So completely aggravated :(

[Katy]

Part of it is his choice of lifestyle/job. I and my husband have a similar life....we farm and have a cow herd so I can relate to some of what you're feeling.

My hubby also does not like to call people back so I try never to make the offer when someone calls for him that he will call them back. If they ask for him to call back I will relay that message.....then it's his choice whether he does it or not. I have come to the conclusion over the last 36 years that he just really does not like talking on the phone!

Mine doesn't come in and play games.....he comes in and sleeps in his recliner. That's ok tho, I know that he's tired and needs to relax after what are some very long work days....and honestly most days if I haven't been keeping grandkids that day I've been out there with him so I'm just as tired.

We've never really went out on dates either due to our finances....when the kids were young I considered a trip to the cattle sale barn our date....I still do!!

Try to find the pluses in your life together. It's easy to focus on the negatives in our lives. If we do that we end up making ourselves miserable.

 

[gritsar]

Quote:
That's about it!

I'm going through the same thing only on a smaller scale with my DH. Need to register the pup. C'mon! The pup is five months old already! He says he wants to contact the breeder first (to get permission to use the kennel name).
Okay, so do it already! But he hasn't and if I do it for him, he'll be ticked!
I feel for you Cara!

 

[HorseFeatherz NV]

 

[redhen]

It does sound like you are lonely.

Is there any way you can talk to him about it? I'm sorry that your feeling this way.

Also..what game is he playing that hes soooo into on the computer?

 

[cassie]

Honey, you need to make a life of your own with something you enjoy for your own sanity if nothing else. Needlework, reading, gardening, writing, refinishing furniture, something. Also, you might write down what you would like to do and what you would like to be that does not involve him. And then figure out what you have to do to make that happen. For whatever reason, your husband does not seem to want you in his life. The avoiding of conversations, spending time in his room, taking his dinner off by himself to eat it, napping, etc. are avoidance mechanisms. If he wanted to spend time with you he would make it happen. The reasons you listed for his not doing so are just excuses. Whether you want to continue to live like this is up to you. But in any case you do need to make yourself a life. With or without him.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Sounds like a part of it is how he was raised. What kind of work does he do that has him riding all day? Could the expensive saddle be viewed as being a work expense? I am assuming that there are other horses since the one has not been ridden in a year, but he rides all day.

Sounds like you need some riding lessons--anyone around that could teach you?

A date is not necessarily dinner and a movie; it can be a candlelit dinner at home and a walk outside to look at the stars; anything that is time for the two of you to focus on enjoying each other. It sounds like he needs some recreation time to himself; but he is taking way too much. It may be the timing, or it may just be greediness and lack of respect/understanding.

When you serve dinner, do so at the table, no TV. If he grabs his plate to head into his cave tell him that he is welcome to excuse himself, but that dinner is served at the table, not elsewhere.

To a certain extent there are "your" and "my" in a marriage, but not to the extent you mention. If he actually wants to sell the horse, discuss the minimum price y'all will accept and make the deal yourself. If there are questions you cannot answer, write them down, ask him and then make the return call yourself. If the dog needs her vaccinations, make the arrangements yourself. Don't rely on him for everything. Rather, rely on him for as little as possible.

If there is something you cannot do, say something like, "Honey, I cannot fix the sink, every time I try to do anything with the plumbing, I break something, so I am going to schedule the plumber to come out on Friday." (this would be a situation applicable to me--I do many things, but plumb ing and electricity are two I do not touch).

Consider a job where you could work a couple or three long days, with pay sufficient that you could afford a cheap room, apartment or hotel and still be ahead. Or even one where you work through the week and come home on weekends. Maybe not ideal, but it might be better than what you have now.

 

[debilorrah]

I would say if he doesn't call them back, it isn't your problem! Stop advertising it. We have to pick our battles too. I am not up for trying to change a man, so I take him the way he comes. Quiet around others, hates the phone, won't make his own appointments, etc., but he LOVES me dearly and LOVES our animals.

 

[Cara]

I've washed my hands of the whole horse episode. I'll forward him any e-mails, he can answer them or ignore them. He can call people, or miss out on a sale. He's mad that I told him to handle it himself, but I can't do it with no assistance at all. I can't catch the horse to show him to people, and there's no way i'm riding it. It was green broke a year ago. I've tried arranging times for people to come see him, but there's always some reason why it's inconvenient even though his boss is his father and has no problem with him taking a couple of hours off. It's his matter to handle from now on.

DH is a cowboy. I'm not sure whether we could use the saddle as some kind of tax deduction. Luckily we're good friends with the owner of the store, and we can take as long as we need to pay it off.

I try to do as many things for myself as I can, but there are some things that I just can't do. We have furniture and a brand new dishwasher left in our old house because I can't move it alone, and we moved out over a year ago. My FIL has offered to help me because DH won't.

It does have a lot to do with the way he was raised. FIL is a chair-sitter rather than a man cave kind of guy. They both have hermit tendencies. DH is an only child and was mostly raised by his father, we live in the house he grew up in. My FIL remarried almost 2 yrs ago, we've been married for just over 2 yrs. They're stuck in their bachelor ways I guess.

His stepmother and I ride together, she's recovering from ACL surgery but almost back to normal now. We go to shows and clinics together. She's pretty upset that FIL won't go and support her, and DH has no interest in going with me. Maybe she needs to remove his recliner, and I need to seal off the man cave. Perhaps we can have an unexpected power outage all weekend.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

I think it's time that a lot of things "break" just after you and MIL head off for a l-o-n-g weekend in town doing "girl stuff."

For the furniture moving, have a family party, you and MIL plan somehting special, be it a cookout, bbq, fish fry, with dinner served AFTER DH and FIL get back from bringing home the furniture. Give them enough advance notice to get used to the idea. Don't ask, state.

 

[toredano]

He sure sounds alot like my ex..

Seriously.. you sound very unhappy. Did you know he was like that before?
Beeing so far away from everything would drive me crazy for sure. All of my family is still in Germany( except my sister) but I still go out and do stuff for myself. I dont haved any friends per se because we also live pretty isolated and the last female I was friends with just was using us for money and things.So I rather be on my own or spend time with husband. We dont have the same hobbies but we compromise with each other in doing things we both enjoy. He is a certified gun nut and he loves shooting..So I had to buy a gun and shoot with him.( not really into it but sometimes it is fun) You need to maybe get him interested in something you both enjoy.

I can understand he is tired in the afternoon ,I know sitting and working in the saddle is hard work, but he needs to also be a husband and do the things he needs to do as a man and husband. I would have told him a while back to suck it up and take care of his family like it should be. Everyone gets tired from working hard but if he didnt want to be a husband and a have a family, he should have stayed with his mom and dad.

Tell him to get his hiney over to the old house this weekend to pick up the rest of the furniture. If not ,set a add in the paper to sell it.Apparently he doesnt think you need it so why keep it?
Sell the vidoe game thing and use the money to pay off the saddle. Him rather playing videogames after work than spending time with you is rather sad.


Have you guys thought about moving ? seems from your financial situation , he either needs a better job or maybe you need to get one or go back to school to get a good career going. What happends this doesnt work out ? You need to think about it long and hard because at the end you will have to support yourself. What happends if he gets hurt on a horse ? how will you guys eat,how will he support you ?
Look into schools, etc.. Trust me.. at the end , you will need it if this goes south.

I hope it doesnt.I hope you guys will work it out and can be happy. But it seems this one needs alot of work, compromising and talking. If he isnt willing to talk, compromise and try to work on things that are important to you, then you need to do some soulsearching .
Good luck