).

My brother doesn't have a fb page, but his daughter does. She is 22 now, and accepted me as a friend though she won't talk to me so I think I am just a number to add to how many friends she has. I leave it as it is because at least I can see what she is up to. She has her privacy set so that you can't find her by name anymore. The thing is, she changed her last name on fb to her mothers new married last name. Some of her friends commented and she said that she 'finally got around to changing it', and 'it finally went through'. My brother is paying a large part of her college tuition, and every time the daughter needs anything they hit him up for more money. He makes a good salary, but since the divorce he is having trouble paying his own bills because of them.

I have trouble feeling too sorry for him because of his behavior and the fact that he let his ex walk all over him during the divorce (all she had to do was tell him to 'think of his daughter' and he gave her what ever she wanted), but if there is a chance that the daughter legally changed her name, should he be told?

 

[WIChookchick]

Stay out of it, be there for your niece if she needs it. If she posts a picture, like it and post a nice comment.
The issues between her and her father are not your issues, and if you put your opinion and feel you need to get involved, you risk alienating both of them.
Be a friend to her, be a sister and friend to your brother.
Their will come a time when they may want to reconnect, and you can be a friend to them when they do.

 

[clairabean]

Maybe he does know?

 

[Frosty]

Quote:
Actually, she isn't friends with anyone in the family. If we write, she ignores us. I keep an eye on her because one time she posted something that sounded suicidal, and I called her mother immediately.

The kid treats her father really badly... He bought the tickets to take her to a rock festival that she wanted to go to, he always does that. But this time she wrote to him and told him that 'she didn't want to be with him for 10 hours so now she didn't want to go and says he scares her? He sent her the tickets (close to $100 each), looking at fb she went but never acknowledged him sending the tickets, or the birthday card with gift certificates. I just let him talk and don't get involved, but really have to wonder if her should know about the name change. I was thinking about letting his wife know and see what she thinks.

 

[Frosty]

Quote:
I think he would have told me if he knew. I just got an email this morning about her other behavior.

 

[Oregon Blues]

Stay out of it. It doesn't matter what her name is, she is still his daughter and if he agreed to pay for her college, then his agreement about how to care for his own child is none of your business.

Maybe you should admire the fact that he is taking responsibility for his child, unlike many straying husbands.

 

[greeneggsandham]

If I was your brother yes I would want to know if she did legally change her last name to her mother's new name. And then I would stop paying for anything, because in my eyes she has a new father that should be footing the bill for things. That is pretty harsh for her to do that if it is true. Her mother sounds like a piece of work.
Yes what your brother did was not right, but of course we all know there are two or three sides to everything. Who's to say the ex wasn't doing something that he had found out about.

My husband was married for 25 years to a witch of a woman. They had four kids. His ex did everything in her power to make the divorce has brutal as possible. She turned their daughter and three sons against him, but as time went on the boys realized their mother was a nut job and moved out when they were 18.
His daughter got married last year and she couldn't understand why he didn't want to walk her down the aisle or give her any money for the wedding. She hadn't talked to him in over 12 years, but wanted $15,000 for her wedding that she felt she was entiled to. He said go see your mother, you wrote me out of your life the day you wanted to take the stand and lie about witinessing me hit your mother when you were living in FL. He never hit her and the truth ended up coming out in court. She got the house and he got the 125,000 in the bank account that the ex tried to steal and hide.

 

[Frosty]

Quote:
He would have told us if the ex was doing something besides spending his money as fast as he could make it and being very controlling (right down to not letting him take his vacation because he would lose his overtime pay). An example of what I don't approve of... he was having the affair and is proud of the fact that he was 'always honest and told his wife where he was going.' He was proud of the fact that he never lied to her about it, I feel that was plain cruel.

His daughter is an only child, and she has one cousin who is also an only child. Several members of the ex's side of the family are well off. For every holiday they put a sizable amount of cash away for a college fund for the two girls. The fund was hidden in grandma's name so it wouldn't interfere with the girls getting scholarships and grants. Our side of the family didn't contribute because we weren't well off and where they have just the two girls to spoil, my parents have 11 grandchildren and numerous nieces and nephews. Since they couldn't do that for all of the grandchildren, they didn't do it for any. The ex was always telling mom how much her family was putting im. Now according to the ex, her mother won't release the money because she would have to pay taxes. So the ex and her lawyer forced my brother to pay, and the daughter is going to med school. I think he has to pay something like $1800 a month? And the ex insists that he write the check to her so that the daughter doesn't blow it on something else. For all we know, grandma might have released the money and the ex might be putting this in her own account.

But that's pretty much how I feel, if she took the other mans name, maybe he should be paying. The ex already had him stuck with her credit card bill (he couldn't close the account because her name was on it too) and she and the new husband got the house that was worth over $250,000 and he got $3 for his share.

 

[greeneggsandham]

Quote:
He would have told us if the ex was doing something besides spending his money as fast as he could make it and being very controlling (right down to not letting him take his vacation because he would lose his overtime pay). An example of what I don't approve of... he was having the affair and is proud of the fact that he was 'always honest and told his wife where he was going.' He was proud of the fact that he never lied to her about it, I feel that was plain cruel.

His daughter is an only child, and she has one cousin who is also an only child. Several members of the ex's side of the family are well off. For every holiday they put a sizable amount of cash away for a college fund for the two girls. The fund was hidden in grandma's name so it wouldn't interfere with the girls getting scholarships and grants. Our side of the family didn't contribute because we weren't well off and where they have just the two girls to spoil, my parents have 11 grandchildren and numerous nieces and nephews. Since they couldn't do that for all of the grandchildren, they didn't do it for any. The ex was always telling mom how much her family was putting im. Now according to the ex, her mother won't release the money because she would have to pay taxes. So the ex and her lawyer forced my brother to pay, and the daughter is going to med school. I think he has to pay something like $1800 a month? And the ex insists that he write the check to her so that the daughter doesn't blow it on something else. For all we know, grandma might have released the money and the ex might be putting this in her own account.

But that's pretty much how I feel, if she took the other mans name, maybe he should be paying. The ex already had him stuck with her credit card bill (he couldn't close the account because her name was on it too) and she and the new husband got the house that was worth over $250,000 and he got $3 for his share.

That right there is why a good many men and women end up cheating on their spouse. The other is a control freak and end up pushing them away into someones elses arms.

He does realize that he can take her back to court to get things changed right? I would be letting the courts know that she has a colleg fund and he should not have to pay $1800 a month for it. Why doesn't he just send the money to the school? Sounds like the ex is still taking him for all the money she can get from him.

His ex is raising the daughter to be just like her a money hungry, disrepectful person.

And your brother had a crummy lawyer by the sounds of it.

 

[Frosty]

Yes, he did have a crummy lawyer... we tried to get him to get another lawyer. The college money is in an account in the grandmother's name, no way to prove anything.

I really feel that he should know, but I will listen to the cooler heads here and grind my teeth while keeping my mouth shut. I just really hope that if he finds out and confronts her, he forgives me if she tells him that I am a fb friend and didn't tell him. Since I only have 24 friends, it's hard for me to not see it. Maybe I should go on a rampage and pick up 300 more friends in a hurry so I could say that I didn't see it?

I hate fb...