Dear Avian Advice Columnist,
There's this one male bird in my territory that I'm sure all the hens pay more attention to than me, and it's killing me! I've tried beating him up, but he's too tough for me; I just end up getting hurt. How can I get rid of him?
Desperately yours,
Can't Compete
Dear Can't Compete,
I realize that it is late in the season, and you are probably growing very frustrated about the young females who don't seem to pay you any attention. However, I'm fairly certain you are going about this all the wrong way. Have you considered that, rather than spend all your energy fighting the other males in your territory, you might try showing that special lady a little attention? Bring her flowers and dryer lint to beautify her nest. Invite that special girl out to a meal of bugs and seeds. Croon love poetry while hanging upside down from a telephone wire.
Whatever you do, please, please let it be more effective than attempting to kill the male bird who haunts you in every shiny object, MOST ESPECIALLY MY BEDROOM WINDOW AT SEVEN AM. You are literally beating your head against a wall. Like many young men in your position, I believe you are unwittingly destroying your chances for romance by paying too much attention to your own reflection and not enough to your potential mates.
This is not an effective way to get chicks.
Sincerely yours,
Not An Avian Advice Columnist
PS: Thank you for not flying into the open half of my window and making me late for work while I tried to keep you from braining yourself on my mirror. I see the thought did cross your mind, and I'm glad you thought better of it.
There's this one male bird in my territory that I'm sure all the hens pay more attention to than me, and it's killing me! I've tried beating him up, but he's too tough for me; I just end up getting hurt. How can I get rid of him?
Desperately yours,
Can't Compete
Dear Can't Compete,
I realize that it is late in the season, and you are probably growing very frustrated about the young females who don't seem to pay you any attention. However, I'm fairly certain you are going about this all the wrong way. Have you considered that, rather than spend all your energy fighting the other males in your territory, you might try showing that special lady a little attention? Bring her flowers and dryer lint to beautify her nest. Invite that special girl out to a meal of bugs and seeds. Croon love poetry while hanging upside down from a telephone wire.
Whatever you do, please, please let it be more effective than attempting to kill the male bird who haunts you in every shiny object, MOST ESPECIALLY MY BEDROOM WINDOW AT SEVEN AM. You are literally beating your head against a wall. Like many young men in your position, I believe you are unwittingly destroying your chances for romance by paying too much attention to your own reflection and not enough to your potential mates.
This is not an effective way to get chicks.
Sincerely yours,
Not An Avian Advice Columnist
PS: Thank you for not flying into the open half of my window and making me late for work while I tried to keep you from braining yourself on my mirror. I see the thought did cross your mind, and I'm glad you thought better of it.
