The Front Porch Swing

[Blooie]

Could also be a generational "this is how I was brought up" thing. Once upon a time, in a land far away, people didn't think the world owed them a living and if they had the means, they paid. Didn't matter what it was.....helping someone change a tire, giving them a lift somewhere.....they made their own way in life and if that included giving a few token dollars to a kind soul who lent a hand they were happy to do so. It made them feel less like "takers" and more like "partners" on this rocky road called day-to-day life.

You know how, during a crisis in life, people always say, "If there is anything I can do, please just call."? We nod, and then we muddle through. Ma taught us to FIND something - anything - that they can do, even if it's just running to grocery store for a quart of milk. They aren't just mouthing the words, they want to feel that they can make a hard time just a little easier. They want to give of themselves to ease your burden. Most people want to feel needed and appreciated. When they slip you that $5.00 for gas they are saying, "You were there when I needed you, and I appreciate it."

 

[KentuckyMom]

Could also be a generational "this is how I was brought up" thing.  Once upon a time, in a land far away, people didn't think the world owed them a living and if they had the means, they paid.  Didn't matter what it was.....helping someone change a tire, giving them a lift somewhere.....they made their own way in life and if that included giving a few token dollars to a kind soul who lent a hand they were happy to do so.  It made them feel less like "takers" and more like "partners" on this rocky road called day-to-day life.  

You know how, during a crisis in life, people always say, "If there is anything I can do, please just call."?  We nod, and then we muddle through.  Ma taught us to FIND something - anything - that they can do, even if it's just running to grocery store for a quart of milk.  They aren't just mouthing the words, they want to feel that they can make a hard time just a little easier.  They want to give of themselves to ease your burden.  Most people want to feel needed and appreciated.  When they slip you that $5.00 for gas they are saying, "You were there when I needed you, and I appreciate it."

Yes, you hit the nail on the head.

 

[bruceha2000]

Bruce, this guy has a serious issue with self worth. He NEEDS to be on the giving end to compensate for some feeling of insecurity or an inferiority complex. My guess is that he needs a lot of validation. Perhaps if you give him a lot of verbal validation, you can help him get past this issue to a point of more trust for good reciprocation in relationships. Or, you could just realize that that's the way he is, and accept his need to be the giver in all situations. There are worse types of neighbors to have!!!!

Yeah I have that figured out. I have the impression his brother is favored. And he had surgery a few years ago that went bad on his shoulder, the other shoulder was already a problem so he eventually got laid off from his job which is why he is currently on disability. Gotta be hard to have a high sense of self esteem in that situation and he sure doesn't have the "love the "no work" government handout lifestyle" mindset. He doesn't have money to replace the gas he wanted to give me but it was an immediate "thank you" thing to him. So I do try to be sensitive to his "need" to overcompensate with the reality of the situation. If he was the neighbor to the north, a fairly wealthy man I gather, I would have said "no need" but if he pressed the issue, I would have taken the gas and said thank you.

We have a fragrance free house due to my daughter's sensitivities. Our new washer came with some stinky "freshener" thing plus stinky sample detergent and we had some old laundry detergent from years ago as well. Plus the new dishwasher came with stinky soap. I have a really hard time throwing away stuff that can be used which is why the old detergent was still around. I gave it all to him and you would think I'd bought the man a new car. I said "YOU are doing US a favor by taking it!".

Hopefully he will be able to get a job where he doesn't have to lift anything heavy or work with his hands above waist level. That would help emotionally and financially.

 

[perchie.girl]

Could also be a generational "this is how I was brought up" thing. Once upon a time, in a land far away, people didn't think the world owed them a living and if they had the means, they paid. Didn't matter what it was.....helping someone change a tire, giving them a lift somewhere.....they made their own way in life and if that included giving a few token dollars to a kind soul who lent a hand they were happy to do so. It made them feel less like "takers" and more like "partners" on this rocky road called day-to-day life.

You know how, during a crisis in life, people always say, "If there is anything I can do, please just call."? We nod, and then we muddle through. Ma taught us to FIND something - anything - that they can do, even if it's just running to grocery store for a quart of milk. They aren't just mouthing the words, they want to feel that they can make a hard time just a little easier. They want to give of themselves to ease your burden. Most people want to feel needed and appreciated. When they slip you that $5.00 for gas they are saying, "You were there when I needed you, and I appreciate it."

