Parents that like to "tag along" on dates... :(

[sourland]

Even Sourland did not have the gall to do that, but he did a great job of intimidating his daughter's boyfriends.

With your Mom it's a cultural thing not a matter of distrusting you. Your time shall come.

 

[violetsky]

I think your "mom" problem may relate less to cultural and controlling problems and more towards a mom trying
to make up her loss youth through yours. I would include her, but enlist the help of your friend and do very athletic
and strenuous outings like hiking up steep steep hills or rowing boats for a few miles and generally things that only
the young can do and then push yourself but act like you're having fun. She will then be able to bow out gracefully and feel her age. I did something
similar when my very young children would wake up at night. I would go in to comfort them, but I would HUG and SNUGGLE
them just a little too much to the point they are sending me out of their rooms. My kids always slept through the night when
my friends struggled for years settling their kids down. The idea is, to over comfort over do whatever the insecure person
desires. I bet you'd only have to take one or two outings before she poops out on her own. If she is a city slicker take her
on a really rugged camping weekend, and hike, fish run just go go go. Of course if she is in better shape than you, you might
have to drag her to loud rap concerts or the most boring poetry readings you can find or sit around for hours boring her to death texting or
playing the most inane video games you can find. Or plan 2, date someone with bad hygiene and gross habits, or ask someone
that meets her criteria to pick his nose frequently and go out of his way to send her flying. Problem solved, no mom tag a long and no hurt feelings.

 

[punk-a-doodle]

I think your "mom" problem may relate less to cultural and controlling problems and more towards a mom trying
to make up her loss youth through yours.

Living vicariously through a child or another can actually relate directly to problems with control. That said, overcomforting an insecure person can work in some instances, and is definitely something to try.

Oddly enough she lets me go to dances without her.

With this in mind, I think group dates may be something you can ease her into.

I asked her more about what she did for dates at my age and it turns out she didn't have any dates. In Korea she went to an all girls private school. Her mom died when she was young and relied on her older brother for alot of things, including girly things (like period help). She said that her older brother did alot for her, cooked for her, taught her how to cook and clean clothes, sewing, etc.
She never had any dates until she met my dad. Mom says that her older brother and oldest brother were very protective and controlling. She said at 17 she went off to eat with one of her brother's guy friends and the next day her brother gave his friend hell about it. When my dad and my mom got married, my uncles didn't like my dad for being western. They wouldn't even shake his hand. They were afraid of getting "american germs" and they thought if they touched my dad they would turn american. Harsh.


I guess this explains some, huh?

Quite a lot. Controlling personalities such as the one described often stem from insecurity. Ie. People with OCPD (a controlling personality disorder) generally feel great anquish and stress constantly, and generally come from a controlling background themselves. I'm really glad to hear that it sounds like you two are actually able to comminicate and that she will open up a bit from the sound of it. I would utilize this as much as possible, as that is what is going to help, not only your relationship, but also her ability to more easily move through life.​

 

[Capvin]

I am a father to two grown daughters but when they were of dating age I told them the two rules were, (1) No dating until you are 21 and (2) No sex until I am dead. They, of course, ignored me and if I coiuld have I would have gone with them on their dates but the one rule I always seriously insisted on was to know who they were with and where they were at all times. Your situation is quite a bit different because it is more cultural then anything else and from your story it does seem that it is going to be difficult to convince your mother otherwise. You may just have to wait until you are older and have more freedom. Not satisfactory, I am sure, but other then just ignoring your mother completely I can offer no other advise.

 

[karlamaria]

My daughter is now dating and yep I am on top of it and I make sure she is where she is supposed to be. Dangerous times !
If you want to date fine, tell mom to sit in back row, but cool it about that first kiss etc. It will come in time. What's wrong with mom being there, just tell her you will relax if she sits some where else and several rows back from you. Being a mom of a very beautiful girl, I do this and she is more then cool with it. I'm not going to interfere but she says it takes the pressure off her and the guy does not try anything. Dating alone with a boy in a car has lead to date rapes,.really chill out, you have time in your life for deep talks and so forth, just have fun now. It should not bother you in the least if mom is reading a book etc while your having fun, unless you have other motives. How old are you?

 

[danielle82]

Why don't you invite him over for dinner with your family? Your Mom would be there anyways, so it wouldn't be weird for her to be there.

 

[karlamaria]

If my daughter double dates I allow her to do so , I also let her go with groups of her friends to shows and games . Alone on a date... Nope ! The last guy she went out with tried to get in her pants and she was so set when she got home. She said he was so forceful and though he got nothing she said she would never have thought he would do what he did, I would not have either since he is a family members friends son.

 

[Moochie]

Quote:
My mom doesn't read books.. My mom has alot of pain problems (she's 54) and sometimes she goes overboard on some things. She doesn't have alot of patience and complains alot. That's just some of the cons of my mom.
The pros, very good cook and can be nice when she wants to. My real issue is that I've been embarrassed so many times by her I don't like going anywhere with her. In public she'll smack my butt! It's something she did when I was a little kid and she still does it. I tell her "no mom!" and she gets mad. I especially don't want her to do that in front of other people I know, like school people OR a guy friend. I don't want her grabbing my head and kissing my cheek either. I'm taller than her (her head is at my shoulder) and when she does those things it's embarrassing! And she yells for me... Oh my gosh I hate when she yells for me in a public place. She yells really loud, she has over 3 cellphones (including my own) so why cant she just give me one while I go potty at Wal-Mart and if she needs me just call me? Instead of walking around yelling my name like I'm a dog. I hate that so much. And I've told her how I felt about it and she gets all moody. My guy friend hasn't experienced any of this but I have told him stories.. He always laughs at the butt thing.

At you laugh, not with you laugh. My dad gives me very little advice about it.

 

[Moochie]

Quote:
I'd be scared if I was in that situation. If my guy friend did that it would be fight or flight, I'd probably do both. Intrestingly enough, when I get an adrenaline rush, I sprint like mad and I can jump and climb things like a ninja.

 

[debilorrah]

I guess I am the odd duck here. I had my son invite his girlfriends over for dinner, did my best to make them comfortable, offered a ride to the mall/or wherever, gave him a curfew and went home. Teens need private time with their significant other. I mean I understand if the kid is 14-15, but at 16 my son had a whole lot more freedom, he did have to earn it though. They need to learn their own lessons in life. By the time he got busted with booze bottle under his bed at 17, he grounded himself for 5 weeks.