It's still coming in waves, but I'm mostly okay now. I have a headache from crying, though, and I just keep thinking about her. Her dark eyes, her constant look like she was sizing you up... Her croaky little voice that she always sassed me with when I talked to her... The way she's prod my shoulder like she was so indignant whenever I picked her up, and yet, if I stood by the feed shed, she was more than happy to climb up onto my shoulder... She just had so much life, so much personality, and it's hard to think that that's all gone now. Sigh... Trying to keep it together.
I spent a long time outside with the girls today even though I probably should have spent more time studying and doing homework. Freema and Kate were more than happy to occupy my lap, smushed together as I hugged on them. I just wanted to sit there forever, cherishing them, all of them. The last two losses have been so blindsiding, and it's really sobering to think that at any point, I could lose another one to another similarly unexpected event. We try so hard to keep them safe, but things just happen that are out of our control...
I do think I know what caused Marama to fly into the dog yard, at least. Due to the HPAI outbreak last year, I fenced off the driveway so that the girls can't free-range across it anymore for biosecurity reasons. Well, this creates a 'pocket' where the girls get stuck because they go all the way around the house to the other side of the driveway and don't know to go back around. They can see the coop from there, they just can't figure out how to get to it. They usually pace along the fence until I come out to rescue them, but I think Marama may have tried to fly over to go home, and hopped the wrong fence.

I went ahead and trimmed Ihi and Tiwhiri's wings because they seemed the most likely to try to do the same thing. I think tomorrow I may do the same to Rangi and Roha, even though they aren't as much of fliers, as they're both kind of lightweight and springy and could feasibly get over that fence if they wanted to. The rest of the big gals are too hefty to fly over a 6-foot fence like that, and the bantams never leave the general area of the coop, so I don't think I have anything to worry about with them.
The hardest part right now is looking at the dogs after seeing what they did to her. I try my best not to take it personally when a predator kills one of my birds, but somehow it's harder when a pet kills another pet. I guess part of it is knowing that they are fed enough that they killed her just for the fun of it. It hurts my heart to think about.
I am trying to remind myself, though, that odds are she was killed quickly, and it may have been a kindness considering she had that lump in her side. Who knows how much time she had before that started causing issues, and that could have potentially led to a slow, uncomfortable demise. This way, at least she didn't have to suffer for very long...
On the positives... I have been very upset since finding her, and in this time made a decision out of weakness. Even though it's early to do so, I candled just one of Margie's eggs tonight at roost time. We have at least one baby developing. I didn't look at any other eggs, but there's at least one baby under her.

That gave me one bright note to end the day...