Not Happy

[Okie Amazon]

Quote:
Absolute TRUTH here. My DHs' entire family, his mother most particularly, have largely been cut out of our lives altogether. Why let someone make you unhappy and worse yet, make your children and husband unhappy. I would try the "ground rules" approach, because it sounds like she's a-coming whether you like it or not, but I would put her in a motel and make it tactfully clear that your families' emotional well-being is your priority and if she cannot play by the rules, you will have to discontinue seeing her.

 

[violetsky]

If you show your kids its ok to toss mom to the wayside, guess how they are
going to treat you in a couple of years. Use this as an opportunity to show them
how to deal with difficult people without becoming unraveled. Being respectful and
kind does not mean you have to react to a lot of nonsense. Just go about your business
and have an arsenal of happy platitudes ready to combat all the negativity. "That's Nice Maw Maw",
"Piece of Pie dear", "That must of really disturbed you", "Lifes like that". Just don't let
her get to you, stay focused on your job at hand and only respond genuinely to positive
behavior.

 

[Okie Amazon]

I disagree on that. Showing your children that you allow someone to victimize you AND them is not teaching a useful life skill. To teach that you have to continue to put up with someone that makes you miserable is NOT healthy. "Oh, your husband knocked you flat? Well, dear, YOU must have done something to make him mad! Whistle a happy tune and forge ahead!"

 

[turney31]

Not everyones mother deserves to be treated with respect. She reaps what she has sown. Four children and not one that will speak to her. Unless you have lived a personal hell some Mothers put their families through, please don't judge.

 

[cafarmgirl]

Quote:
I have to agree with this. Some behaviors go way beyond just being irritating and it gets to a point where you have to decide if you can or want to keep trying and if it's even in your best interests to do so.

I am estranged from my father who's choices and behaviors made it impossible for me to keep up a relationship. You can't always make a quick fix of a bad situation by just turning the other cheek.

 

[cackydoodledoo]

I would definitely set some ground rules. DO NOT let her stay with you. Maybe just kindly let her know that the time she is coming is a really busy time for you guys and you would like to see her but it may only be for dinner or something. Keep it simple. I know what you are going through. My mother is a very toxic person and acts in the same way. Always the victim. I finally got fed up with her antics especially the last one when she decided to quit paying the mortgage on a house we share the loan on and didn't bother to tell me until it was almost 60 days late. Better yet she didn't even tell me I found out from my brother. Needless to say we are not speaking and I kind of like it that way. My life is MUCH LESS stressful. Unfortunately I don't have the luxury of her living far away. A person can wish though!!!! Hang in there and hope all goes well and noone ends up in jail!!!!

 

[cackydoodledoo]

Quote:
Amen to that a hundred times over!!!!

 

[herfrds]

Thank you for all the wonderful suggestions and insight.

violetsky this is the same woman who dragged me off to side, at the reception, after my MIL's funeral to tell me that they (my parents) were leaving because no one would speak to them and they were very hurt by everyone's actions.
Our kids saw us take care of my in laws and care for them.
My father practically threw my DS up a flight of stairs when he was 4. DS is scared of my father. Wants nothing to do with him.

What caused the fight between DS and my mother? She told him to clean his room. DS had been out helping us farm and ranch for days on end and instead of talking to me about it my mother got on his case.
He had also just cleaned his room, he also does his own laundry. How many teen age boys do you know who do that? i'm proud of him and I tell him so.

 

[violetsky]

I've been through hell with my inlaws, but things never got physical. I didnt mean there
are not toxic people we all should avoid, just give family a little latitude and deal. Of course anyone
with illegal or violent behavior you don't need to give a backward glance. I was thinking more
in terms with a weeks' visit with a crabby old lady, that I think is character building. I had no idea
kids were being roughed up. Sorry.

 

[redhen]

I dont know... The choice is yours.
My mother gets on my LAST nerve sometimes too, but i can NOT imagine life with out her.
NO way,... when shes dead, shes dead. And i'll never see my mother again...
Its a reality. It'll happen to you someday too.. THink about how you'll REALLY feel at that time.. be honest with yourself..
What a waste...is she really THAT bad?? Just asking because i have no clue how bad she really is to make you feel that way..
Sometimes we need to get over the little petty things in life.
As much as i'd like to brain my mother some days..shes still my mother. My only mother.
Just my opinion. To each their own way though...