I was at the grocery store behind a gal who was sorting coupons and carefully adding her bill in her head. Wehn she came to the Register she was 20 dollars short.... She started to look through stuff to put back and I just told her not to worry about it and Handed the clerk a twenty... She was dumb founded.... and tried to explain... I just said... Help the next person when you can. It took her a moment for that to sink in then she said Thank you.... and left.

Its not charity its humanity. And people who insist on paying you for stuff just say its not necessary.....just help the next person. Its hard when they flip it around as if "their money isnt acceptible" that is a very passive aggressive stance... I hate it when its turned around on you that you are being the one putting THEM down by helping them. doesnt matter the culture or ethnicity....

I buy food for the homless or bums that live in the river bed.... A hamburger and french fries.... I have given money to men with the shakes... Yep I know they are going to buy alcahol with it. Its not my judgement... but when they are in that way there is no relief... Just a little beer will make their day a bit better. For What its Worth when an alcaholic gets to that point cold turkey can kill. Alcahol is the only drug that can do that.

deb

 

[Tomtommom]

I love you folks.

 

[LindaB220]

Bruce, this guy has a serious issue with self worth. He NEEDS to be on the giving end to compensate for some feeling of insecurity or an inferiority complex. My guess is that he needs a lot of validation. Perhaps if you give him a lot of verbal validation, you can help him get past this issue to a point of more trust for good reciprocation in relationships. Or, you could just realize that that's the way he is, and accept his need to be the giver in all situations. There are worse types of neighbors to have!!!!

My Mom was like that. Couldn't stand to be beholden to anyone. Even me. She's been gone for 3 years now and I miss her. Hard to get along with but oh, so giving.

 

[lazy gardener]

Blooie, I like your Mom's response to the "Just let me know if there's anything I can do to help you." line. Being from New England, where we have that independent, I'll stand on my own 2 feet nature, I have a hard time with that line. It's just where my head is at, but unless I know the person very very well, I take it as an empty platitude. I've been on the needing end of things, and found the "if you need anything... line to be less than genuine. So, when I see someone who is being beaten down by life, I offer a simple assist. "I'm making a pot of chili tomorrow, can I bring you some? Or, "Can I pick up some groceries on my way by the store?" Or, can I take your boys to the game, or pick them up from practice? If I can't do that, tell me what I can do for you." Often, just offering something concrete in the way of help opens the door so they can share a need which will bring them some relief.

 

[perchie.girl]

Blooie, I like your Mom's response to the "Just let me know if there's anything I can do to help you." line. Being from New England, where we have that independent, I'll stand on my own 2 feet nature, I have a hard time with that line. It's just where my head is at, but unless I know the person very very well, I take it as an empty platitude. I've been on the needing end of things, and found the "if you need anything... line to be less than genuine. So, when I see someone who is being beaten down by life, I offer a simple assist. "I'm making a pot of chili tomorrow, can I bring you some? Or, "Can I pick up some groceries on my way by the store?" Or, can I take your boys to the game, or pick them up from practice? If I can't do that, tell me what I can do for you." Often, just offering something concrete in the way of help opens the door so they can share a need which will bring them some relief.

Oooh good point.... relegating it back to .... "Lets do lunch" Believe it or not I used to figure that was a true invite I thought Woo Hoo I have a friend..... boy was that wrong....

So now when someone says "lets do lunch" I say ooo goody.... When. so far after the deer in the headlights look I have had only one friend follow through.....

deb

 

[LindaB220]

Oooh good point.... relegating it back to .... "Lets do lunch" Believe it or not I used to figure that was a true invite I thought Woo Hoo I have a friend..... boy was that wrong....

So now when someone says "lets do lunch" I say ooo goody.... When. so far after the deer in the headlights look I have had only one friend follow through.....

deb

This happened to my DD. She actually thought that she had made a good friend. But then came the excuses and dodges. Enough said.

 

[lazy gardener]

It's so very sad when people put on those masks. And it makes steam roll out my ears when it's done to my children!!!